Been feeling really depressed lately.
I feel so overwhelmed by everything. I feel freaked out all the time. Normal things seem spooky. Normal sounds seem too loud and like they are coming from everywhere at once. I feel too cold and too hot at the same time.
And I am so damned tense. Like an over-wound spring, ready to snap. I feel like at any second, I could freak out and start screaming.
As a result, I have been having a heck of a hard time getting out of bed. I want to just stay in bed and sleep just to avoid having to deal with reality at all.
Like I always say, sleep is death without the commitment. Being asleep is the closest thing to being dead you can experience without actually being dead.
Either way, you don’t have to deal with the world. One just lasts longer.
As usual, as far as I know there is no particular reason for me to be extra depressed right now. I haven’t had any new stressors or traumae. I haven’t had sad news, a financial setback, or any horrifying revelations.
In fact, if anything, I am doing a little better than usual. Yay GST cheques.
The only contributing factor I can name is that it’s a very windy day and hence a rather loud one. The wind battering our apartment building makes a lot of noise, and the building sways slightly at the peak of the gust.
Which is, admittedly, kind of disturbing. But that which bends does not break.
On the bright side, this intensification of depression may well represent growth. I have been pushing against the limits of my life pretty hard lately and doing my best to outgrow them, and there are bound to be some growing pains as previous structures that are now too small for me constrict me before breaking.
Well that’s not going to stop me. Bring it. I will gladly endure the pain of my restraints biting into my flesh as I grow if it means they soon will shatter.
There are worse things in life than anxiety. I will let anxiety ride me to the point of requiring restraint or even catatonia if that is what it takes for me to break my inner bonds and be able to live strong and free at last.
Actually, a catatonic trance sounds kind of nice right now. Restful. Like a little vacation from having to deal with anything at all.
Probably emerge from it feeling really refreshed.
I picture myself waking up in a hospital bed, stretching my slightly atrophied muscles, then looking around at all the worried faces staring at me and saying “What?”.
Or maybe “I suppose you’re wondering why I gathered you all here…. ”
I suppose that’s not the sort of thing one can do voluntarily, though.
I mean, I suppose you could fake it, but that’s way too much of a commitment for me.
More after the break.
Feeling somewhat better now. Still feeling anxious and irritable and strange but it is down to a more manageable level.
Looks like social hanging out isn’t going to happen tonight. Joe being sick has really added a lot of turbulence to my life.
See, Felicity’s parents are both recovering from operations, and so they need her around, and Felicity sure as shit doesn’t want to bring back any bug Joe and Julian and I might be carrying to her parents, so we can’t hang out for now.
Which means I am not getting my usual chances to buy my supplies. Which means once more, I am about to run out.
Which suuuuucks big time.
Next time I get a chance, I should buy like there’s the storm of the century coming. Just stock up big time so I can survive this period of chaos.
As is, I am going to have to make the trek to 7-11 soonishly. A whole two blocks, and back again, oh my!
But it’s not the distance, it’s the leaving. Leaving the comfort of my little nest and going out into the cold cruel overstimulating world all alone.
The 7-11 could be next door and it would still be roughly the same amount of challenge to my social anxiety.
Not exactly the same, because the effort and the length of exposure do count. But the biggest cost is incurred when I leave my apartment building.
That costs me a lot of spoons.
Still,I have been realizing how dependent on others I have been, specifically relying on them to supply the energy for things instead of generating it myself, and so I will try hardest to coax myself out to 7-11 some time soon.
Not tonight. I need more time to work up the energy. Plus, it’s dark and cold out there right now. Fuck that noise.
But tomorrow, probably tomorrow around lunch time, so I can pick up a Jamaican Patty or a sandwich or something as a treat.
Still pissed our local one stopped doing samosas. Those were good.
I realize that nobody can build a better life for myself but me. And to be honest, part of me feels utter despair at that thought because I have no faith in my ability to do it myself and therefore that means I am fucked.
But it’s not true. I can do this. I can build a better life for myself. I can take my fate into my own hands and do for myself what I deserved to have done for me as a child, but never got because nobody thought about me at all.
So they got away with it. That doesn’t mean I have to compound their crime by continuing their pattern of neglect and abuse.
I can break the cycle.
I can walk in freedom.
I can be a man at last.
All I have to do is put in the effort.
Oh right…. effort.
I’m working on it.
Crap, I totally forgot that I wasn’t done writing this entry yet!
Oh, the shame of it all, missing deadline for non-convention or hospitalization reasons for the first time in eight years!
Truly, I am a wretched fool cast upon the shores of my own folly!
Now I must atone by beating myself with reeds of birch and…. meh.
I’m already over it. Whatever.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.