The words, they do not come easily right now.
In fact, I kind of feel like each word is being pulled out of me painfully, like a bad tooth.
But that’s only because I have a headache.
Mental note : next time I am grocery shopping online, get one of those enormous bottles of Advil so I can medicate my headaches when needed.
That would go a long way towards reducing my burdens.
Speaking of online grocery shopping, the good news is that I have done my usual Sav-On Foods at Ironwood shopping online now.
The bad news : it won’t arrived till tomorrow between 3 pm and 5 pm.
Disappointing but not surprising. I was hoping that if I ordered early this morning, I might get it by this evening, but no.
I will have to make do till then. Which means I will probably spend the money I would have spent on Denny’s and spend it on ordering in yet again tonight.
That will make it the third night in a row that I have ordered in, which feels very decadent. I have to keep reminding myself that I am not spending any more than usual, I am just spending it a different way.
Well, there’s the $8 I am spending on grocery delivery. That’s not usual. But other than that, I am spending the money I would normally spend going out on ordering in.
I do worry that I am growing too comfortable with this hermit-like existence, though.
Last thing my agoraphobia needs is an extended period in which circumstances force me to indulge it completely.
I haven’t left the house since last Thursday and it’s looking like I won’t be leaving it till Tuesday evening, if then.
I admit, I am beginning to feel a tiny bit stir crazy. Which is fine – it’s when I no longer get the urge to go out at all that worries me.
Reminds me : have to call to cancel my Tuesday appointment at the health clinic tomorrow. That’s when I will ask about Ana’s snap diagnosis.
Maybe she was right to declare my wound healed. But I want a second opinion.
I have to be extra vigilant about not picking at the damned thing. Lately my brain has been extra sneaky about doing it before my sane superego can stop it, even sneaking it in when I am just waking up.
Scabs itch. Peeling them off relieves the itch. But peeling them off make the wound heal slower and can even make it get worse.
Bodies are dumb. They make you do things which are not in their own self-interest.
I am getting sick and tired of feeling so disrupted lately. Ordering my groceries online was a good step towards learning to create my own stability instead of leaning on others so heavily.
I am my own person.
But I feel so goddamned weak all the time. Like my mind is a hydraulic system with a leak in the line, so that instead of building the pressure up till it creates action, it just pours right out instead.
Anyone got any metaphorical duct tape?
More after the break.
Yay, I AM leaving the house tonight. Gonna go out for a meal with Felicity.
My long hermitage is over! (Well, it seemed long to ME….)
I am pushing for Wendy’s because I want chili. 🙂 But really, anything is good as long as I get some social time outside the apartment.
Sadly, there will not be time for a trip to 7-11 so I can get some stuff to tide me over till tomorrow’s grocery delivery, so I will just get dropped off at the one near here.
Get my stuff then walk the TWO WHOLE BLOCKS home ALL BY MYSELF.
Sadly, that is my #adulting. Baby steps.
It’s weird how differential development works. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, with all these creative gifts as well, and yet, in many ways I am still a child.
Hence my image of myself as a giant brain in a diaper.
It’s a wild exaggeration, but it gets the basic idea across.
It’s satire…. subtlety is optional. It helps, but sometimes the best way to get your point across is to go way, way, way over the top.
Hence “A Modest Proposal”.
Swift knew that it would take something truly shocking to breah through England’s thick, calloused attitudes about the Irish having only themselves to blame for their plight and how they were all drunk wastrels and all that horrifying moral anaesthetic.
So he went for cannibalism. And to me, the beauty of that is not merely its shock value, it’s that there is no logical argument against it.
People had to either straight up admit that they don’t think of the Irish as human beings (as clearly indicated in their actions, attitudes, and policies) and pretend not to be horrified by Swift’s words, or admit that the Irish were human and therefore their own policies were barbaric and inhumane to the extreme.
I did something similar once, but my concern was Africa and my solution was far more distasteful than cannibalism :
It was child pornography. There’s clearly lots of money to be made in its production and distribution, and can you really say that an African child is better off dead from starvation than being a child porn star?
Or hell, child prostitution. Are you prepared to say into the microphone that it is better than an entire family starve then have one child forced to suck a dick?
All it would take is one starving poor African country to legalize child/adult sex and the production of kiddy porn and their country would become much richer overnight.
And is that really worse than mass starvation and civil war and child soldiers?
Or is the real problem that I am forcing you to think of brown African people as being real human beings just like the Irish?
I would get in so much trouble if that got widely distributed.
And I would love every minute of it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.
Hence “A Modest Proposal”.