Here’s a chilling thought : what if this really is the best that I can do?
This sad little crummy life of mine? What if, despite my vast gifts, I am currently actually doing the best I can and this, for me, is as good as it gets?
Nope. I can’t accept that. Every fiber of my being rejects that idea wholesale. It might be true, for all I know, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept it.
And patient readers know how unusual it is for me to say something like that. For the most part, I am an extremely realistic person. Probably moreso than is healthy.
But this is one idea I will resist with all my strength until they put me in my grave.
Because if I truly thought this was as good as it gets for me, I would kill myself. I need the possibility of improvement in order to function at all. No matter how distant, I need the dream of being a whole and functional adult some day in order to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
It could be argued that if I accepted that I am currently doing the best I can, I would then be able to fully forgive myself for not doing better and that would be an enormous gain in terms of self worth and sanity.
But I can’t do it. The closest I can get to that is to tell myself that this is the best I feel like doing right now.
But of course, that’s not true. I want to do far, far, far better. I want to have a job and a life and money and my own place and a boyfriend and so many other things that healthy people take for granted.
And yet, what do I do in pursuit of those goals? Precious little. Blogging and therapy. That’s about it.
And those help. But they are so very very slow. Drip drip drip, like mineral-bearing water dripping from a cave ceiling to the cave floor below forming a stalagmite over eons.
And I want to live now, god damn it.
I want to throw off this decades long malaise and rise to the heavens and shine like a great big beautiful star for all to see. I want to break these chains and throw off my shackles and unleash my miracles and wonders and fantastic spells so they can amaze, astound, and entertain the masses, and maybe even leave them a little better off in the process.
I want to help, dammit. I want it more than I want anything else in the world. I could contribute so much to the world with my wizardly powers. I see so much that is hidden and obscured to most people and that means I can solve problems that others can’t even begin to comprehend.
There’s so many places I need to be. So many things I need to do,
So this can’t be the best I can do. It just can’t.
Somehow, I will get to a place where I can do better.
I have to. It’s growth, or death. There is no stasis.
More after the break.
Waddy fug, man
Ordering in has become increasingly stressful and unpredictable.
So I tried to order a burger from Boston Pizza through good ol’ Skip the Dishes. Burger, fries, starter salad, $30.
It tells me “Order Rejected”. Rejected! WTF?
So I hit the button to chat with support. Support tells me my order was rejected due to an undelivered cash order.
By which they mean that order I tried to do from Opa! the Greek place last week, I assume. Which never made it to me through no fault of my own.
I waited. The phone never rang. Not my fault. Might have been due to some work on the phone lines in my area. Still not my fault.
Here’s the email I am sending to Support for Skip the Dishes :
Apparently I can’t place cash orders with you any more because of something which was out of my control.
I made an order through your service for food from Opa!.
My phone never rang. I saw the driver on the order tracker but my phone did not ring.
They were working on the phone lines in my area at the time. Perhaps that is why the driver could not get through.
But i was waiting for my food, ready and eager (I hadn’t had Greek in a long time) and…. nothing.
Now I have done hundreds of orders through your fine service, paid cash more times than not, and there have never been a problem before now.
It seems unfair to me that I should now lose my cash order privileges over one incident which was in no way my fault.
I do most of my daily business in cash. So losing cash order privileges with your service would most likely mean I go elsewhere.
I really hope we can clear up this misunderstanding.
Needless to say, I am pretty pissed off with Skip the Dishes right now. Apparently the hundreds of orders that have been completed successfully mean nothing to them.
This is what happens when you have a system that punishes blindly.
Well I ordered pasta directly from Pizza Hut. At least they still trust me.
Got the Family Size Meaty Marina Rotini. Funny how rotini and penne have become the default pastas in restaurants these days.
When I was a kid, all we knew was spaghetti and macaroni. When my mom got rotini one time, I thought it looked like alien intestines.
I love that at Pizza Hut, I can get the Family Size pasta meal and get two identical meals for a lot less than double the price of one.
That’s what family sized used to mean. It meant the same as “economy sized” or “jumbo sized” or “bulk packaged”.
It meant you were saving money by buying in bulk.
Nowadays, the bulk price is often the exact same as the regular price, just bigger.
You know, I think tonight has me feeling rather conservative.
Everything sucks now compared to the way it used to be! Society is going to Helena Handbasket and it’s all because of young people changing things that were perfectly fine the way they were! And they change things for no reason at all!
I mean, what are they even thinking, making things worse for no reason?
Kids these days. I tell ya. What’s this world coming to?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.