Hmmm. I feel like I am forgetting something important.
Oh yeah… I’m dying.
Funny how easy it is to forget that.
Well it’s not like it’s fun to think about. And I have little faith that thinking about it will make the problem go away.
I will do my best to tackle my issues as they come up and that’s about all I can do besides my usual slow grinding journey through my mental health issues.
I kinda hope I become sane enough to take care of myself properly before I die or end up horribly crippled, but there is no guarantee.
All I can do is keep cautiously making my way through the jungle of my madnes and hope to win the race with my mortality.
I want to be taking care of myself right. I especially want to be taking care of my diabetes. But I can’t see a way of getting there with the moves I have available to me.
Hopefully I will eventually get to the point where I am willing to pull the trigger on buying that Ultra OneTouch Libre Variety Pack Mondo Cheeseburger Surprise.
Whatever. The one that does not require lancing my fingertips over and over again. Seems like a worthy investment in my health.
And a cool gizmo to learn and play with, which is always a plus. And one that actually produces actionable data.
How cool is that?
So I will get there soon, I think. It’s just a matter of crossing that unmapped territory between me and action that can’t be explained or justified but neither can it be dismissed or circumvented.
Sometimes, it takes a long time for me to get used to an idea. And only when I have completely adjusted to it can I act.
That is the best description I have for the phenomenon.
A curious fact
So for about a week now I have been slowly making my way through this vid :
And along the way, I noticed a very curious phenomenon.
The songs I remember from being alive at the time start at 1971.
Here’s a link to the point in the vid with very first one.
Small problem : I was born in 1973. I was minus two when that song came out.
And yet, I remember it quite clearly. It’s that stupid and gimmicky a song. It really left an impression on me.
But what are the odds it was still being played when I was old enough to remember anything? Even a bright boy like me couldn’t have been making those sorts of memories until I was at least two years old.
So what are the odds that that dumb song was still playing four years later in 1975?
And not just that one. I remember Rose Garden by Lynn Anderson, also 1971. Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas, 1974. SOS by ABBA, 1975.
So how is it I remember these songs when I wasn’t even around for some of them and way too young for others?
It’s a mystery. It can’t be that I am misremembering when I heard these songs because my memories of hearing them as a child are quite clear.
Other entries from that era I know, but from hearing them much later in life.
Can my musical appreciation TRAVEL BACKWARDS IN TIME!?!??
No. It’s probably some kind of memory thing.
But it sure is interesting to think about!
More after the break.
Whether or not
I can’t decide if I want to talk about indecision.
Eh, maybe I won’t.
Then again, maybe I will.
The aspect of indecision I want to talk about here is why indecision is a problem.
A shallowly logical take on it might say “So you can’t make up your mind right now. So what? Try again later. ”
Well, for one, conveniently ignorant straw man, that won’t make any difference. I will be just as indecisive if I come back later, even if it’s been a million years.
Time would not change anything.
Well there’s two problems with indecision : one practical and one emotional.
The practical one is the obvious one : sometimes, decisions simply must be made and an inability to stop dithering about them has real consequences.
Anyone who has waited till they got to the front of the line to decide what they want at a fast food place knows that.
I swear I never do that any more. And neither should you.
This goes for big life decisions too. Right now, I am planning on going back to school and trying to make a splash in the academic world.
After all, I’m a highly articulate genius. Seems like a good fit.
But which school? There are so many. How would I even choose?
Knowing me, I will probably agonize in indecision until I just can’t take it any more then make a very impulsive choice to take the first plausible thing I think of.
I am really not built for carefully and methodically comparing a wide range of options, all with valid pros and cons.
I make decisions intuitively or not at all, it seems.
Some genius, huh?
That brings us to the emotional part of the problem of indecision : it hurts. When I am dithering over some decision I am in a lot of emotional pain. Even if the stakes are quite low, I can work myself up into being very upset if I don’t watch myself.
No wonder I make impulsive, intuitive decisions in the long run.
I am starting to think I should just start there and save myself a lot of pain.
At least I now have a conscious understanding of the main source of my indecision : trying to solve problems logically which have far, far too many variables and ending up in a sort of “out of memory” loop.
Basically, my brain crashes. Which is quite painful.
And that means I need to make peace with making decisions in a way my legacy logical operating system insist is “stupid” because it is not technically “intelligent” because it is not the result of logic and reason.
How can I know it’s right decision if I can’t verify that logically?
Answer : I can’t. But there are far too many situations in life where I will not be able to make a logical decision and that means limiting myself to the situations where I can is far, far, far too restrictive.
Nobody can live like that, no matter how smart they are.
So I will learn to make “stupid” decisions. I will “go with my gut”. I will make impulsive, intuitive decisions and live with the consequences.
Damn the torpedoes, and so on.
There are far worse things in life than wrong choices.
For example, you can be so afraid of choosing the wrong thing you do nothing.
Well right or wrong, that shit is gonna stop.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.