Because I have no idea what to write about right now.
My usually fertile imagination seems to be at a low point and I feel pleasantly empty headed and cheery.
Clearly, my brain has switched into Summer Mode. Happens every year when it gets sunny enough. All the higher functions go on vacation and I become lazier and more self-indulgent than usual.
Yes, that’s possible. Shut up.
On the bright side, this generally improve my mood a fair bit. Summer Fru has a higher baseline of happiness than Winter Fru. I start actively looking for ways to have fun and start to get the urge to leave the apartment.
Maybe this is the year I will actually do it. No promises, though.
But Summer Fru doesn’t want to think real hard, or really do anything that isn’t totally fun. So getting myself to do unfun things becomes harder than ever.
Yes, that too is possible. Now hush. We’ve been through this.
Oh hey, I just thought of something to write about!
You lucky, lucky people.
I got ambition
I realized recently that, far from the ambitionless fool I have always considered myself to be – quite happily, I might add – I am actually incredibly ambitious.
Specifically, if I want to do something, I want to do it in a way that is both original and superior to the way everyone else does it.
If the most that I can hope for is to do it as well as everyone else, I lose interest. I will still do it, of course, if it needs doing, but the passion is gone.
In other words, I am a showoff at a very deep level. This is not exactly a surprise to me.
I think this comes in part from the fact that I have so much natural ability that I have been able to be very impressive in my particular slice of society with very little effort.
I could absolutely crush a test without even studying. I always knew the answer to the teacher’s question. Everyone who met me knew how goddamned bright I was without my even having to do anything.
And I can see now that I took (and take) a lot of pride in that, despite also totally taking it for granted. Pretending to be mediocre was never in the cards for me.
I have to shine, shine, shine baby, and if that hurts your eyes, get some shades.
Clearly, there is a side of me that has no self esteem issues at all. Lately I have been thinking of it as my “Baby. I’m awesome” side. A side of me that is cocky and arrogant and entirely sure of his awe inspiring powers.
I have always suppressed this side of me because he’s a total dick. A lovable one, perhaps, but still pretty obnoxious.
And I am not about to let that side of me have full rein in my life. But that doesn’t mean I can’t integrate some of its better attributes into my personality.
And that’s exactly the kind of thing I can do better in Summer Mode.
See how I brought it all together at the end?
Told ya I was awesome.
More after the break.
Oh crap, now what?
Oh right. I have to think of something to write about again.
Um, um…. crap. This is hard!
I know, let’s continue with exploring my “dark side” : the arrogant, smug, sarcastic, dismissive, irresponsible, entirely devoted to his own amusement version of me.
I could probably learn a thing or two from that asshole.
Not to the point of becoming him, obviously. But he is very much an expression of my sorely neglected id, and I desperately need ways to reclaim my id so I can use it to both motivate me and thaw myself out, and so it is worth giving him a look.
First off, let’s set this “dark side” business aside and refer to him instead as a “less favoured version of me”.
In some ways, people would like him a lot less. After all, he would be a way less nice and sweet version of me, with way more of a chip on his shoulder and a way quicker temper to go with it.
Think a more sarcastic Sinatra.
On the other hand, they might also like him more because he wouldn’t have my dreary drippy wimpiness to contend with. He would be a lot harder to like but a lot easier to respect. He wouldn’t lean on others so hard, and would drain people a lot less.
I could certainly learn a thing or two about confidence from him. Basically, he could teach me that it’s perfectly okay to go on an ego trip.
I have had the thought, “you should have as much self-confidence as you think you can get away with” recently, and this fits that perfectly.
Certainly my current low-commitment enigmatic half-fake humility approach is not working. I mean, yeah, in its own way it minimizes risk to my itty bitty ego, but it does so by making me, at best, barely tolerate myself, and that’s not going to cut it.
I can’t keep ducking down for fear of the world. I have to stand tall and face the flames, and if I get burned, I get burned.
There are much worse things that can happen. And next time, I will know enough to avoid the fireball.
The important thing is to stop being too afraid of becoming a raving egomaniac to pump myself up at all. There has to be a happy medium in there somewhere.
Self-confident, but stable. And not too much of a dick about it.
I think I can count on myself not to be mean. Even at my most arrogant, I would never allow myself to be the sort of person who hurts others for fun.
I’d rather die.
But I might be less careful how I wield my rapier wit, and that could definitely make me the asshole in some situations.
Really, it boils down to deciding if I would rather be a wimpy nice guy or a strong guy who can be kind of a dick.
The real answer may surprise you.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.