I ended up having to cancel my cystoscopy today.
Why? Because I got really sick.
It was my fault. I kicked it off by skipping a meal. When I went out to have my snack at midnight and watch Daily Show and Colbert with the roomies, they suggested that we skip it this time because I had an appointment at 8:30 am.
Math doesn’t really work out there. I could have gone to bed at 2 like usual and gotten approximately six hours of sleep, which is plenty for me.
But whatever. I didn’t feel like fighting over it. So I just went back to my room.
People are always looking for excuses to get rid of me, anyhow. I can be kind of intense to be around.
Anyhow, the important thing is that I completely forgot that I still needed to eat. I can’t afford to skip meals, like, ever. My blood sugar will crash and I will end up in a very unpleasant and dangerous state.
What’s even worse than being that way? Waking up that way.
That’s what happened at around 5 am. I woke up feeling absolutely horrible and instantly knew just how badly I had fucked up.
Clearly I needed to eat something with nutritionally available sugars pronto. But that’s easier said than done when you are dying. I was filled with the terrible feeling of death that hypoglycemia produces. It’s like this intense cold tingling through every cell of my body, and even in that fucked up state, I knew that was Bad and I needed to Do Something About It.
After what seemed like hours of sitting on the edge of the bed, unable to make myself get up and save myself, I got up and saved myself. Specifically, I went to the kitchen and got myself an apple and two Mandarin oranges.
Staggered back to the computer and ate my fruit. I chose fruit because of fructose, but also because, as I have said many times before; low blood sugar very stupidly wrecks my appetite. Thus, it keeps me from doing the one thing I need to do, namely eat.
But I have a hack. Apples. Apples always look good and fresh and tasty to me. Fruit in general has a great deal of “food appeal” to me, enough to overcome a stomach full of ick if need be.
So I ate the apple and then the oranges and pulled myself back from the brink.
Then I went back to sleep, and woke up at around 7:20 am,
And I felt horrible.
Like, truly wretched. Not only was my blood sugar low-ish again but it now felt like I had a scared animal in my stomach trying to claw its way out. My head throbbed with pain and I was trembling and quite dizzy.
Well that sucked.
I sat on the edge of my bed again (funny how I always end up there in times of crisis) and tried to force my brain to decide whether to cancel the procedure.
Around 7:50 am, I moved into my computer chair, and that tiny motion made me feel like I was going to throw up, so that decided it, more or less.
So I called the hospital, and the voice-mail message said not to come into the hospital if you are feeling sick, and that sealed the deal.
We will hand-wave the obvious logical issues with a hospital turning away sick people for the time being.
So I canceled. Hated to do it. I was looking forward to having this thing fucking done. But I was in a very bad state.
Like… Mississippi. Or non-Austin Texas.
Since then, I have eaten more fruit and gotten more rest and managed to stick-handle myself back to feeling approximately human.
I am going to try for a large-ish meal in order to replace the midnight snack I missed. But I know I will have to be super careful because going too far too fast could end up making me sick all over again,
Wish me luck.
More after the break.
So damned tired
No doubt about it, I got some kind of infection. I know this because I have been incredibly tired and dragged out today,
Presumably my immune system is at war with the infection and using all my energy in the process. And I approve, despite how much being this tired suuuuucks.
As in, I have slept more hours than I have been awake today. And as usual, it’s not too bad when it’s nice soft sleepiness that just makes me feel relaxed and groovy.
But that never lasts. I end up in the brutal sleep mode sooner or later. The tormented sleep that drains me and makes feel dizzy and disoriented and dehydrated.
Oh great. My wrists are swollen and it is making typing really hurt. Lovely.
I am gonna stop for now.
At least being this sick has banished any lingering doubts I had about whether I was legit sick or my anxiety had pulled some psychosomatic bullshit.
My subconscious mind is perfectly capable of convincing me that I am sick but the illness mysteriously vanishes the minute get out of whatever was making me anxious.
How very humiliating.
Well not this time. I am definitely sicker than a fairly sick dog. I just got up to get my Pizza Hut order and it was a freaking nightmare.
I was so sick and weak and dizzy. I could barely walk in a straight line. I obviously got up way too fast, which is something I do way too ofteb,
Usually doesn’t hurt THAT much though.
I am officially kind of worried. This seems like more than just the flu. I am thinking that if I am not better by tomorrow afternoon, it’s off to the ER for me yet again.
No way I can eat right now. Too sick. My pasta will have to wait until my system cools off and I get my appetite back.
But I’ve go to eat it. Or at least, eat something. I can’t skip a meal.
That’s how this whole thing started.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.