In a few minor ways.

First, therapy got truncated by the powers of fuckery.

There I was, waiting for the call from Doctor Costin. Therapy is usually between 1 pm and 2 pm on Thursdays.

So 1 pm came around, and I waited. And waited. I wasn’t worried at first because he is often 5 to10 minutes late,

Plus, though it shames me to admit it, by the time the appointment rolls around the sick part of me is actually dreading it.

Not for any rational reason, of course. It’s just that dumb ol’ Trog cowering in fear at the thought of being pulled from the “safety” of his deep dark grotto and forced to pull himself together and focus on the here and now.

So at first that part of me was like, yay, the later he is, the less therapy I “have:” to do!

Yeesh. I really need to shuck that unworthy bullshit. I am way better than that.

Anyhow, he did not end up calling until 1:30 pm, whereupon he informed me that he had left me a message on my answering machine^[1] saying he wanted to start early.

And suddenly, my mind flashed back to when I had been getting a drink from the kitchen shortly before 1 pm and I had seen that there was a message waiting for me on the machine but thought, “Nah, I don’t have time to listen to that, Doctor Costin will be calling me soon!”. D’oh!

Now before you ask, I don’t know what the connection between him wanting to start early and him being half an hour late is.

I didn’t think to ask.

We talked about the reasons I have had such trouble getting anywhere in life. I told him about my realizing that pride is the opposite of shame and that’s why I have to let my ego soar if I am to dig myself out of this hoary old hole of mine.

It’s not enough just to be “neutral” or “realistic” or whatever. That might stop things from getting worse (yeah right) but it won’t solve the problem.

I need to develop a truly massive ego to overcome my truly massive shame,

And having a huge ego has always been a possibility for me. I mean, I was a straight A student without study. I turned in first drafts and got top marks. I wrote a play in 24 hours and everyone loved it. Everyone at VFS said my writing was hilarious.

I’ve conquered without effort my entire life. That’s pretty fucking amazing. I’m pretty fucking amazing, I have every right to a huge fucking ego.

So I hereby claim mine.

I’m fucking awesome and I deserve massive success and fat stacks of cash.

Amen and pass the Cristal.

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Oh right, the other odd thing.

The other odd thing was that we had a power outage.

Brief, but memorable.

Mostly because the first thing I thought of when the power went out was that my computer had just died.

So when Joe knocked on the door and said there was an outage, it was actually a huge relief. Oh thank god.

Amazing how rapidly my mind leaps to negative conclusions, isn’t it?

More after the break,

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Tower of Power

So yup. Gonna take the restraining bolt off my ego and let it roam free. What the hell. Pull out all the stops. The sky’s the limit. Bring on the delusions of grandeur.

I’m the smartest man….IN THE WORLD! The smartest person who has EVER LIVED! My mind is powerful enough to crack walnuts with the slightest thought! I have keener insights into humanity than Superman at a nude beach! I’m funnier than a drunk monkey with a boner! People should weep with joy just knowing I’m around! They should pay big money just to bask in the golden aura of my brilliance! They should have me on every talk show in the world just to hear what I have to say! My birthday should be a global holiday! My birthplace should be a shrine! PEOPLE SHOULD WORSHIP MY TOE SWEAT!

And so forth and so on. That got old fast.

Makes me realize the main thing limiting my ego besides depression is my overdeveloped sense of irony. Any time I imagine myself with a truly epic ego, a part of me rolls its eyes and says “Yeah, right. “

How GenX of me.

The truth is that really overinflated egos disgust me. Trust me, you ain’t that hot. And you will be far better off in the long run if you stay down here with us mortals who will remind you that you are merely human after all.

Which is another limiting factor to my ego. In fact, it might be the strongest one. It’s that I don’t want to lose the tiny bit of connection to humanity I have left by letting an inflated head carry me off into the stratosphere.

I’ve talked before about my nightmare about floating up and off like that. What it’s really about is not just elitism (ick) but insanity.

I feel like if I went that route and lost my humanity, I would wander off into the depths of my own mind and go completely insane.

Might never come out of my internal labyrinth again.

And I know it would not be an endless stroll through Elysian fields. No technicolor dreamscapes for me.

It would be more like being cornered by your worst enemies in a dark alley. There would be no escaping my inner demons any more.

I’ve been tempted, though. The idea of giving up on reality entirely and finally completing the process of withdrawing into my mind that began when I was raped has seemed very appealing to me at times.

But I can’t go now. The planet needs me!

See? Ego. Solves a LOT of problems.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.