Well, the (probably) good news is that I haven’t gone to the ER.
My symptoms have improved enough that I no longer feel the trip is justified. I am going to continue watching the situation like the proverbial hawk because I still have that heavy scratchy feeling in my chest and my breathing is still a little impaired, but the deep malaise has lifted and I don’t feel like room temperature death any more.
As before, if things get worse, I am going to head for the ER pronto.
But for now, I will just wait and see and get plenty of Vitamin C.
I wish I could know my blood oxygen saturation percentage right now, though. That would be a clear indicator of whether my pulmonary systems are working or not.
Unfortunately, the blood ox monitor (the kind that goes on your finger) that I bought off eBay turned out to have nothing on the inside. No electronics, just the case.
And after I paid almost five dollars for it!
Oh well. I guess I will just keep watching myself for signs of wheezing.
I don’t remember what exactly convinced me to go to the ER that one time that it really WAS pneumonia. All I remember was that it was around time to start getting ready for dinner on a Friday night and I had a sudden moment of razor’s edge clarity where I went over all my symptom in my mind and came to the conclusion that this was NOT normal and it was time to go to the ER.
So I guess I should be on the lookout for sudden moments of illumination too.
The (definitely) bad news is that I have been feeling pretty depressed today.
Nothing major or new, just the usual blahs at a higher level than usual. Feelings of despair and isolation. Conscious thoughts of hopelessness, asking myself why I do anything, accompanied by a strong urge to stay in bed.
No suicidal anything, though. I know this shit will pass. It’s just the usual neurochemical bullshit. Idiot fluctuations in my brain, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
I will pretty much just ignore it till it goes away. Maybe use it as a gateway to my deeper damage and write something therapeutic later on today.
I definitely feel like something is moving and changing inside me. I have had a few extraordinary moments when it really felt like something was waking up with a yawn and a stretch in my mind.
And I even had a period this morning when I felt kinda good. Perky, even. Like life was fun and I couldn’t get enough of it.
If my current case of the blues is the price I pay for that happy time. I am good with that.
I’m quite used to these doldrums. I can wade through their thick and heavy waters all day if I need to. Seems like a small price to pay for being something like happy for a few hours in a day.
Being manic depressive seems a lot better than being just depressive right now.
At least you’re happy some of the time!
More after the break.
Just got back from my mechanic. Went in there for a rim job and figured I might as well get him to look at the car while I’m there.
A quick porn recommendation : Alpha by James Howard.
The awkward interactions as they ease into gay sex are adorable, realistic, and pretty hot. And I am very jealous of our kitty for getting a hunky jock who is not stupid, insensitive, or a raving right winger as a boyfriend.
I want one, dammit!
Logic isn’t everything
Neither is being “right”.
And life is so much more than what makes sense.
And objective reality ain’t what it used to be.
Let’s have another go at escaping the logic trap.
I’ve been wondering what is behind my burning desire for the truth.
I think it’s a matter of mastering my world. If I can figure it out, I can use it, or at least anticipate it, and that makes me feel like I have power and control over my life.
And I have gotten pretty damned good at it. I have focused my megawatt mind into a precision laser that passes through all the bullshit and delusions and intellectual traps to penetrate straight to the heart of things as they really are.
Fat fucking good it’s done me.
Instead of making me some kind of master of the universe. all it’s done is alienate me. Being a visionary is a rough gig. The truth of Plato’s Cave is that when the philosopher comes back into the cave after “seeing things as they really are”, nobody hails them as a great thinker.
They get shunned for saying things that upset people. For being “weird”.
And the thing is, when you are as “bright” as I am, you shine so bright that it is hard to see anything outside your own high-beams.
So you think you know everything.
But all you know is facts.
And facts can only ever represent information and humanity cannot live by information alone. Real knowledge helps one live. It makes it easier to cope with reality. It contains the code required to generate happiness.
And internalizing the rules and restrictions of logical reality smothers that code. A healthy human mind is firmly connected with but not necessarily bound by that oh so important code. That way, it can correct its own imbalances without having to justify it or give it a name or anything.
Skip the goddamned committee and just get it the fuck DONE.
And yet, knowing all this, I still find myself driving in circles on the Logic Highway looking for an off-ramp.
And that’s still wrong. I’m still looking for a logical way out. Something that makes sense, something connected to where I am.
And I’m not going to find it. Logic is the problem, not the solution.
The bitter but liberating truth is that escape will require a leap of faith.
And faith is an alien concept to me. I have no known experience of it.
After all, who needs faith when you have X-ray eyes, right? What others take on faith you actually figure out instead. You pity their feeblemindedness.
Yeah but they’re happy and healthy and you’re fucked in the head.
So who’s the stupid one here?
The problem bites its own tail because to learn faith takes a leap of faith. It takes going beyond the logical and sensible and learning to cope with reality in a broader, richer, and above all more human way than mere logic will allow.
I know what needs to be done. I’ve got to take a flying leap off that high board without even knowing if there’s a pool down below. I have to learn to fly without wings. I have to develop the senses other than that bright bright laser beam of my mind.
The prospect scares the crap out of me.
But it’s the only way out.
So… 1 2 3…LEAP!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.