And another thing about climate change….. nah just kidding.
The naturalness I mentioned in the title is of the much more personal and spiritual kind.
Namely, it’s the naturalness that is the exact opposite of self-consciousness. To feel it is to feel free of the constant monitoring, regulation, and judgment of our social superconscious minds, and it is a mood universally considered very pleasant.
There is a reason why when we feel very aware of our own social shortcomings and awkwardness, we call that feeling “self-consciousness”. We intuitively grasp that if our mind is in this split state where it is scrutinizing itself, things are not going well.
The good times come when we forget ourselves – like when we “lose ourselves” in an experience, or when “time flies” because you’re having fun and thus not monitoring it.
And that is my desired mode of existence. I have been an intensely self-conscious and brutally self-judgmental person for as long as I can remember and it has given me precious little chance to develop any kind of self-worth or even sense of self.
So how does one go about becoming less self-conscious? It’s a question that can get very Zen very fast, because the very act of trying to do it makes you more self-conscious as you try to solve the problem the forebrain way.
Instead, it is a matter of relaxing the mind. That’s why people find drinking helps. The liquor helps the mind lose its self-consciousness and returns us to a more child-like state where the self is whole and we simply are who we are.
What I am saying is liquor makes us stupid enough to be happy again.
Obviously, self-forgiveness helps a lot. So does what I will call “personal fatalism”, where I simply declare that I am whatever I end up being and there is only so much control I have over that and the rest is just, well, me.
That came out way more confusing than I intended.
I am not at my most coherent today. Probably should have chosen an easier subject.
You know what? I’m tapping out.
I was boring myself anyhow.
Mood today is… strange. I have that “haunted” feeling again. Spooky. Like ghosts are in my eavestroughs and the chimney’s full of imps.
The belfry is, as is traditional, full of bats.
I definitely feel like the operation has changed me in a deep and fundamental way. I feel more alive and real and vital than I have in a long time.
But it’s going to take a while for that new vitality to percolate up from the deep layers of my being. Entire new pathways have to be forged by the river’s freshly renewed flow and that takes some time.
I can feel things moving and growing and healing and changing in me. I can tell that certain potentials will continue to accumulate energy until they force me to act.
That won’t been fun. It will presumably express itself as intense frustration first as i grow bored and discontent with the limited options available in my current mode and start looking for the exit.
Even if I have to knock down a wall to make it myself.
More after the break.
He weebles and he wobbles…
…but so far, I have not fallen down.
Feeling fairly dizzy right now. I have checked and I can’t stand or sit without swaying a little bit, like I am being moved by a slight breeze.
I’ve felt odd all day. Hard to describe. Like when I turn or move, I can really feel the air against my skin and get a soft “whoosh” kind of feeling.
That’s in addition to the aforementioned “haunted” feeling. And a general feeling of alienation and otherness and being ever so slightly out of phase.
And I don’t know what to make of it. It could be a sign that something has gone wrong in me of the sort I should bring to the attention to a medical professional.
Or maybe I’m just in a weird mood. And my sinuses are blocked.
I guess all I can do is keep an eye on the situation to see if things take a turn for the alarming. That’s all I seem to do lately.
Even my medical symptoms are shy and hesitant and afraid to commit.
They really didn’t mean to bother you and will just go now.
Energy is not happiness
I def have more vitality and energy now. But of course, that doesn’t translate into bliss.
It just means I have so much more to work with now. A bigger life budget, if you will. And that in and of itself is a pleasure because I have been so cold and numb and dry for so long that feeling anything at all on that deep level, even fear or pain, is a huge relief.
But it comes with its costs, like everything else. My emotions are growing more intense and that can be pretty scary.
Yet I will not falter. I won’t pull back from growth because I am frightened by the loudness of my own natural real feelings.
I will put on some earmuffs and get used to it instead.
I want to be more real, god damn it. And that means being emotionally present instead of being walled off with ice and glass and only seeing the world through the reflection of the mirror above my periscope.
And remember, self, that the discomfort is temporary. Hang in there and you will adjust. Your eyes will get used to the light and everything will be clear again.
And all you have to do is restrain your urge to flee for a little while.
Not forever. Just for the time it takes to get over it. Amazing things happen when you just stick with something.
You might even find out you’re a lot tougher, stronger, and more resilient than you think!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.