This is very embarrassing to admit. I am blushing hard as I type this, I can feel it.
But I completely spaced on the fact that I had Wound Care at 3 pm yesterday.
Forgot it entirely. The last time I recall recalling it was Friday afternoon. So in the 24 hours after that, I managed to completely lose all conscious memory of the very simple fact that I was due for a bandage change et al at 3 pm on the 13th of November, 2021.
I only found out when I got a phone call from one of the nurses at 3:15 pm or so asking if I was showing up. Then it all came slamming back into my mind like a runaway freight train and my shame exploded across my face like a Roman candle.
I felt so dumb! There was nobody home to give me a ride so I said no, I would not be showing up for my appointment.
Probably could have taken a cab but I was too ashamed to think straight.
So yeah. I oopsed. And in such an uncharacteristic manner!
I mean yeah, I am terribly absentminded. Guilty as…um, whatever. But I usually manage to keep my appointments in mind. I dunno what went wrong.
Too preoccupied thinking about my heart procedure, I guess.
Speaking of which….
Aaaah! They’re going to poke wires into my heart! HEEEEELP!!!
Been trying to get all my freaking out about the fact that people will be mucking about in the ARTERIES of my HEART Tuesday morning out of the way in advance.
It does not aid my state of mind that things have not gone as planned at all.
- I was supposed to be sent for a test of some sort before the procedure. I have heard nothing of said test. Technically. it’s not supposed to take place until tomorrow, the day before the procedure, so they still have time to give me a call, but I would have appreciated some goddamned warning,.
- I was supposed to get a detailed information packet with all the specifics about my particular procedure in the mail. I have not.
- I was also supposed to get a second email with additional instructions for me about how to get ready for the big day by now. I have not.
So IDKWTF. I will be beyond pissed off if I end up not being able to get the procedure done because someone failed to do their job and the whole thing ends up being delayed till God knows when in the new year.
THIS JUST IN : Nope, I’m once more the idiot.
Just looked up the original email they sent. Turns out it had attachments. One is a lab req. Another is a prescription for some drug I should be taking.
They appear to assume I can print this shit out and take it to the lab and my pharmacy.
Um, no, I cannot. I assume that’s why something was suppose to come in the mail.
So I feel dumb for missing the attachments (which only appeared in tiny text at the bottom of the email and my eyes are fucked) but it would not have made a difference if I had noticed them earlier.
I guess I will have to hope the packet shows up in the mail tomorrow.
If it does, I’m going to be busy.
If not…..I may well be fucked.
More after the break.
I’ll give you a topic. British Columbia is neither British nor Columbian. Discuss.
Let the energy flow
We’re gonna delve deep into the guts of my mind tonight.
Recently, I realized that my motivational logjam is more than it seems.
It’s no quite that I lack the motivation or energy to do thing. Said motive force is present and ready in me,
It’s that an ancient and maladaptive instinct causes me to clamp down hard on it whenever it dares to show its head.
I think it might be a vast overcorrection for anxiety. My mind responds to literally any rise in energy level like it’s the start of an anxiety attack and savagely suppresses it.
Even if it’s just the totally normal and necessary rise involved in moving into action on anything at all.
Not only does this destroy 90 percent of my ability to act in any way outside my normal and very well established comfort zone, but all that rise and clamp down builds up an incredible amount of tension in the system from all that stifled energy.
So my goal now is to learn to just let the energy flow into action. It’s a somewhat Tao lesson because it’s really about letting go of control in order to gain control and somewhat Zen because it’s about getting out of your own way and letting your instincts and your inner soul do all the heavy lifting.
Sort of the same thing, I guess. But from different angles.
Essentially, I want to learn to stop stopping myself. If I have an urge to do something productive, the path of least resistance is to just let myself do it.
Why suppress the energy that is actually moving in the right direction?
Why stop myself from doing the things I actually want to do or to have done?
Why slam on the brakes all the time? No wonder I feel like I am driving with the parking brake on all the time.
Metaphorically speaking, I am.
So it’s a matter of un-suppressing myself. Of letting myself just do stuff because I feel like it without a prejudicial notion of what that is supposed to look like or where it is supposed to lead and without an attempt to exercise an illegitimate kind of control over my life by stifling every urge just to make things “predictable”.
Predictable… and dead. Cold. Lifeless. Inert. Moribund. Etc.
I am fine with not actually knowing what I will do next. I am completely cool without knowing how my day will turn out or where I will end up.
The fun is in finding out, right?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.