And boy do I have a lot of blog entries written in LibreOffice to post!
Dunno why it went offline or why it returned, but it’s good to be back.
Did ya miss me?
And now, back to the blog entry already in progress.
And then again, I’m not
Yesterday, I spent some time talking about how timid I have always been.
Today I will, without denying any of what I said yesterday, show the ways I’m not.
For example, despite my social shyness, I am intellectually and verbally fearless. I will say anything to anyone at any time. I don’t lose arguments and I am impossible to browbeats, double talk, intimidate, manipulate, cajole, fast talk, or outlast.
It’s funny to imagine my fighting like a lion in some public debate then being terrified into hiding in a corner then sneaking out by the reception afterwards.
I wonder if there have been other famous disputants like that?
And I am utterly ferocious in defense of others. Threaten someone I care about and all traces of shyness and timidity vanish and I will fight like the enraged mama bear I sort of am, if one isn’t too hung up on genitals.
I’m kind of between genders.
And I can be pretty fierce in self defense as well, if a clear threat emerges. It’s in the murky world of social interaction that I am timid.
Give me an obvious oppositional scenario and I become a heavyweight prizefighter.
One with a lot of issues to work out.
More after the break.
What am I so afraid of?
Old tapes, basically.
That’s the question I always end up circling back to when this subject comes up : what is my social anxiety so afraid of? What calamity does it think it’s preventing?
Embarrassment? Awkwardness? There are far worse things.
Bullying? That hasn’t happened to me since high school. Adult life generally doesn’t have it and when it does it is generally verbal.
And trust me, verbal or physical, I can handle it.
Angry bear with issues in a clear oppositional scenario? Check.
So what’s the big deal?
I’m smart, well spoken, witty, charismatic, and lovable. And I know from experience that if I can just manage to relax and get over myself, I can be incredibly magnetic.
Sure, when people first meet me, things can get a little awkward as I am quite unique and people have never met someone like me before.
So there can be those “failure to connect” moments where I can feel the gap between me and others very keenly.
But it’s only the phobia that turns that into a traumatic experience. If I just blithely ignored it and carried on, the person and I would dial one another in and sorta meet in the middle and everything would be fine.
So really, it’s only memories of my traumatic elementary school days that make me afraid in social situations.
And while those emotions are valid, they no longer apply to my life.
Stand down, faithful guardian. The crisis has passed and the war ended a long time ago. You can come in from the cold now.
And we might even manage to have a good time.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.