I am feeling pretty healthy today.
The energy drain feeling has dropped in intensity to the point where it is easy to ignore given my natural wellspring of enthusiasm.
My muscles are still pretty weak. That’s not gonna change, I fear. I have that appointment with the neurologist in ten days. Hopefully they will have some kind of insight into my condition.
Maybe they will even be able to help reverse it.
Probably not, but one can hope.
At the very least I need somebody to stop it. Like I have said, it has spread to my arms and that is freaking me the fuck out.
Because I use my arms all the time, man. In fact, I’m using them right now! Whoa.
And my arms feel pretty heavy these days. Even holding up my tablet tires them out alarmingly fast. Thank God that typing these words is still more or less the same, though I can feel the extra strain in my forearms even doing that.
Please, God, do not take my arms.
I need them to masturbate!
I have some antibiotics to help kick whatever is going on in my lungs as well as my leg. Good old Cephalexin. We meet again, my old friend.
It’s been a while. Perhaps too long. Perhaps not nearly long enough.
I will, of course, take every damn pill, with meals, as instructed. Blah blah, my usual anecdote about how back in my UPEI days, I stopped taking the antibiotics when I felt better and got so sick that I don’t even remember my hospital stay.
Thank God I had my bother and my gang of friends to get me there. I was completely out of my mind by that point. I must have had a really high fever.
Also thank God that we survive the dumb shit we do as young people.
After all, we have to live long enough to learn not to do it!
I will, ergo, never EVER stop taking my antibiotics early again unless I am experiencing life threatening side effects. I know damned well I dodged a bullet Matrix-style back then and I am prudent enough to know you don’t count on that happening again.
It’s a nice sunny day out, something I appreciate all the more after four or five days of actual fall weather with the grey skies and the rain and the reminder that there is going to be six months of that shit coming soon so we better enjoy Indian summer while we can before the weather turns…. Vancouver-y.
As always, I wish I could get out there and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine in person. And I feel a real sense of loss knowing that it will all go away soon and I never got to have any outdoor fun in it at all.
And I know that’s not a helpful way to see things. But it’s how I really feel, and lately I have been heavily prioritizing feeling things over trying to control and suppress them.
Feel first. Then figure out what to do about it.
More after the break.
A small indulgence
Ordered me some McD’s tonight, even though it’s a Monday and hence not one of the three nights a week where I order in.
What the hell. I can afford it and after four long days of illness and hospitals and worry and boredom and stress, I really need a treat to balance the reward system in my brain and get me back on an even keel.
Well, as even as my keel ever is, anyhow. To be honest, I’ve been listing to the port for so long the cook’s gone walleyed.
Not sure if that makes sense, but it sounds right.
That suicide video
I’m too lazy to dig it out and link it here again, but when I posted it last week, I threadjacked myself and completely forgot why I posted it in the first place.
It was for the part where, on the subject of passive suicidal ideation, he talked about not caring what happens to you.
And as patient readers know, that was me for a long time. A lot of the other tropes of PSI were there in my head too, like wanting to get hit by a car or have some other disaster take me out of the picture, but those were brief flashes that my ever ready internal censor quickly and brutally suppressed.
It’s occurred to me that the same system in my head that has been keeping me down has also been keeping me alive.
I really do have to get deeper into the darkness in order to find my way to the light. I have to stop playing it safe and risk it all, and live with that risk.
Anyhow, back to suicide.
I was entirely apathetic to my own fate for many years. I was too damned numb and depressed to even give a shit whether I lived or died.
The best I can say is that I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t care if I did.
Which is why the PSI video was so important to me because back then, I was not, technically, suicidal. I had no lasting desire to kill myself, just occasional impulses easily suppressed, and I have never made plans to kill myself.
But I was not a healthy man. And the video gave me a phrase and a context for how I felt back then. And that helps me process that vast segment of my past.
Today, I am better. I don’t want to die. Death scares me. I don’t want to stop existing. I want to stick around and have fun.
There is so much of life I need to see and experience and do. And I am determined to get there no matter how much dead tissue and frozen flesh I have to drill through in order to do it.
I have a very sharp drill, and it is powered by my rage.
Nothing can stop us now.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.