Not feeling too great at the moment.

Just woke up from a long afternoon nap. Bad sleep. Troubled and unsettled and left me feeling like bargain basement crap.

Took me twenty minutes just to get out of bed. Kept drifting in and out of sleep, spending most of the time in that no man’s land somewhere in between.

Call it… Shitty Limbo. A low budget bardo. The Motel 6 of interdimensional flophouses.

And when I did make it out of bed, everything ached. So I had to rest in front of Mister Computer here and try to gather enough wits together to form a bare majority and outvote the body’s motion for us to just go back to bed already.

Fuck that. Gotta blog. Gotta eat. Gotta masturbate. Probably. Eventually.

These are the things for which I live.

Had a weird and distressing thing happen last night. I was concluding my business on the toilet when this strange hot feeling flooded my face.

It really felt like my face suddenly filled with hot water. I can only assume that this is what a hot flash feels like.

Only this flash just keeps going. My face has yet to cool back down. It still feels like a rock hot from the sun, right after the sun goes down.

I’ve also had some unfun feelings in my chest. Nothing I would classify as chest pains but a good deal of chest discomfort akin to heartburn.

Which is what it probably is. I don’t think it’s a cardiac issue. For one thing, I just had an EKG last Friday and they didn’t find any problems.

But I have been having trouble catching my breath sometimes lately. And my endurance is very erratic. Sometimes I start panting the moment I stand up. Other times some other mode kicks in, and I can move around like normal.

I better get my buttocks to (sigh) Doctor Chao over this stuff if it persists.. Or maybe just make an appointment with my cardiologist Doctor Ebtia.

Either way, I would have to say that my health has taken a downturn lately.

Things have been unsettled at the nether end of things too. I have pooping a fair bit but none of it solid, I think because my body is used to getting regular doses of the delicious fiber-rich roughage known as “popcorn” and I hadn’t had any lately largely due to my being too ill for midnight snacking.

Well I am back on the snack train now, so hopefully, things will firm up.

Over in my “real world” of video games, I have reached a big bad boss fight in Baldur’s Gate 3. Unfortunately I had to go traipsing through a Mind Flayer base to get there, and if I though the nautilus from the opening of the game was gross, this place, sheesh.

But after way too much trudging over skinless flesh and muscle past various throbbing and pulsating organs and orifices and hearing way too much organic squishing, I got to the final (I hope) fight with the big baddy Ketheric Thorm.

And at first I was intimidated with hw tough the fight was, but then my magnificent mind started taking it apart and analyzing it, and now I know I can take him down.

Almost did it once but then had a bit of an oops with my Ice Storm spell.

Next time, Ketheric! NEXT TIME! *thumps table, scares MadCat*

More after the break.

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Let’s talk about sex, bay BEE!

And here is a link to what I consider “the good stuff”. 

In other words, gay furry porn comics.

I’ve been pondering my vastly underfed and malnourished sexual self lately. It has not had much expression in my life, and hence, not much development either.

Developmentally speaking, I’m a tween at best.

Mostly because of that whole “needing to involve others” part of sexual development. There is only so far I can go with the Internet and my right hand.

And quite frankly, it’s not very far.

Sure, I can get off, at least occasionally. I can have a good time. I can get my favorite form of aerobic exercise.

Hey, anything that gets your heart and breathing rate up for more than five minutes counts as cardio, right?

Try coming up with a FitBit that counts THAT.

“Just a minute, I haven’t gotten all my faps in yet. ”

Obviously the one for women would be called the ClitBit.

Meanwhile, back at the plot…

I think about my vastly underdeveloped sexuality because there has to be consequences to having all that sexual potential dammed up inside me.

Emotions don’t go away when we suppressed or ignore them, after all. They just go underground and fuck things up as they try to get themselves expressed.

And when you are talking about something as powerful as human sexuality, leaving something so primally powerful untapped cannot be good.

Not to mention all the other forms of human growth drives that my depression has kept from being expressed, like ambition, the need for a romantic partner, the desire to build a home and make it my own, the drive to prove myself to the world, and so on.

All of this potential lies within me, ready to blossom and unfold. It’s been buried deep under the permafrost of my depression for a very long time but it’s still there, and every day I make a little more of that frost a lot less perma by melting it away.

Kinda like my own global warming. But in this case it’s welcome, because it’ coming along to end a long and terrible ice age.

And I feel like a sexual awakening in me could go a long way towards thawing me out. But I keep coming up against the “other people problem”, or the OPP.

How can I explore my sexuality when I lead such a cloistered existence? How can I invite other people into my bed when this room is such a pigsty? How can I considered getting naked with a stranger when I have such crippling social anxiety?

I can’t exactly go cruising at the club when I can’t even walk.

Fine. I have barriers. Of that there’s no doubt.

But barriers can be overcome with time. This incredible mind of mine can turn what looks like an insurmountable problem into a nonissue if I can just get out of its way and let it do its work.

I don’t have to be scared of my big bad brain.

I can put it to work on improving my life, and make it a force for good.

It’s only a monster if I make it one.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.