That’s what I’ve got going on right now. A slowly burning fire that puts out far more heat than light and that is burning deep underground, like a coal fire.
That means I am in one of my brooding phases. I get into them when I have some heavy emotional shit to process and that is taking a lot of my mental and spiritual bandwidth so I am, on the conscious level, left with this sullen, brooding feeling.
It’s a fairly stable feeling despite the rumblings down below. It would take a pretty strong push from some external force to cause me to erupt on someone.
Fun fact : there’s been over 400 earthquakes on Mount Saint Helens over the last three months. But I’m sure it’s nothing.
To be honest, I know how she feels.
But as uncomfortable as in can be, I need this fire because I’ve got a lot of bullshit to burn. I have a lot of toxic residue and tarry ash clogging up all my pipes and ventilation shafts and I’ve got to turn up the heat and keep it on to burn that shit out of my system.
Boy, am I all about the fire imagery lately.
And that’s a good thing. Fire means energy. Movement. Inspiration. Purification. Fire destroys the old, dead growth in the forest to make way for new, healthy growth to sprout from its ashes.
And good lord, do I need that. I need it bad.
So spark up a bonfire. We have a lot of fallen leaves to burn.
Today was Therapy Thursday. I totally spaced on it.
Forgot that I had therapy today, or that today was even Thursday. Went to sleep around 11 am, thinking, “Do I need to set an alarm? Nah, I’ve got nothing going on today. “
D’oh. Oh well, no harm done, really, because I was woken up by the phone at one but didn’t stand a chance of making it to it in time, so I managed to get out of bed and sit down at the computer and wake up a bit before Doctor Costin called again at 1:15 pm, and that’s when I learned what time it was.
And I was a wee bit embarrassed. But no biggie, the session just went long to cover for the missing 15 minutes.
Bonus giggle : when the phone woke me up at 1 pm, I remember thinking, “Now who the hell would be calling me at this hour?”.
In my mind, it was still late morning.
It was an OK session, I guess. He was happy to hear of my progress in burying the past, giving myself permission to have a huge ego, and saying to hell with the rules of logic and reality if they get in the way of my happiness.
But our dynamic has definitely shifted ever since he officially gave up on trying to get my to do things after a particularly bitter and forceful denial of it every working by me.
And I feel bad about that now. It felt back for him to tell me he gave up, even though I had just told him how pointless it was.
I think that’s part of what started me on the path to where I am today. It was the shock I needed to get things moving, like an avalanche, to the point where I realized I needed to break from my previous conception of reality entirely.
And that’s what finally broke my fucking shell.
More after the break.
Farewell, Baldur’s Gate 3
Well, I haven’t played BG3 in three days and I don’t really miss it.
Guess I am officially burned out on the game. Fair enough. I played the dang thing for many hours a day for three months and change.
I think I can say I got my $80 worth.
I know that there’s lots of things I haven’t seen yet and things I haven’t done. And I barely even touched the world of mods for it.
But meh. A world of meh. I can’t manage to care any more. Ergo, I am done for now.
I won’t rule out going back and playing more once I have let it lie fallow for a while. It’s still a very good game and I was enjoying my second playthrough before all my messing around with Stable Diffusion took over.
It’s just so much fun to make lewd art! And the clean stuff too, although it brings a different kind of joy.
Mostly the sentimental kind. Awww.
That’s a picture of Fruvous rescuing a little otter girl who had gotten separated from her parents at the spaceport where Fruvous lived. He cuddled her and kept her entertained with his silly antics until her frantic parents arrived.
He was gone before they even saw him.
But I need a video game to play too. Ergo I am currently in that uncomfortable “between games” period where I have to figure out what I want to play next.
I could always replay something from my Steam library. I have hundreds of games there. Surely there is something worth playing that I haven’t played in long enough for it to seem fresh-ish to me now.
Or I could buy something new. I could probably spare $20 for a game. That won’t get me the new hotness, but my machine probably can’t play the new hotness anyway.
My computer could only just barely manage to run Baldur’s Gate 3…. badly. Animation errors and other graphical glitches abounded.
Now I ache to play something that freaking WORKs.
So whether it’s something new or one from the vaults, it’s going to be something old or simple enough to run well on my machine.
And something that is NOT a top-down type isometric RPG. The last two games I played the crap out of have been those, and I am sick of them.
I need three dimensions, god dammit!
I imagine I will do my usual painful dithering over the whole thing before getting frustrated and grabbing the first thing that looks good.
What can I say. I know what I’m like.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.