Well I’m in a very uncomfortable situation.

Last Friday, my pharmacist Simon called me to tell me my next set of a month’s worth of blister packed meds was ready. Keen. Time for us to go visit.

But we forgot. There was a lot going on that day, though ironically not for me.

And worse, we didn’t think of it Saturday either. Pickup would still have been possible because the Medicine Shoppe is open between 10 am and 2 pm on Saturdays.

But nope. No problem, I wouldn’t actually run out until Monday anyhow.

Well today is Monday and it is also the inaugural Truth and Reconciliation Day here in Canada and that’s a stat fucking holiday so, no drugs for me today either.

Wow, it’s a good thing nobody needs their meds to stay alive or anything.

So I am going to go a whole 24 hours completely unmedicated and I am not happy about that. I am doing my best not to freak out about it because obviously that would only make things worse, but I am very very worried nonetheless.

By all sane measurements, this is not good. I am especially worried about missing my blood pressure medications because you’re really, really not supposed to go off those suddenly. Terrible imbalances can occur.

So I am doing my best to stay mellow. I have taken a muscle relaxant (the ominous sounding cyclobenzaprine) and a fast acting anti-anxiety pill (the downright magical sounding alprazolam), which are two “as needed” drugs that I therefore still have in bottles, and hopefully they will keep me on an even keel emotionally.

Or they will wipe me out completely, which would be somewhat humorous. I take the two together and sleep for like a day.

Well at least my meds would be ready when I woke up!

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Whatever happens, happens

Still trying to stop trying to control outcomes and just relax.

I know I need to chill the fuck out. I know I take things too seriously. I know that I am tormented by an excess of nervous energy I can’t seem to discharge.

I know I’d be a lot happier if I could keep myself busy, etc.

I think this is why I keep returning to nihilism : nihilism negates nervousness. Nihilism is like the opposite of taking things too seriously. Nihilism says that you can stop worrying about everything because none of it matters anyway…. so just chill.

I feel like I am all tied up in knots on the inside, and that somewhere in there is a little bow that if I pull it the right way the whole thing will unravel like a cheap sweater and I will collapse like a puppet with its strings cut into a puddle of bliss.

But it’s probably more like one of those tricky knots where you can’t loosen one part without tightening another.

If only I could find within me a source of strength and focus and calm instead of constantly riding the ragged razor’s edge of anxiety feeling like this old plane of mine could shake itself to pieces at any moment.

I feel like there’s this terrible fading away that happens when I try to pull myself together. Like my energies start up then cut out like I have popped a very weak and insufficient fuse and can’t take the power.

Perhaps I am more than even I can handle. But it’s far too late for me to learn to be less than I am. I have grown into this monolithic mental magician through no conscious effort of my own. It’s more like there’s a “get smarter” program running in the background of my mind and I don’t know how to turn it off.

Nor do I want to. Not really.

But what good is all this mental muscle if I don’t have the heart to use it? It’s just all this potential left to rot on the vine because I am too weak and cowardly to use it.

I can only hope that I find my strength one day.

Until then, I rot in the shadows, like always,

More after the break.

In a tizzy over dizzy

I’m all dizzy and hot again.

Woke up from a nap feeling that way and I have been trying to claw my way back to some semblance of equanimity ever since.

Made going to the kitchen to nuke my order from Donair Dude from last Saturday tricky. But sad to say, I suppose I’m getting good at making the trip in various states of debility.

The dizzy/hot thing definitely feels like it could be overheating related, which in turn would suggest it has to do with dehydration.

I will see if hydration helps.

The other possibility is that it’s sinus related. I was sneezing a fair bit earlier. Could be that my sinuses are full and that makes them back up into my ear canals via the eustachian tubes and thence unto my inner ears.

Knowing my luck, it’s both.

Emotionally, I’ve been feeling rough and raw and low-key angry all day. I’m in the mood to glower in darkness thinking brooding, gloomy, vaguely emo thoughts.

But like all things, this too shall pass. I will feel better after some more sleep, I imagine. Or I at least I will feel different.

A change is as good as a rest, after all. Or so they say.

I wish I knew how to make myself feel better. There are potential solutions but none of them are viable because I don’t have the wherewithal to pursue them.

Get more, better sleep. Sure. Move around more. Fantastic, I’ll get right on that. Eat a more balanced diet. What the hell, live a little.

All of these things would no doubt work, and none of them are going to happen any time soon. It’s just not in the cards. The center does not hold.

And I die a little bit all the time, without even noticing.

I guess it’s not important anyway.

I won’t be doing anywhere any time soon.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.