Sadness : I woke up sick today.
And that’s never fun. I knew I was sick before I even opened my eyes. My head hurt, my nose was running, my throat was scratchy and raw, and so were my lungs.
Oh, and my muscles ached.
Of course. That’s what they do.
So no Wound Care or shower for me today, and that always leaves me sad. I didn’t want to stay home. I’ve come to enjoy my busy Fridays, what with Wound Care and showering at Rosewood and ordering my groceries.
Like I always say, I am happiest when I am busy. Which is why I favour video games that can absorb my entire attention.
Like the open world richly detailed RPGs I clearly favour. Ones with lots of quests to do and a deep storyline to become absorbed in.
Imagine what I could accomplish if I could bring that kind of concentration and energy and drive to something that is actually productive.
I need a video game that submits my writing to agencies when I level up. Or something.
Or to somehow convince myself to treat life like a game instead of taking everything so seriously that I am paralyzed by indecision.
Something along those lines, anyhow.
I did get my grocery “shopping” done. That, thank goodness, is something I can still do even when I am sick.
But I hit a frustrating but not entirely unfamiliar roadblock : when I went to pay for my purchases, DoorDash said insufficient funds.
And I was like, bullshit, I have at least 65 bucks on the card and my total is around 62 so I should be in the clear.
But the credit card companies pull this shit on me sometimes. It’s like the last $10 in my account are held in reserve or some shit, so I can’t spend it.
So I went from feeling all smooth and confident because of how well I had piloted my tiny little financial boat through the waters of a five week FUCKING month to being super irritated at having to take things OUT of my virtual shopping cart until it believes I have enough to pay for them.
Very annoying, and a little insulting. The result is that I may run out of a few things before the end of the week and have to hope my rapidly dwindling cash supply can cover Julian going to pick me up a few things.
Poverty never runs out of fresh indignities. Nor does disability.
And I deserve more than this sad little life of mine. I need more money, obviously, in order to make me feel empowered to truly be part of the civilized world instead of limping along near the bottom of the heap.
But I also need some form of employment. I mean, if someone offered to just bankroll me into the middle class I wouldn’t turn it down, but it would be far better for me to get a job using my outrageous talents to make wonderful things.
And maybe even make the world a better place. Who knows.
I still haven’t found my good webcam. I am starting to think it’s gone forever, which means I will have to buy a new one.
That would make the old one show up. But the joke would be on them because my computer can totally handle input from more than one webcam at a time.
Then I could record myself from two angles and be able to cut to the side angle when editing in order to create visual interest in my talking head videos.
The one I can’t find is so damned good, though. Excellent audio, crystal clear video that runs smooth as glass, gets along with my video editing program.
I guess I am going to have to just keep cleaning till I find the fucking thing.
Somehow, I will survive.
More after the break.
This made me LOL more than once.
I wish I could embed Instagram clips like I do with YouTube clips.
There’s probably a widget for WordPress that does it but I am too lazy to go look right now, so meh.
Oh, and there’s this, because sometimes Jim Carrey is actually awesome.
That’s the mode he’s in lately, and I must say, I really like it.
I hope being really raw and honest doesn’t go out of style any time soon.
Because I’m good at that.
Oh, and because I must do things in threes :
It’s clearly made with love and care and that means a lot to me.
Being funny is serious business!
The other end
Well, here I am at the other end of another day.
I feel better than I did this morning. That awful feeling of malaise is gone and the headache is mostly gone, as is the raw feeling in my throat and lungs.
I kind of feel like I am waiting to be reborn. And that maybe I have been waiting for that for a really long time.
Since I was 4, in fact.
I’d like to be able to believe that the last 30 years of my life were not a waste of time but a long and necessary developmental stage, like it was 30 years in a cocoon.
That’s the most positive spin I can think of for all the time I have spent hidden from the world entertaining myself instead of living life.
And it’s not like I’ve been dead or asleep. I might be stuck in my emotional infancy but I have continued to absorb new info and digest it and add it to my mental model of reality and think and connect and deduce and observe.
So I may not have grown up but I have become deeper and wiser and smarter over the years. I have developed an unprecedented level of insight and a certain kind of secular spirituality that the world desperately needs, and maybe none of that would have been possible for me if I’d had a normal life.
A lot of poets and ideologues and visionaries had weird lives.
Maybe I’m no different from that.
Maybe I’m the good kind of special after all.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.