But without the body swapping.
Today, I’ve been super busy, and the day ain’t over yet.
Here’s a rough itinerary :
10 am – Julian wakes me up to tell me we have Wound Care in fifteen minutes. He had to do this because once more, my high powered musclebound beast of a computer could not handle being a fucking alarm clock so the alarm I had set for 9:35 am never sounded and thus I did not have sufficient time to get ready. Julian called ahead to warn them we would be late.
And we were, by about ten minutes. And this saddened me because I hate ever being late for anything. I feel that punctuality is a virtue. Shows you respect people enough to get your shit together and get there on time.
Oh well, No real harm done. Just some rushing, which I also hate to do, and a certain amount of stress.
11 am – We’re back home and I do my usual Friday grocery shopping.
Online, of course. It feels like forever since I was able to do my own grocery shopping in person, right there in the supermarket. That feels like it belongs to some kinder, gentler. more merciful plane of reality where the people whose legs work live.
As I have mentioned before, my remaining budget for groceries is quite tight because of that whole fucking five week month bullshit. Today’s bill came to $61.20 once tax and tip and so on were added.
That leaves something like $65 left on the card for next week, Should be enough.
1 pm – Therapy time. Not a great session because I was sleepy. Grabbing 20 minutes of sleep after the groceries arrived at 12:18 am clearly did nothing to abate the rabid sleep hunger I already had just from doing Wound Care.
It was a gamble. Head I feel refreshed and eager and insightful for therapy, tails I am half asleep and don’t really get anything done.
I got tails.
As booby prizes go, he ain’t half bad.
2:30 pm – We get to Rosewood Manor on time for my weekly shower. I am really looking forward to it as, due to my error prone mind, it has been two or three weeks since my last shower.
This time I skipped the shy bravado (you know, the kind where you suffer in silence because you don’t want to bug anyone with your problems) and got Albert to take me to and from the shower room in a wheelchair.
The walk from the lobby to the shower room and back is just too long for my malfunctioning legs to handle. The previous time I had my shower at Rosewood, my legs were hurting bad by the time I made it from the lobby to the shower room, and the end of the trip back from the shower room to the lobby was me basically falling into one of the lobby chairs as my legs gave out on me.
So it’s wheelchairs for me for the foreseeable future. Might as well get used to them, I am probably going to need my own one day.
Then home again at 3:30 pm or so and a brief gaming session was followed by my sitting down to write these very words for you lovely people
After this, a nice long nap until 7:30 pm, when Julian will ask me whether I want anything from McD’s.
Of course I do! Big Mac meal, please!
Said meal will be consumed while teledining with Joe and Felicity and Julian, during which we will watch YouTube stuff and gab.
After that, I finish the day’s blogging, then another brief nap until I hang out on Zoom with Julian and Felicity at midnight.
All in all, a very busy day.
Man am I gonna need more sleep!
More after the break.
You’re not as alone as you feel
That’s a thought that popped into my head regarding a friend who is struggling with their depression but I didn’t quite get the chance to tell them so I am putting it here.
It’s a sentiment I need to remember. My own depression makes me feel so profoundly alone sometimes that it’s hard to remember that there are people in this world who truly love me and that it is the mental illness, not objective reality, that makes me feel so very alone and abandoned.
The fact that I can’t feel their love does not mean it is not there. It’s just not getting through. And that is brutally tragic, but it’s still a much better situation than if there truly was no love for you in this world.
All the love and acceptance and understanding that I have always craved is right there waiting for me on the other side of this wall of ice inside me.
And the wall is melting. It’s fading away. It can’t be broken down all at once like some glorious springtime dam burst – I am too “stable” for that.
It would take some kind of overwhelmingly profound ever that overpowers my “rational” mind to trigger something like that. Something from outside.
But barring something like that, it can only be an incremental process. That way, I have time to adjust to the long, deep change involved, as opposed to my instinctive response to overwhelming things which is to close down and withdraw.
Back into my turtle shell I go, possibly even deeper than ever before.
And for now, at least, I can’t help that. It’s too instinctual for me to be able to hold back via rational restraint.
It takes place on the level that takes over when reason fails me. That’s what “overwhelm” means, and I suppose that’s why being overwhelmed freaks me out so bad that it makes me shut down.
I am still far too emotionally dependent on being in a state of detached reason where I am able to rationally choose each move.
That puts an unconscionable and inefficient burden on the rational intellect. Instinct and “going with your gut” is a much better life strategy in most situations.
Hopefully it’s not too late for me to reprogram myself out of that crap.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.