This doing my talks via TikTok is becoming a habit.
It just cuts out so many little annoying steps compared to doing it via webcam.
And most of the time all I am doing is talking to the camera anyhow, at least so far, and so nothing much is being lost by my doing them this way.
I still have ideas for taking my work to the next level production wise bubbling away in the slow cooker of my mind as well.
I know I can do more – way more – with this medium.
I could even do one man sketches like Ryan George does.
But first I have to level up.
Anyhow, here’s the latest on my hideous hands.
An update on the update : I was idly peeling some skin off my left hand when it started to hurt pretty bad, and then the patch where I had removed the skin was bleeding.
Apparently that patch of skin was not quite ready to go yet.
And that was an unpleasant surprise. But apparently some part of my brain did not get the memo because I kept peeling, and it happened again.
And that was just plain stupid. Le sigh.
Oh well, sometimes I have to learn things the hard way. And while on general principle it is better to be prudent and cautious, the one good thing about learning things the hard way is that the lessons tend to really stick.
Sure, it’s better to be the kind of kid who doesn’t need to be told not to touch the hot stove, but the kid who DOES touch it and get burned has a very strong and vivid memory of pain to keep him from ever doing it again.
The cautious kid only has theory.
And I wonder what kind of effect that has. A very long time ago I wrote about knowledge versus experience and how a cautious (read : timid) person like me might know a lot about a lot of things but those things only have the weight of theoretical knowledge in our minds and that’s far weaker and less meaningful than actual experience.
And yet time and time again clever cowards like me will try to convince ourselves that it’s better to get the knowledge without having to bother with the experience.
After all, the only point of the experience is to get the knowledge, right? That’s what you would be taking away from the experience anyhow.
As if memories and emotions and spiritual growth didn’t exist or didn’t matter.
I know that I have a weak and spindly spirit because of all the time it has spent being cooped up in this horrid little hamster cage of a life of mine. I know that what my spirit needs is to roam and explore and experience things and experiment with things and in general go out and actually live life.
But I am still frozen in carbonite by my fear. It still feels like trying to go beyond my tiny borders is like voluntarily feeding my hand into a grinder.
And I am trying to work up the nerve to do it anyway. They say that in order to be truly free, you have to give up a little part of yourself, and I feel like that goes triple for someone who has led the kind of cloyingly cloistered life I have.
Nobody should live like I have lived, and continue to live. People are meant to go out into the world and make something of themselves. They aren’t supposed to spend all day playing fucking video games and rotting on the shelf as the days tick on by, one very much like all the others.
I have been in this holding pattern for so long that it’s hard for me to even imagine living life any other way.
And yet I want to escape. I have GOT to escape.
I want to break free.
More after the break.
These guys are fun.
They do their videos with such gusto and verve and silliness that it makes them a joy to watch. I hope they are making a nice living from these videos!
The paradoxical leader
I have a lot of leadership attributes. But I don’t really want a lot of responsibility.
Therein lies the conflict.
I have a fair bit of charisma and power of personality. I have intelligence of many of the necessary varieties, like executive decision-making and empathy, I am scrupulously fair, an inspiring orator, and I really care about people.
On the other hand, the idea of taking on leadership responsibilities kinda makes me break out in hives. I have a very strong need for autonomy and leaders are tied to their position and their people and those things do not line up too good.
Which brings us to the third leg of the conflict : I feel drawn to leadership nevertheless. Something in me definitely feels like that’s where I belong. Where I am needed the most. What I should be doing.
And that makes me feel like I am being kinda irresponsible by refusing to do it.
Luckily it’s not like anyone is trying to offer me a leadership position or anything. It’s up to me if I want to try to organize a band of merry lunatics to get together and make stuff that’s so funny it’s crazy.
I could probably do it. I can be an inspiring figure if I let myself be. And it might be a lot of fun to see what kind of trouble we can get into by making radically awesome comedy.
But then that terrible part of me whines, “But what if we change our minds or stop feeling like doing it in the middle of doing it and then we’re stuck there. Exposed! “
So I have to ask myself, how much am I willing to sacrifice in order to constantly have an escape route at hand?
How important can that be?
Important enough to never go anywhere in life?
And what about all my latent ambition? Where does it fit in to all of this?
It doesn’t. And that’s the problem.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.