But first, my vid of the day.
I’m not that happy with it.
Here it is :
I didn’t totally feel like doing another video in the “Why you…. ” series and it shows. I had some ideas of where I wanted to take it and I thought they were enough, but the previous two vids were way tighter and more focused and I think it’s because I gave myself more time to think over what I wanted to say.
A lot of stuff from the first two vids was stuff I have had lying around in my brain for a long long time, so it comes across better.
Oh well, iterative learning isn’t always pretty. The next one will be better.
Anyhow, I thought I’d talk about my relationship with my brother Dave and how the fact that at points he was scaldingly jealous of me and my genius and how that affected me.
Had I been a different kind of kid, I guess we would have fought a lot. At least, that seems like a more normal reaction to a jealous older brother. And we did argue from time to time, especially when I was in elementary school, but for the most part his jealousy just was not part of my universe on a conscious level.
I was such a sensitive and empathic child that I learned to hide my light under a bushel in order to not upset him. It’s not like I couldn’t tell he was jealous of me, he was not exactly subtle about it, but I didn’t fight him on it, I just… adapted to it.
I don’t like interpersonal conflict. I will always, all things being equal, choose the peaceful option. Me shining bright upset him so I didn’t do it around him.
It really was that simple.
And for the most part it was subconscious. It happened on that deep and mysterious level where we negotiate with one another without even realizing it as our souls act like people sharing a row in coach on an airplane, moving around looking for a way we can occupy the same space comfortably.
I am guessing other people do not perceive said space consciously like I do. But I am a strange and mysterious critter and see much that is unseen.
And fail to see things that are seen, and trip over them, and fall, and say ouch.
Such is life in this material existence.
Anyhow, it’s hard to track how much this not wanting to outshine my brother has affected me. I did it because I didn’t want to upset him, not because I was afraid of hi or anything like that, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t get my shyness reinforced that way.
I am only now getting to the point where I am willing to truly let myself shine. And I am really only getting started with that. I can go way, way brighter than I ever have before, what with my megawatt brain and jumbo personality.
In fact, sometimes I think I belong on a stage, where I can shine all I want and people kind of expect it. Maybe as a performer, I could finally truly express myself.
Too bad I’m a gimp. Le sigh.
For the most part, I am just not equipped to handle other people’s jealousy. I had fellow students in my various schools who in retrospect were clearly jealous of me, but at the time it didn’t even really register.
Which must have been infuriating, I suppose. Oh well. I was just being me.
I guess a big part of it was that I was so naturally gifted that I excelled others without even trying and thus I never saw others as rivals myself.
When I told Michael McNally I was happy he had won some dancing competition, I was being absolutely sincere, and in my own clumsy way I was trying to compensate for his jealousy of me by showing him he was good at things I couldn’t do.
That’s not how he took it, though. He gave me such a look of burning hatred that I am surprised he didn’t hiss.
To this day, I dunno what I’d do if I found out someone was seething with jealousy for me. Try not to shine too much when they are around, maybe.
I am just not built for that shit.
More after the break.
Now roll 1dbrains
I am feeling rather mind scrambled at the moment, like someone shook my brains in a Yahtzee cup and pitched them against the wall like dice in a back-alley craps game.
I’m sure I had a bunch of ideas as to what to write here earlier today, but of course, I never write that kind of thing down, so they’ll all in the random file now.
Most things end up in the random file, at least for a while.
Tonight’s dinner is another of those President’s Choice dinner. They are, so far, a lot nicer and somewhat larger than the Michelina’s I am used to eating, but they are also over twice the price, so it’s a tradeoff.
I can probably buy one a week without breaking the bank.
This one is General Tao’s Chicken, so I hope he doesn’t know I have it. Ha hah.
I first had this dish as General Tso’s chicken at a Thai place in Portland, Oregon. It was my first time ever eating Thai so big Brian got a big order of this because it was the thing on the menu that would look the most familiar to a rube like me who had only ever had “Chinese” food before then.
He’s a sharp dude. When I knew him he’d survived as a social worker for six years way back in the 90’s. So his people managing skills were on point.
It said it was medium spicy on the package, and I agree. That was like, normal spicy. I probably should not have ordered it, given the occasionally explosive results of my eating spicy food at my age, but so far so good.
And it was quite tasty, too. I won’t get it again, but it was nice.
Now to lay down so I can suddenly remember what I meant to write about.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.