We have never had much of a relationship because I have never had much.
Including way too many years in which I had absolutely none. Nothing. Zero, zip, zilch, nothing. I had room and board thanks to very kind and understanding friends, or my parents just kind of being stuck with me, but I had absolutely no money of my own.
This was supposed to give me plenty of incentive to go out and get a job.
Instead, of course, I just adapted. It’s what I do.
What was missing from that equation is that I had never had very much money so I did not miss it when it wasn’t there.
For me, that was business as usual.
And it’s the same now. I have adapted to my current income level and can get by pretty well, so I am not filled with a yearning need for employment.
But still, sometimes, I try.
Like I keep saying with monotonous regularity, I’ve never had a real job or supported myself, so that entire world of employment is a misty neverland to me. It might as well be Avalon, or Cair Paravel, or Mars.
I might admire it from afar and think that it looks like a positively heavenly place, but I obviously never expect to find myself there.
Instead, I am slowly burrowing around in search of alternate ways to make a living, like being a YouTuber.
This is not, I assume, a likely or sensible way to try to make a living. But I am not a likely or probable guy. Nothing I do really makes sense or is a wise choice or would strike a dispassionate onlooker as particularly “smart”.
And for me, trying to make it as a YouTuber just kind of makes sense. It suits me. It’s something that I can do by myself from this very computer and it uses my skills as a communicator and personality and it lets me express more of the creative energies that my spirit teems with than blogging every did and I am not exactly better the farm on my ability to make YouTube pay me a living.
And maybe that’s my problem. I don’t have a burning passion driving me to just keep on trying to achieve those big old dreams of mine.
What dreams? I don’t have those kind of dreams. I am way too chilly inside for burning passions, at least so far, and everything in my head is geared towards maintaining the status quo of my stupid fucking life and so something as disruptive and disquieting as a big beautiful dream does not stand the slightly fucking chance in me.
I stay comfortable. To my excessively lackadaisical spirit, being driven by fear of failure or a need to prove myself or even just wanting to “be somebody” seems like a total drag, man, and way too much work, not to mention stress and strain and pressure.
If I am to find my way out of this pathetic little pit of mine, I will have to go in the opposite direction and learn to live for fun and relaxation and pleasure and joy and all the other good things.
And if that happens to include something “productive”, great. I honestly would be a lot happier if I had productive things to do, but I am not (yet) capable of generating those things for myself.
By default, all I do is entertain myself to make it through the day.
And that just isn’t enough any more. I need more substance in my life.
And that will NOT be comfortable.
More after the break.
Life with stuff in it
The brutal truth is that my life has nothing in it.
Nothing that means that much to me, anyway. Obviously I don’t just stare at the wall all day. I’m not catatonic. I do things. I make videos. I write for this blog o’ mine.
And that’s actually a lot more productive than a lot of disabled folk. All my ex-roomie Angela did was watch TV and hoard things.
So clearly some part of me is driven to make something beyond myself. I need to output to the world somehow. I need to make things and put them out into the world. I need to create and display like an old time artisan.
But what I am doing just isn’t enough any more. Adding the videos to the mix was a fantastic start to making something that’s a tad more visible than this obscure little blog of mine that I don’t even promote anywhere or show anyone.
So there’s that. But I crave more and I think what I really crave is connection with the real world, however mitigated by screens it perforce has to be.
My life is far too ephemeral and insubstantial. Video games are such bullshit because they make you feel like you’re doing things and getting somewhere, but it’s all a lie.
It’s all just hamster wheel BS to fool me into inaction and wasting away. There has to be a way or two for me to connect with someone of greater substance and meaning where I can use my fabulous skills to do something with a little fucking weight to it.
I know that I am capable of truly amazing things but first I have to be able to calm down and focus just enough to harness my abilities to my ambitions and desires so that they can pull me out of this rut and maybe even bring me things I can be proud of.
Actual achievements, not just imaginary rewards for running in place the longest.
Maybe if I can get something like that going, I will feel more like a real person and not just some broken cipher without merit or meaning or even reality.
Maybe that’s what happens when so much of your life is unreal. It’s all just pixels on a screen and has no other sensory reality to it and so the line between what’s in my head and what’s on my screen gets very blurry and it all starts to seem imaginary and unreal.
Just like me.
So for the n-teenth time, I tell myself that I have to get out of this box I am in and out into the real world so I can breathe the fresh air and feel the sun on my face and maybe even feel like I am really here for once.
I’m working on it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.