My god yes, lock these men up forever for having sex with some animals rather than doing something normal like killing them, eating them, wearing their skins, wearing their fur, experimenting on them, forcing them to labour for us, riding them, surgically altering them, including removing their sexuality entirely, branding them, forcing them to be our pets, shaving them enslaving them, or taking them to the vet to be euthanized because we’re bored with them. 

You know. Normal stuff like that.

Me, on facebook, being awesome

I wrote that on Facebook earlier today, and as you may be able to tell, I am insanely proud of it.

I have never made that particular point nearly that well. I feel like I leveled up as a writer there. I really nailed it.

Obviously, it was written in response to a news story about bestiality. A bunch of dudes face 41 years in prison for the terrible crime of fucking their farm animals.

Something which, I must add, the animal ,might well enjoy and certainly does not mind as much as a human would.

This is normally when people bring up consent and the blatantly illogical idea that sex with animals is wrong because they can’t consent.

Since when do we give a shit about an animal’s consent? They sure as fuck don’t consent to all the stuff I listed above. We don’t even seek their consent to be out pets and thus subject to our whims.

Getting your animal neutered just so they will be easier to deal with and not embarrass us socially with boners and/or humping? Perfectly legal.

Ditto for spaying. Maybe your cat wants kittens, but you don’t, and I don’t see you putting a pen in her paw so she can sign the consent form.

In all ways and from all angles, a law against bestiality makes absolutely no sense and is not logically justifiable in any way.

Unless, of course, people are willing to also ban all those other things we do to animals without their consent, including making them be our pets.

Something tells me not even the most ardent of animal lovers would be willing to go that far. Not even if they are from PETA.

Hmmm. People for the Eroitic Training of Animals. Could work.

So if these laws are logically and morally unsupportable, what is left?

Only taboo. Sheer mindless taboo. That’s all the law is doing when they put those poor men in jail. They are enforcing a taboo as thoughtless and wrong as anti-miscengenation laws or anti-sodomy laws.

The law is a relic of a previous era where we thought it was perfectly fine to criminalize behaviour which harmed nobody and therefore in which the government had no standing and was, quite frankly, none of their goddamned business.

But we have evolved since then. We have accepted that revulsion about something is not a moral argument. People do all kinds of things that someone else might find disgusting all the time, and we rightly mind our own business about it because we know that tolerating others is the price we way for them tolerating us.

Viewed in this light, anti-bestiality laws stick out like a sore thumb as totally out of step with the rest of our enlightened views on individial freedom in general and sexual freedom specifically. We don’t lock people up for what kind of sex they like any more.

Unless it involves animals for some reason.

The only reason these laws persist is that nobody in their right mind would actually stand up in their legislative body and defend bestiality. It would be political suicide of a particularly messy and humiliating sort. They would instantly become a laughingstock and fodder for every late night comedian on Planet Earth.

So those poor men from the story, who did nothing wrong. will spend the rest of their lives in jail simply because nobody has the balls to stand up for them.

Does that sound right to you?

I know a lot of zoophiles They love their pets as much as any other animal lover (or should that be animal’s lover?). In fact, they might love their pets more because they have such a deep and intimate connection with them.

I have dabbled myself. The idea of it was highly erotic to me so I decided to give it a try. Results were mixed at best. The idea of it was hotter to me than the reality of it.

But I am quite open to the idea of giving it another go, this time hopefully with an animal that is used to having sex with humans so that at least one of us knows what they are doing instead of a lot of awkward fumbling about.

Just like sex with people, really.

Nobody is asking anyone to wholeheartedly embrace the zoophiles of the world, although that would be lovely.

I am merely suggesting that we should let people deal with their pets – who are not people and technically their personal property – as they see fit.

And now, all the people who want to howl at me for breaking a taboo by even talking about the issue, let alone being on the “wrong” side of it.

Who am I kidding? I can never get into trouble on purpose. The only people who will read this are my friends and they know how weird I am already.

Still, the lunatic in me wants to do something crazy like post a link to this article on Facebook and see if I could actually reap the whirlwind for once.

I know that I would be willing to defend this position against any and all comers. My spirit is strong. my belief unshakeable, and my logic unassailable.

And I, personally, would find it great fun to meet the blunt instrument of public outrage with the laser sharp edge of my amazing mind.

And if people are mad at first, just wait till they start being convinced.

They’ll flip their wigs three times sideways at me.

And so help me God, that sounds really, really good to me right now.

So who knows. I might just do it.

After all, I am certifiably insane and insane people do crazy shit all the time.

I think it’s time I start to really enjoy that.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.