“Fuck off, Pep. ” said Uncle Tip.

“Aw, that’s what you always say, Uncle Tip. But I’m bored and I want to DO something!” said Pep.

“That’s none of my concern, you little shit. Why are you always bothering me when I’m drinking. ” said Uncle Tip, pointedly taking a hearty swallow of the thick and fuzzy liquor his clan produced.

“Because you’re ALWAYS drinking. ” whined Pep. “And you’re my favorite uncle!”

“Bugger if I know why. ” said Tip. “All I ever do is tell you to fuck off. ”

“That’s not true, that’s not true!” insisted Pep. “Sometimes you give me something to do in order to get rid of me. Nobody else does that!”

“You have a point, Runt. I must be getting soft hearted in my old age. Time was, I would have told you to fuck off with the end of my boot up your arse and laughed the whole while, like a real Tassie. Now I can barely work up the ire to tell you to fuck off with my mouth. I always knew that my kind soul and gentle heart would be my downfall one day. I just never thought it would come in the form of a pint sized demon child plaguing me with questions and demands all the long bloody day. Ah well, it’s a fool that feeds a foal unless he wants a pet for life, they say. Say, why aren’t you with your Gram right now?”

“She’s got a gentleman caller in, and he paid for the whole day, so I can’t go back til tomorrow. She said this one smells rich and she is going to go all out to insure repeat custom. ” said Pep.

“Oh, right. ” said Uncle Tip, eyes glazing over with sudden nostalgia. “I remember when I had one of your Gram’s full days after a grand day at the bug track. Gawd, but she has an imagination and a will to please. I couldn’t walk a straight line for days after. No wonder she didn’t want a little shit like you hanging around creeping out the customers. It’s a wonder I don’t see you more often, then. ”

“Sometimes she lets me stay!” objected Pep. “I just have to stay in the attic and not make any noise. But this time the old beggar saw me and wanted me out pronto, and Gram said I better leave before the old beggar got any idea, and so off I went and here I am. ”

“Yes, here you are, to plague me afresh. But that is just me, always ending up with other people’s problems dumped into my lap when I am just trying to enjoy a nice quiet drink. Why, just the other day, your mother was over here trying to cozy up to me to get my liquor. Me, of all people! With all this bad luck I’ve been having, and Dud’s still blowing up so I had to find someplace new to steal my medicine, and this bustitis of mine making all the joints on my left side burn like Bewel’s piss, and…

Pep listened eagerly to his Uncle Tip’s long and exhaustive litany of complaints, making sure to say “That’s too bad!” and “What a shame!” and such in the right places, and he meant it every time. It did not seem right to Pep that one person should suffer so much terrible misfortune, and always right when Uncle Tip was just about to get back on his feet and make a go of things again.

Plus, of course, he had already learned in his eight short years of life that if you got old people complaining and listened all the way till the end, they almost always gave you something. He was not sure why this was, but he figured old people have so much to complain about that most people got sick of hearing it, and so they needed a fresh audience all the time just to get through it all.

And what the hell, it wasn’t like Pep had a lot to do with his time, especially when Gram had a caller in.

When Tip was done, or at least exhausted, Pep risked asking a question. “Uncle Tip, why won’t anybody give me anything to do?”

Tip laughed. “To do? And just what can a worthless little runt like you do? You’re too small for most jobs, and you are too young and too stupid to know how to do anything, besides!”

“But how am I supposed to learn how to do anything if nobody will teach me anything?” protested Pep.

“I don’t know, plenty of ways! When I was your age, I didn’t go about moping and whining and bothering my elders. I learned everything by stealing and spying and copying and trying things out on my own, like any good member of the Tasselbar clan. Learning by asking is the skivvie thing, and you are a Tassie, kid, through and through, for all there is of you anyhow. And we don’t ask and we don’t learn from books and we don’t hang around bothering poor old men who just want to drink in peace with stupid questions!” He punctuated these last two words with violent gestures in Pep’s general direction with his liquor jug, causing the contents to slosh, gurgle, and mutter dangerously.

Pep knew he had pushed his luck too far now, and he had better skedaddle. But he would not be a true Tassie if he didn’t at least make one more try to get what he wanted despite ferocious odds.

“Well that’s just too bad, Old Uncle Tip, because with Gram in business, I got nothing to do all day but sit here bothering you and stealing your liquor when you aren’t looking!” said Pep. Where did I come up with that last bit, he wondered. He had tried a little of Tip’s liquor once and all it had done for him was make him piss and puke for a couple of hours. Stealing it had never even occurred to him before. But he had said it, and now he was stuck with it. Inspiration took strange forms some time.

“You would never! Mark my words, you filthy little demon, if you go taking my liquor and selling it down at Ollie’s, I will lock you in my pantry then sell your arse to the Ginners over in Clede.”

Pep didn’t know what a “ginner” was, exactly. He just knew they liked to “do things” to little boys and girls. He had no idea what “things” those might be, but they must be pretty bad, what with the way the adults said “things”. Still, he knew this was an idle threat. Clede was three days walk from here, and Uncle Tip hadn’t gone that far for decades.

He was going to remember that bit about selling liquor at Ollie’s though. He hadn’t even known that was possible until now. Uncle Tip always taught him something, sooner or later.

“Just watch me, old man!” said Pep. “The minute you pass out, I am going to find all your liquor and take it down to Ollie’s and when you wake up, there won’t be a drop in the house!”

Tip swore him up and down and sideways with all the vigor and color of his Tassie ancestry, then said “What is it going to take to get rid of you, you little shit?”

Pep had been waiting for this. “What’s this box?” he asked innocently, pointing to a quite fascinating looking box with a monster painted on front and a bunch of levers in back that he had noticed quite some time ago in Uncle Tip’s old hovel.

Uncle Tip snatched it up and peered at it with his weak old eyes, and after a few moments, he said “Oh this? This is my old spinner box. You push the levers and pretty music comes out. It goes over great with the skivvies, you put a hat down and play it and they put coins in the hat, just like that. Here, take it and get out of here. ” He thrust the box into Pep’s tiny hands so hard he bowled the boy over.

“So I just push any of these and music comes out?” said Pep as he got back to his feet and looked the strange box over. ”

“Yes, yes. Push the levers, pretty music, anyone can do it.” babbled Uncle Tip as he pushed Pep through the flap of leather that was the Tassie definition of “door”. “Take it down to Ollie’s and you will get more coins than you could ever get for my good liquor, that I stole with my own two hands and all!”

“OK, I’ll give it a go. ” yelled Pep at his Uncle Tip through the other side of the “door”, out on the street. “But if it doesn’t do what you say, you old drunk, I will be back for your liquor. ”

The formalities taken care of, Pep examined the mysterious “spinner box” carefully. It seemed harmless enough. He gingerly pushed down on one of the dozens of levers, and was so shocked by the horrible noise that resulted that he nearly dropped it.

“Don’t you start playing that godawful thing again, Tip!” shouted a neighbor. “I swear, if you wake the baby with that again, I will come over and smash your old bald head in with it!”

Clearly this was not a safe place to unlock the mysteries of this mysterious treasures. Pep racked his brain for someplace isolated enough that he would be left alone.

Then he decided to just wander out of town and find a likely spot. Down a gully somewhere, or up a hill. Someplace only farmers and other skivvies went, so he could find some peace and quiet to shatter.

And so Pep wandered out of town, and climbed a big hillock, and was just starting to get the hang of making the music sound not quite so bad when something caught his eye.

It was the biggest human being Pep had ever seen.

Andrew stepped off the slidewalk and entered the nondescript storefront of Die Now Incorporated.

As his eyes adjusted to the subdued lighting, the first thing he noticed was that, despite the garishly macabre nature of Die Now’s promotions on the tridee, the offices of said corporation were not so different than those of the differential analysis firmed for which he worked. Light beige carpeting, recessed “comfort” lighting, a reception desk. He found himself gaping at the normalcy.

“Not quite what you expected, I take it?”

Andrew turned, and met the soft gaze and warm smile of a middle aged woman in her eighties. “Oh, hello! Er yes, I suppose I was expecting something more… ”

“Brutal?” the woman supplied, and they both laughed. “Don’t feel bad, that is what everybody thinks before their first time here. But we find that once the person has made the decision to die, there is no more need for the Halloween imagery and Grim Reaper talk. What they need now is a neutral, soothing atmosphere in which to make their final decisions.

“I appreciate it. ” He truly did. He had decided to die not even a full hour ago, and was greatly relieved at the woman’s calm, professional demeanour and the office’s low key decor.

“So, shall we begin? ” asked the woman.

Andrew gulped, swallowing his heart. “What, do it right now?” Suddenly, he was terrified.

“Oh no, Mister…. um…. ”

“Genesis. ” said Andrew. “Andrew Genesis.”

“Pleased to meet you, Andrew. My name is Rue. To answer your question, it is the policy of this company to never do anything without the full and total consent of the client. You can cancel the whole thing even up to the very last moment before the procedure for no charge whatsoever. Many people find that merely facing their mortality achieves whatever it was they had hoped to achieve by surrendering it, and we fully support their decision. We are here, after all, merely to facilitate. ”

“I see. ” said Andrew. Now he felt silly for his earlier overreaction. So what if he had been done right then? It was what he was here to do, wasn’t he?”

Rue sat down behind the reception desk and said “So are we ready to begin the intake process?”

Andrew sat down opposite her, and said “Yes.” quite firmly.

“Excellent. Now we already have your name. Place of employment? ”

Andrew coughed. “Um… Something A Little Differential Analysis. ” He smiled apologetically. “I didn’t pick the name. ”

Rue did not miss a beat. “Oh, SALDA, I’ve heard of them. They do excellent work. I think we may have employed your firm during our early years, for the hard actuarial work. Place of residence?”

“Bubble Nine, Ohio Ring, Third Municipal Layer, Kipling Branch, Trunk 989, Upper Half, Volta City.”

Rue typed away efficiently. “Right. Now, I have to ask you this for record-keeping and legal liability reasons, but rest assured your answer will in no way influence the outcome of this interview or the availability of our services : why is it that you wish to die?”

“Ah. ” said Andrew. He had assumed he would be asked this, but it still seemed abrupt. ” Well, for all the usual reasons, I suppose. Bored with life, can’t see any point in going on to just more of the time, not lucky in love, etc.”

“I see. ” said Rue, typing.

The sudden silence dug into Andrew’s nerves. “Is that not…. er, enough?”

“Oh, it’s fine, Andrew. As I told you, we only record the reason for legal reasons. If it makes you feel any better, your justifications are quite average. Some people come here for far slighter reasons than that. One young lady came in here yesterday just because she was mad at her girlfriend!”

They both laughed at that, and Andrew felt greatly relieved. At least he wasn’t like that silly person!

“Now have you decided how long you wish to remain dead, Andrew?”

“What?” said Andrew. “You mean there’s… I didn’t know there was a choice. I mean, I knew it wasn’t permanent, of course… ”

“Of course. Our business would be quite illegal if it was, and rightfully so. But we can keep you dead for any period of time you choose up to and including the statutory limit of five years. ”

“Oh I see. ” said Andrew. “I guess I just hadn’t thought it through that far, truth be told. Does it make much of a difference?”

“Not really, no. Dying is an experience. Being dead is not. So really, it is up to you how long you want to be dead. We are quite happy to fit you death into your busy schedule. We have plenty of storage space, and our Thanatonic Field Generators take almost no energy to run once they are warmed up. The only real difference it makes is to the storage charge on your final bill. ”

“Right. ” said Andrew thoughtfully. He pondered his options. If it really didn’t make that big of a difference to the experience, simple frugality would dictate that he choose the lowest possible duration for his well timed demise. Then again, it had cost him eight Transfers and nearly half an hour of his time just to get here, and it seemed silly to go to all that trouble and expense for something that was only going to last a moment or two…

“And you guarantee that I will actually die, and be dead? ” asked Andrew, stalling for time.

“Indeed! That is what makes us a leader in the field of death. We have reams of testimonials from satisfied clients who assure us that they truly thought they were dying. We even have some clients who had suffered a near-death experience before coming to us, and they swear it is exactly like the real thing. We have doctors, surgeons, and scientists who have sworn that they can detect absolutely no sign of life in any part of our clients’ bodies while the Field is on. You will be completely, thoroughly, and entirely dead in all respects but one. ”

“Oh?” said Andrew, only half-listening. “And what would sense that be?”

“The legal one. Legally, you will still be considered alive. A court ruling earlier this year made it clear that any form of death, no matter how thorough, which can be reversed is not consider death in the legal sense. So if you had any thoughts of escaping debts or collecting life insurance…. ”

“Oh heavens, no!” exclaimed Andrew. “I just want to die!”

“Ah good. We here at Die Now prefer that our clients do not go into the procedure with any kind of misconceptions as to the nature of the outcome. The good news is that because you are never legally dead, there is no problem resuming your previous life when you return to the living, if you so choose.”

“Wonderful. ” said Andrew. That was the last thing he wanted. He had sort of assumed that once you died, you got to start over again. New name, new friends, new job, new life. Right? Like… reincarnation. But without having to grow up all over again.

“One last question before we go ahead with the procedure, again, strictly for record keeping and legal reasons. I assume you have made all the appropriate post mortem arrangements? Pets being cared for, friends notified, employer informed, and all that?”

Andrew stared at his shoes, blushing hotly. He hadn’t done any of those things! Suddenly this whole thing seemed impulsive and stupid. His plant ecology would need feeding in a few hours. He was pet
sitting his best friends’ two pet civets. Hells below, he even had a date that night. And really, if he just went back to his same old life afterward, and the actual experience itself was unpleasant, then really what was the point?

He stood abruptly and stammered as he backed towards the door, “Listen, I…. uh, I th-think I should really give this some, uh… I don’t think I really want to um… ”

Rue smiled at him reassuringly. “I fully understand, Andrew. Take all the time you need. Would you like to take some of our literature with you…?”

Andrew shook his head as he bumped into the door. “Um, no, I don’t think I should… I mean, I don’t think it will be necessary to, uh… ”

And with that, he turned and fled.

Rue gave the slightest of shrugs, and deleted Andrew’s file. That was not strictly in accordance to corporate policy, but over the years of doing this job, Rue had learned to read the people who came in that door pretty well, and she knew in an instant that Andrew was not truly a client. She knew he would never go through with it. She would have bet a month’s worth of Transfers that he was a one-hour or less case. The real clients were the ones who had truly thought it through. Or the ones who were truly so impulsive that nothing could stop them anyhow.

Just then, a pale child barely in her thirties stepped into Die Now Inc.

Rue smoothed her dress, watch this young thing gape at the banality of the office for a moment, then approached her quietly, and said :

“Not quite what you expected, I take it?”

{Scene opens on a lone unoccupied upscale podium in a single spotlight. Background noise is of subdued conversation and the clink of silverware and glasses, suggesting a formal dinner. The podium remains empty for a few long beats before a bleary-eyed man in disheveled formal attire enters the spotlight, back to camera. He turns around slowly, squints at the spotlight’s glare, shields his eyes with his arm for a moment, then takes a rather rumpled sheaf of paper out of a pocket in his jacket, and with the towering and elaborate dignity of the truly drunk, makes a show of putting the paper down on the podium, smoothing it out carefully, taking out his glasses and putting them on, and hrumphing and aheming until the noise dies down. He is inexpertly shaven, poorly combed, and a little unsteady. }

Speaker : Ahem. It is both my duty and my pleasure as the duly chosen spokesperson of this august assemblage to announce that, after a long and trying night of intense negot… nego…. talks, involving many important concessions made on both sides and deep sharing of mutual respect, as well as pitchers of beer, cocktails, and…. that red stuff Rabul was passing around later on…

Rabul : (off camera, shouted) It’s call (incomprehensible, vaguely Arabic sounding)

Speaker : Clicks and pops, Rabul. Whistles and beeps. (seems to forget his place for a moment) Anyhow….. ahem. Right. It is both my duty and my pleasure as the duly…. etcetera of this…. group, to announce that after… all of that other stuff…. we have arrived at a list of agreements in principle that I think you will all agree herald a new era of understanding between all men on the things which truly unite us. I will not read the entire list, as my time before you is limited and the list is quite…. uh, extensive. But I will share a sampling of items from said list and I think that will be sufficient for you to get the uh…. gist.

{Speaker shuffles papers for a few moments, as though looking for the right page, then ahs, clears his throat again, and begins. }

1. We are all in clear agreement that conflict and strife have taken far too heavy a toll on all sides, and that everyone involved is committed to ending the conflict so that we can all rebuild our lives and go back to how things were before this ugly conflict ever began.
2. Chocolate is frigging awesome. Seriously. Chocolate is like, the best tasting thing ever. Think about it. Every single person in the world likes chocolate. Name one another food like that, just one. You can’t. There isn’t one. That’s like… amazing. Chocolate. Amazing.
3. Tits can be too big. There’s such a thing as too much of a good thing. There was some debate on this point, but consensus was, in the eleventh hour, that tits can be too big if, um…. (squints at page, scanning it) “if they’re so big the chick can’t even, like, walk, or whatever. ”
4. Some guys…. some guys…. you know, some guys, just…. fuck’m. You know what I mean? Fuck’m. That’s all you can just. Just…. fuck those guys. Fuck’m. Right? Right.
5. Empire, also know as Episode V, is, objectively and scientifically speaking, the best of all the Star Wars movies. New Hope is great too, don’t get us wrong, and Jedi had some awesome parts despite all the fucking teddy bears, but still. Empire. Number one. Yoda, Lando, Luke losing his hand, Han being frozen at the end… come on. No comparison. (pause, then quickly and offhandedly) Oh, and of course, it goes without saying that the prequels all blow goat balls and Lucas should die of shame.
6. If you are out with your friends, and some douchebag is being a total asshole to some waitress for like no reason at all, and none of you do anything to stop him, then you are all equally to blame. None of this “Well you should have said something” bullshit. Everybody is to blame, and you all should kick in something extra in her tip, or you are just as bad as a douchebag himself.
7. Wax lips are gross and wrong on every possible level. Ditto candy corn.
8. Some guys, just….. (faint voice from the audience is briefly heard, incomprehensible)Oh, I did that one already? Shit. Still…. some guys, just…. fuck’m.
9. Nobody can actually prove that Marilyn Manson and Paulie Shore are two entirely different and separate human beings, and this fact should bring fear to the hearts of all right thinking people on the planet Earth.
10. Uh…. this one is a little hard to read, looks like someone added it in what appears to be pencil crayon later on… uh…. I think it says…. “brownies forever”? Uh, OK… (voices off) What? What does it say? What the hell is a “bronie”? Whatever.

I think you will all agree that this document is but the beginning of an historic process of building a foundation for a new era in which all men can live together in peace, harmony, and understanding, and it would be foolish to stop such a clearly epoch-making process before it can complete its historic work of….. history. Accordingly, I will now adjourn this meeting so that my colleagues and I can return to finding even greater accord, and respect, and cocktail recipes, until our job is truly complete, or at least until enough of us can remember where we parked to get the hell out of here. Meeting adjourned!”

{Speaker fishes through the papers on the podium for a gavel, finds none, shrugs and bangs on the side of the podium with his cellphone twice, then looks around as though looking for the way out of the spotlight, once more shading his eyes with his arm, then stumbles out of view. Belatedly, there is a smattering of applause from the audience. A few more seconds of ambient noise, along with a few coughs. )

THE END