I ended up talking about my routine and my addiction to it and to video games.
It’s really quite a serious issue.
Here is the vid :
Distressing development – I lost a lot of stuff I said to glitches in the recording process. They’ve happened before now and then, causing me to lose a second here or a moment there, but this was a whole whack of them.
So next time I record, I will close down my browser first and hope that helps. It’s depressing to lose my words, whatever medium they are in.
As might come across in the video, I am feeling somewhat lost and melancholy today, I feel a deep dissatisfaction with life as I know it and it makes me feel like I am pacing back and forth from sheer insomnia in my mind.
This is probably a good thing. In the long run, it will be restlessness, dissatisfaction, and frustration that will spur new growth in me and cause me to need to expand my boundaries and makes some sort of life for myself.
Because I might be alive, but this ain’t livin’.
I’ve often been irritated by the whole “carpe diem” crowd. They say “live life to the fullest” like everyone already knows what that would mean to them and all they needed was a push from Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society to say, “Oh, I guess I should go do that thing I want to do now, then. ”
I can think of dreams I have and things that would excite me greatly if I had them, but I don’t see a doable, usable path from me to them.
All kinds of paths that would work for all kinds of people who aren’t me, of course. I could tell you all kinds of very plausible and “helpful” tips as to how I could try getting a job writing TV (like entering TV writing contests) or maybe some kind of remote work (like buying a cell phone so I can get back on UpWork) or maybe looking to going back to school via distance education (like getting a Psych degree) or a million other things.
All things that, from a certain point of view, I “could” do. The sort of things that any well meaning person would advise me to do. The sort of things that my therapist does, in fact, tell me I should do.
But we both know that ain’t gonna happen.
I guess the real question I should be asking myself is not “what should I do with my life?” but “how do I stop being scared of everything?”.
Because it’s that all encompassing fear that is the short chain keeping me tethered to this farce of a life of mine. Any of that “good advice” stuff is based on the presumption that I can do things and very often I just cannot.
Not if they aren’t already part of my routine and thus part of my own tiny world.
So nothing is going to change until I break this chain or slip my collar and get the fuck out of this tiny little cage.
But that scares me. The world outside my captivity is so big and loud and complicated and scary and I am such a tiny, broken, frightened thing.
I don’t know what could make it possible for me to break free of this self imposed closed habitat and live a real life.
I don’t know how to make all that fear of the world go away.
I don’t know where to find the strength and confidence I need in order to overcome my limitations and become the person I was meant to be.
I don’t know how to grow up and be human.
I barely even know how to live at all.
More after the break.
Here are a bunch of foxes really pouring on the cute.
And I thought this was hilarious.
Well, you know what they say… nose to the Grindr-stone.
The rough and rugged road
I feel like I am on the right road but it’s pretty rough going.
Can’t be avoided, I am afraid. I have to learn to overcome things instead of always tucking tail and running away from everything and that means building up the sheer horsepower of my spirit so it can take those hills.
Right now, I can’t take the hills. The system is shot.
And that means I need to resign myself to pushing through the curtain of fear that has been the outer wall of my sad little universe for far too long.
There is no avoiding it entirely. Sooner or later we must overcome ourselves in order to grow. We can’t become a butterfly until we die as a caterpillar. The people we must become must kill the people we are now in order to be born.
We are perpetually in our own way.
And as someone who favors stability and predictability, that is bad news. I would rather be able to get wherever I need to go via gradual, serene accumulations of tiny, barely noticeable shifts, with no revolutions, evolutions, or extreme solutions needed.
But alas, that’s not always possible. Yes, I do change slowly over time, but I am reaching a point where that’s going to lead to a metamorphosis whether I want it too or not and so I better get used to the idea.
Were I a more rugged and daring type and not such a bloodless intellectual, I might follow my instincts – I do have them – to my next evolutionary level, even if that means a massive spiritual crisis and even temporary insanity.
But I am built for long term stability over all else.
So gradualism will have to do.
All I can do is keep letting the sand accumulate on the healthy side of the scale until we finally reach that god damned tipping point.
Hopefully that will be all it takes.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.