First off, today’s vid, which is just me yakking about stuff.
Yes, I finally have a smartphone. Huzzah. I will share the number with trusted folk upon request so that you may text me.
I mean what the hell. Text is a large part of what I do all day anyhow.
But like I said before, there will be absolutely no games installed on it, EVER. I don’t want to get drawn back into gaming in bed and absolutely wrecking my sleep.
I will use the thing to listen to podcasts or YouTube vids or whatever and of course I will use it to communicate but that’s it.
My video game free time in bed is precious to me now.
Besides, if I start adding games to it, I will end up doing crosswords all day.
Secondly, holy crap, I just made this :
Turns out the magical folk at Perchance have bestowed another miraculous tool upon the creative landscape, and this one makes COMIC STRIP PANELS. Holy CRAP!
This could be huge, folks. The imgen engine still doesn’t quite handle text right, but it’s pretty damn close, and that means it might be close enough for me to work with.
Hank Watches Television could actually come back! Although this time, I think the farm animals would be terminally online instead.
And because this is Perchance and they are magical. it’s all totally free. That is especially welcome after going through three “free to try” sites that do the same thing but want my money.
Well fuck you. I’m a Perchance fox.
I am going to master this comic making tool and then I will start putting out some sort of webcomic, possibly on a daily basis.
Having to make it a panel at a time is a bitch, so expect me to be exploring the world of single panel comics for a while.
But holy batshit, Fatman. COMICS.
Next up we have the most wholesome, heart-melting, life-affirming video ever.
Damn I wish I could embed Bluesky videos!
Anyhow, here it is.
Is that not the greatest dog ever? They’re helping the baby walk! Nobody taught them to do that. They figured it out on their own and all because all mammals instinctively are gentle with children and do what they can to help them.
And it doesn’t matter that we’re different species. Clearly all mammals are programmed to recognize children of all species, and instinctively care for them.
And if that doesn’t warm your heart, you are god damned dead.
What else, Oh right, the thing I set out to talk about.
When doing Therapy Thursday today, the issue of my need for a very particular kind of control came up and something crystallized for me.
I love it when things do that.
I realized that it’s as though at some point, my overweaning intellect took total control of my psyche and my soul and declared that from that point on, all my impulses, instincts, motivations, drives, and other motive factors has to go through it for approval.
And it doesn’t approve much.
What’s worse is that this created a system where all those motive factors were treated like alien impulses trying to take me “out of control”.
And that’s just so damned wrong.
These are the mechanics of why I find it so hard to get motivated to do things. On some primal level, my stupid brain attacks and destroys urges to do things because it’s stuck in “freeze and hide” mode and thinks that impulses will get me “caught”.
The only safety is in stasis!
What a terrible way to live.
More after the break.
Permanent flight or freeze
Otherwise known as “getting stuck in run and hide mode”.
Somehow, I need to deep down into the deepest levels of my psyche and convinced that scared little animal of mine that everything is safe now.
That’s nothing you patient readers haven’t heard before, of course.
But I feel like I have a better understanding of exactly what the stakes are and what the problem is now. Like it’s the same problem but now I see it more clearly than before.
And I know I will be able to bring more mental weight to bear on the problem now. I was talking with Doc Costin today about feeling like I am straining against my confinement and how my growing discontent and restlessness, while unpleasant, will be key in marshalling enough spiritual force to finally break these chains.
They’ll break when I don’t need them any more, I know, annoying jedi master.
Still, I feel like I am straining against myself now. Like my project to push energy deep down into the core of my mind is really picking up steam and I am melting all that frozen feeling inside me at an unprecedented rate.
And occasionally, little shoots of hope and motivation push up through the ice. They don’t last very long but they are there. The future in which I do the things I feel like doing because I feel like doing them seems closer than ever.
It’s just a matter of dismantling this cruel and irrational empire of ice I have been living in so that I can let my feelings flow and change in a natural way instead of keeping everything bound in ice like a stranded freighter deep inside me.
Those times when I manage to let out some tears or some anger have shown me that it is that emotional ebb and flow that brings mental health for me. My feelings have to flow like blood through veins in order for my mind to balance itself and stay “clean”, and if that means that on some obscure level I am “out of control”, so be it.
Better anarchic happiness than inanely ordered misery every single god damn day.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.