Today was a day for gloating like a well fed demon over the burning husk of Dumb Donnie’s stupid White House.
Seriously, I imagine myself rubbing my hands together and capering with glee like some kind of overweight crippled Rumpelstiltskin.
Let the games begin!
It’s odd that at times I am downright saintly in my desire for everyone to get along and understand one another’s humanity and all that good stuff. and yet at the same time I have never had any problem with openly enjoying the misfortunes of evil people.
What can I say. I’m complicated.
And a lot of the facets of my personality don’t really fit together or at least not easily. Hence my difficulty in creating a unified sense of self.
I suppose that most people create said sense of self by unconsciously eliminating sides of themselves that don’t fit whatever narrative emerges during their tumultuous teen years and all that trying on of various identities.
I never went through that because emotionally speaking I was never a teenager. On an emotional level, I am in Grade 7 at best.
Like I have said so many times before, I missed out on a simply ridiculous number of developmental stages, from not having an imaginary friend to not having friends for the first five years of school to never dating in high school or developing an extended group of friends or going to parties to anything else a normal teen (or child) did.
I mean, I didn’t even play with toys. Not stimulating enough.
And the reason I keep coming back to the sheer weirdness of my childhood is that I am trying to wrap my head around how despite all that I did not, in fact, become a serial killer, or the like.
Apparently a lot of the developmental stages we think are vitally necessary to a child’s development are actually kind of optional.
Not that I would recommend skipping any of them to anybody ever. I have no idea how the fuck I got away with it so don’t go thinking you can, too.
I suppose one could see it as a testament to my mental strength and integrity. They kept me nailed together enough to get through 12 years of school and some college despite my bizarre suspended life.
I certainly have no illusions about “catching up”. That’s not how things work. I might be able to cover some of that ground later in my life but that’s not going to erase 30 years of wasted adult life or retroactively give me a better childhood.
I can’t ever get any of that back. There is a bright, happy, well adjusted, and very successful version of me that never got to be, and it is fitting that I mourn that poor fellow so I can let him go and move on.
He’s gone and nothing can ever change that.
Maybe I should hold a funeral or something like that.
I’m never going to “catch up”, but maybe I can make my own unique bespoke version of a happy, well-adjusted future for myself where I work for a living and have nice stuff.
Because sometimes it just feels like…
But more than the money I want the dignity of work. I want the self-esteem that comes from knowing you are a contributing member of society and not just a drain on it. I want to have enough money to not feel like a burden on others because instead of them having to look after me, I can pay people to do it instead.
Not that I think my roomies hate looking after me or anything.
It’s a “me” thing.
I want to have basic dignity and self-respect and no amount of telling me that I should already have them because I’m perfectly fine as I am is going to change that.
I have to become a grownup somehow.
Or I will never be able to forgive myself for living.
More after the break.
I am a dumbass
Tonight, I was delighted to realize, after crunching the numbers, that I did, in fact, have enough money to order in tonight.
Yay for that.
I was so delighted, in fact, that I completely forgot that our buzzer isn’t working, ergo when the food arrived, I would not be able to let it in.
Which means it is currently sitting outside our building, presumably quite cold by now.
Because I am a dumbass.
Joe and Julian will pick it up for me when they come home. Then directly into the fridge it will go to probably sit there until Monday night because it’s too big a meal to have on a Sunday when I will be going to Denny’s for dinner.
Luckily, it’s just plain lamb curry plus an order of rice so there’s nothing in it that I have to worry about going bad before J&J get home.
Meanwhile, I am eating a PB&J instead of delicious curry because I was too bummed out to make anything else for myself.
Oh well. Whatever. It will all work out fine eventually and it was not all that dumb for me to forget that the god damned buzzer wasn’t working.
Man, I do not update my brain with new information all that easily, do I?
I was excited to be ordering in and my brain just reset to the default (buzzer works) and I did not realize my error until it was too late to cancel my order.
Ah well. I’m good at a lot of things but reality ain’t one of them.
No wonder I prefer to live online and in video games.
Of course, if I didn’t live my life that way and instead had a normal life, I would probably have had to get a lot better at dealing with the real world.
Instead, I am this strange half-formed otherworldly creature who exists primarily in the world of his computer and who can’t really handle the real world at all.
Oh well. At least I’m making progress getting back on to UpWork.
Freelance dollars ho!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.