I feel like I didn’t say everything I meant to say in this video.
But that’s normal for us neurotic writer types.
We always have far more to say than we can say, and in a way, that is what keeps us communicating in the first place.
It may not ever get everything out at once, but it still helps a lot.
Anyhow, here’s the vid :
Just tryin’ to work through my emotions and maybe even feel a little bit clearer and cleaner and lighter as a result.
I keep feeling a larger former of catharsis looming in the gloomy depths of my turbulent soul. It lurks there, like a shark seen only as a shadow beneath the waves, and I keep trying to turn to get a good look at it but it darts away.
Perhaps I need to clear out more of the smaller emotions first.
Or maybe deep down I am still too scared to “go there”. I’ve been doing what I can to lean in to my pain and stay with unpleasant emotions long enough to hear what they are trying to tell me and so forth and so on, but it’s all so slow.
I still long for some kind of massive transformational force that could shove my shallow reason and perverted superego aside in order to change me in all the ways I need to change in order to heal and make me into a brand new version of myself, without all that bullshit baggage from all these years of being inert.
Unfortunately, the thing most likely to do that for me would be some kind of massively horrible medical condition. The kind that drags me into a world of pain and horror and humiliation and disgusting bodily realities that makes my life as I am living it now seem like a golden paradise by comparison.
I hope it doesn’t have to come to that. But it might.
I can’t imagine what other sort of force could enter my life like that. Religion isn’t really an option and it’s not like I play the lottery or have any other way for good fortune to hand me an opportunity.
I am going to make another attempt at connecting with UpWork. Clearly my incredibly frustrating first attempt was unsuccessful so I am going to contact them to see if there is some more reliable way to clear the identity hurdle.
Because I still don’t know what “reduce angle” means.
I want to make UpWork work (up) because, like I said, I know and trust them. And the alternative would be to enter the absurd world of “work from home” scams and swindles where I have to figure out which might legit result in real actual spendable money and which are just human garbage victimizing the most vulnerable.
Because it’s not like the well to do of the upper middle class are falling for these scams. It’s disposable losers like me (but dumber) getting conned.
Number one rule : if they ask YOU for money, run. Close that tab and never look back. Because ask yourself, if they can get schmucks like you to give them money up front, what is their incentive to do anything to make YOU a success?
So clearly I am not exactly their ideal mark. I am cynical, suspicious, perceptive, and most importantly just really god damned smart.
I see through these people.
But I still don’t want to deal with all that bullshit.
But I need something meaningful and productive to do with my time and I can’t seem to provide that for myself so I need a job.
The money is not the most important thing. It’s having something worth something to do. My creative output is a great outlet but it doesn’t have enough of an audience for me to feel like doing it counts as productive.
I cherish every follower on BlueSky and subscriber on YouTube, but until I manage to gain a bit more traction, it can’t really scratch that productivity itch.
Surely someone out there needs my outrageous talents.
More after the break.
The usual kind of job
I don’t really stand a chance in traditional employment, even the online kind.
Because my resume is pathetic and I have no qualifications for anything. All I have is a random smattering of university courses and my… let’s call it “certificate” from VFS.
So the traditional route to employment is absolutely not my friend. Who wants to hire some 52 year old loser with no employment history in this millennium and absolutely no job skills outside a fairly narrow field.
And even my VFS “certificate” is getting old and moldy and worthless. It’s from six years ago, and any sane employer would be thinking, “And nothing since then?”
That’s why a place like UpWork means so much to folks like me. I can write up a proposal where I really sell my abilities and submit that and things like resumes and certifications need never enter into it.
I know that there’s all kinds of things I can do. It’s convincing someone to take a chance on hiring me to do it that is the tricky bit.
I should also hook back up with the March of Dimes people through whom I was taking that network administrator course.
I crashed out on that. But whatever. That doesn’t mean I failed forever. Sure, mental illness ate my progress – typical – but they have other courses and plenty of different ways for people like me to enter the magical realm of actual employment.
Like a lot of things, it merely waits for the next time the breezes inside me are blowing in the right direction to fill my sails and propel me forward.
I wish that wasn’t such a dicey proposition. I wish that I could regularly be a go getter full of enthusiasm and ambition who takes on that big ol world every single day.
But instead, all I can do is pray for blue skies in winter.
I’m working on it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.