Oh no, not again!
Ha ha ha.
I sang a song. A capella, as has become my custom, as I am apparently incapable of singing properly while a karaoke track is playing in my ears.
Here it is :
I have thought about adding the karaoke track after the fact. That would solve the problem of my rather barebones vocals just sitting there all by themselves.
I might even sound like a real musician! Imagine.
But so far, I have not gone through with that idea because I am not sure I am up to the potential technical challenges of syncing the karaoke track with my vocals.
I mean, I’m pretty sure my musical sense is good enough that my vocals would be the right tempo and key, but I know how incredibly fussy I can be about timing so that if there’s even the slightest discrepancy I will notice and it will bug me and I might not know enough to fix it.
Or maybe I’m just too lazy to bother. I dunno.
What I’m really getting at is that I feel guilty about today’s video and its lack of production value. When I have done that kind of video before, I have put the lyrics over a black background on the screen to give people something to look at besides me.
But this time, I decided to let it all rest on my vocal performance and stage presence and see how I felt about that.
Not good, as it turns out.
So, lesson learned. Next time I sing, I will go back to the usual lyrics on screen format, or come up with some other way to add visual value to the vid.
I mean, I have standards.
When I remember them.
I’m working on it.
Today’s been pretty decent so far. Pondering what I want to order for dinner tonight.
Originally I was gonna get pizza, because the whole of the CHAC smelled faintly but distinctly of pizza yesterday when I was at Wound Care.
Not sure what kind but it definitely had green peppers.
But now I am not so sure. I might get Donair Dude or maybe Chipotle instead, and have them put green peppers on that.
Or not. Whatever. The wheel is still spinning, all possibilities are in play. I live in the heart of downtown Richmond so I am surrounded by possibilities.
Been playing a lot of Darkest Dungeon. I think I am past the major learning curve now. I had to start over a number of times because I ran out of money and that’s pretty much game over at that point.
Wish I had known I could sell off excess Trinkets back then. Oh well.
And in the larger sense, I have been brooding over what I do with my time and my life and whether I could be getting a hell of a lot more out of my time on Earth if I could just break the hypnotic spell of routine that I’ve been under for so long.
So I am still a wizard way up in his lonely tower as of yet, but I am looking down at the real world down below and wondering what I might find out there if I tried.
I know that this life and this routine of mine is killing me. But knowing that is not enough. I still don’t feel like I have the will and the focus and the drive to break free.
After all, I’ve lived like this for 30 years. It’s all I know. My entire adult life has been video games and the internet and spinning my fucking wheels and the idea of departing from that to theoretically greener pastures is terrifying to me.
It’s like stepping into outer space.
But maybe I am making too much of the whole thing. Maybe I should think of it more as quietly sneaking out the back door to poke around the base of my tower a bit before going right back into hiding.
Kind of like a mouse coming out at night.
I, too, am a timid and easily spooked critter.
But I’m working on that.
More after the break.
A long dark trip through Hell
Sorry if that comes across as a tad melodramatic.
But that’s what I feel I need in order to become free. I need a long trip through the fires of Hell in order to burn away all broken flesh and diseased skin still clinging to my soul so that I might come away clean and fresh and new.
Once again I note how I have totally switched to fire imagery lately.
I choose to view this as a sign of progress.
And that makes sense, because fire is what I need right now. I need fire. Passion. Desire. Ambition. The id. The living, breathing life force within all living beings.
It’s the lack thereof that has left me so cold inside. The airy world of the mind can do a lot of amazing things but it is the light that gives no heat. A balanced mind and personality requires cozying up to the fire inside and let its heat melt all that god damned ice inside that somehow convinced you it was a part of you.
But it’s not.
And it can all melt like candle wax and run down the drain and no part of me will be lost.
Instead, I will regain myself. After sloughing off all that dead tissue, my true self can emerge into the sunlight and breathe free.
My internal springtime is, admittedly, running a tad behind schedule. But it’s coming. I am thawing out and waking up and learning to actually function, and I am turning the heat up a little more every day until the light shines through.
Or maybe until my light shines out.
Because remember, you can’t let yourself out without letting the world in.
Make your choice.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.