First, of course, my vid.

I did the lyrics on screen thing this time, and it was an annoying amount of work just to add some fairly meh visual interest to the video.

I think next time I do either a song I wrote or one I sang, I will take the plunge and try to make or find images to go with the lyrics instead.

I mean, yeah, that’s going to be a lot of work too, but at least it will give people interesting things to look at.

And using my AI image generation skills for something a tad more presentable than deviant smut would be quite interesting, though I would have to be sure I didn’t get too sucked in to the process.

It can be quite engrossing.

The real issue is my current inability to work on long term projects. This daily routine of mine certainly keeps me going and makes me at least marginally productive, but it severely limits the scope of what I can achieve and that is starting to bug me.

The REALLY real issue is carving out time to work on stuff outside my usual “working hours” and thus sacrificing more of my precious, precious “gaming time” to do so.

Big frigging deal. Being creative is more fun anyway.

Repeat until believed.

I mean, I know it to be true, but knowing and believing are two very different things.

Knowledge is data. Belief is an emotion. You can know a hell of a lot of things without feeling them at all.

Take it from one who knows.

For example, I have known for my entire life that I am extraordinary. Learned to read at the age of three, never had to study, etc.

But I never felt extraordinary. I just felt weird. Alienated from others.

Not really human, really.

I can very easily understand why some people embrace outlier ideas about them “really” being their fursonas or werewolves or angels or aliens or elves from Avatar or whatever else in the world of media resonates with them in a way that normal mainstream culture never did.

Because alienation hurts, folks. It hurts like hell. And these “other” identities provide a much more satisfying and supportive answer to the question of why you can’t connect with your fellow human beings than the real answer.

Which is that you’re just kinda… broken.

For some reason, society and you did not connect on a very important level and you found yourself feeling like an alien in your own culture and wondering what the hell is wrong with you that makes it so that what works for others doesn’t work for you.

I can point to reasons why I’m broken from my past. Raped as a toddler, no kindergarten, so far ahead of my peers I couldn’t relate to them, and so on.

But regardless of the reason, there was not a place in society for me that I could see and without a place in society you cannot connect with the rest of humanity and thus the humanity inside yourself.

So much of what and who we are is defined and developed by interacting with others that a socially isolated childhood does enormous harm to a developing child.

And the cold cruel truth is that developmental windows do not come back. The harm from my socially isolated childhood will be with me till the day I die.

Like a disability, I can learn to live with it and to a certain extent compensate for it, but it’s still not the same as being normal.

And so I grew up in a very cold and isolated world of my own and could only look in at the warm and vital world the rest of humanity seemed to live in without having any idea of how lucky they were to feel alive like that.

I worry that my current isolation can never truly be breached. I mean, here I am with perfectly lovely friends who love and care about me and yet I feel alone a lot of the time.

Even as I sit here, I feel like I am a million miles away from everybody else and I am so very dead and cold and numb inside that it’s like I am not even part of the human race.

I don’t feel human.

Even though I know I am.

More after the break.

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The sunrise of the soul

That’s what I am trying to pull off as I strain against the ice that holds me down and keeps me from becoming who I am truly meant to be.

And it ain’t this sad little form of mine, I can tell ya that.

I will be so much more.

But right now, I’m still in the egg, waiting to be born. I need to come out of my shell and that means finally facing the world instead of living my entire life with my back turned to reality as I stubbornly remain fixated on my screens.

Screens are not and can never be enough.

But they can feel like enough. Sitting here with all this information and entertainment and interaction at my fingertips did a very good impression of non-isolation in my life for way too long a time.

Thinking about my future, where my life was going, what I wanted to be doing with myself, and so forth and so on was depressing and scary so I didn’t do it.

It is, rather pathetically, that simple. A very easy formula for wasting your entire adult life being buried in video games and the internet so that you never have to face the depressing and terrible reality of your life.

Which is only so depressing and terrible because of your lack of dealing with it, of course. Funny how it works like that.

Obviously the only solution is to wade into the much and deal with things.

But I don’t feel like I can do that alone and I don’t have anyone to do it with.

I’m coming to realize that a lot of my problems in life stem from the limitations of always doing everything alone.

But I don’t know how to work with others. The ship may have sailed on that for me. I might be stuck doing everything myself because my social abortion of a childhood made me too impatient and hostile and suspicious of others to work any other way.

There are worse fates. At least I can do fairly amazing things by myself. That helps.

But I worry that it’s impossible for anyone to truly get close to me.

Because nobody ever has. That’s both my doing and theirs.

A deep animal part of me can only see other people as a threat.

And I hate that.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.