This vid is weird even for me, and I am very proud of that.
I decided that today I would try to write open ended “mystic” poetry where I tried to express something inside of me without worrying about whether it was easy for anybody to understand or not.
And just for fun, I would then slap than into Riffusion and see what came out.
And as poetry, I think it came out okay for a first try. I will no doubt try again in the future. Maintaining the proper frame of mind was difficult but rewarding.
It was actually kinda fun.
Anyhow, here’s what ultimate resulting from all this mishigas :
I’m proud of myself for being able to at least partially give up worrying about whether I would be understood in order to draw directly from that deep mysterious part of me which I have always feared before because of the powerful emotions it stirred in me that I did not understand and that did not make sense.
So my overly rational self feared it but also, in a sense, obeyed it simply because the emotions involved were so strong.
Luckily, the emotions only ever made me want to go look at the moon or put me in a weird spooky mood, as opposed to telling me to kill.
But I am a lot less scared of that part of me than I used to be. I still wonder, in passing, if I would have been better off with some kind of religious indoctrination so I would at least have some sort of framework for understanding things like that, but eh, that probably would have come with more baggage than it was worth.
And it’s good to know, at this stage of my auto-resurrection, that there truly is a realm beyond my ego and superego that operates without any need for logical contiguity or linear narrative at all and that if I learn to use it properly, it might just become a source for the counterbalancing force for all that “reason” that has been inanely dominating my mind all by itself for far too long.
That was one hell of a sentence.
I certainly need some way of reminding myself, as often as is feasible, that there is this whole world of emotion and connection and intuition and understanding outside of the bright cold light of my powers of reason and that this other realm is not only real but vitally necessary for my mental health.
It is, in a very deep spiritual sense, the realm of the unknown. Not only in the usual vernacular sense but in the sense of being beyond knowledge and understanding. It is a realm where things fit together emotionally, not logically, and that can be very scary for a brainiac like me but like I keep saying, not everybody has an intellect but everyone has emotions and all those people out there who do not have my sort of logical faculties must be getting through life somehow and this realm must be it.
As impossible as it seems to one such as me, their intuition and “gut feelings”, with only weak input from their reasoning faculties, must be enough for survival.
They muddle through life, from my point of view, and it works out fine for them. They grow up, gets jobs, have families, become known in their community, and in all senses function as a normal healthy human being for their whole lives.
All based on educated intuition.
Boggles the mind.
But I am desperate to learn more about it.
More after the break.
The rest of the story
First, a coda to last night’s tale of woe :
So as patient readers know, last night I ordered in and that was dumb because I had forgotten that the buzzer I use to let people into the building was broken.
So last night, when my phone rang, I told the driver I was letting him in, and I press six, and he immediately messaged me (through DoorDash) that it hadn’t worked, so I told him to try again but if it still didn’t work to just leave the food outside the building.
Phone rang again, I pressed the button again, then hung up, depressed.
Well either it worked the second time or someone let him into the building as they came in or out (naughty, not supposed to do that) because when Joe and Julian came home, my food was NOT outside the building but outside our apartment door.
So I could have had my delicious Indian meal last night, exactly as planned, if I had only known the damned food was right where I could get at it.
Admittedly the hike to and from the apartment door is a bit of a strain for me but I have done it plenty of times without a problem.
So that was the perfect capper to this comedy of dumbassery. The food was there but this fact had not been conveyed to be so I didn’t know.
True, when I didn’t get a message from my driver the second time, I could have deduced that this time he had gotten in, but hindsight etc.
Oh well. No big deal. No harm done to anything but my poor nerves, and they will recover with time.
Some day we’ll look back on this and laugh.
And laugh and laugh and laugh in increasingly high a pitch until the nice young men in the clean white coats come to cart us away.
More importantly, I think I am increasingly making peace with the fact that I am high strung, emotional, reactive kind of dude who does things like get all bent out of shape because of a food delivery mishap and that it’s totally fine to be that way.
It’s certainly a hell of a lot better than creating a state of eerie inner calm by brutally quashing all strong emotions in order to make living a worthless life more comfortable.
Yeah fuck that. I will pay for the highs with the lows if that is what it takes to get myself out of these fucking flatlands so I can go somewhere where the wind doesn’t blow through me all the time and there is a reason way this day is not like every other.
I want my life to have real content to it.
I want to feel things.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.