Yup. We are back to angst.

But less than usual. I have been feeling better lately and I think it is due to my new outlook on life. I am busily banishing negative thoughts, self-loathing, constant self-judgment, and all ambitions, plans, and goals besides this blog.

This is all in the service of my getting in touch with my pure, clean primal self. The person that existed before I was ever molested and bullied, the person who has been a part of me all along under all that ice and pain inside me. The real me. strong and clean and shining brighter than the sun.

My depression is not a part of me. It’s something that happened to me. And I will still be the same person if it is gone. Just a much happier and healthier version of myself.

And as I type these things, I can feel the old system protesting. The voices that say no, stay safe, stay out of the way, exposure equals danger are still there, for now at least. They are weak now, but they still have some power.

I am determined to sweep them out of my mind. To expand this new healthier self until the old bad programming is pushed out of my mind, and I am willing to take a mighty axe to whatever stands in my way.

I have even started saying to myself, “You know, the world is a pretty great place.”, or similar. The first time I did it, my inner voice shook like the legs of a newborn deer. It felt impossibly bold and wrong to say such a thing, as though by saying it I would be tempted to universe to prove me wrong.

Like I have said before, even staunch materialists like myself have superstitions.

And I can follow the chain of emotional reasoning back to its source now. If I think of the world as a good place, that will lead directly to lowering my defenses and relaxing my guard, and of course the very moment I do that, disaster will strike.

It sounds ludicrous when put like that. The universe, not being a person, cannot be waiting for me to let down my guard. No force in the universe knows or cares whether my guard is up or not. Objectively speaking, I have been guarding myself for a threat that disappeared twenty years ago, and these are not cheap defenses. They lead to constant fear, social isolation, a highly limited lifestyle, and all the other products of terrible depression.

The Wall must come down free the people can be free.

Speaking of The Wall, I have become far more aware of my own and how I use it than ever before. I can feel it now, and I am conscious of what I am doing with it. Before now, it has been a reflex, and an overused one at that. But now I have a strong emotional connection to it, and can control (to a certain extent) when it goes up or comes down.

And when I open myself up, I feel good. It is very important that I no longer feel that it is never safe to be truly open with people. I can let them in and it will be just fine. Exposure is not disaster.

And speaking of letting in, that is another big part of my new outlook on life. I want to let more things in. I have realized just how closed off I have been and how much that has suffocated me, and I am determined to stop it. I am slowly prying open that closed gate of mine, and becoming more open to others and to life in general.

The healing is not locked in here with me in my dreadful little keep. It’s out there, in the world, and I will not get anywhere unless I accept that happiness is something you find, not something you are or something you make yourself.

Even if it is just being more open to the unexpected (including my own creativity), I want to open the windows of my soul to let the sunshine and clean air in, and sweep out all the dust and detritus that has accumulated over the years.

And yes, the light will hurt my eyes… at first. But I will adjust, and I will greet with great joy the richer, more vibrant, more affirmative life that I can now see.

Another plank of my recovery is refraining from self-judgment. I am smashing the old thoughts with a hammer on a daily basis. So what if I lay in bed and played video games all afternoon? It is my life, and I live it as I please, and to hell with the ever expanding menu of life options that has kept me crippled all these years.

I will do whatever suits me with the resources, both inner and outer, that I have on hand. There are no wrong answers on this test. As long as I remain true to myself and my own desires, I am doing the right thing. Option paralysis is boring. Spin the wheel of options at random if you have to, but spin it, and to hell with whether it is the “right” thing to do.

It is what made sense at the time. That is the best any of us can do. The ability of our minds to create a list of options for us to choose from is amazing and highly valuable, but the idea is to choose something then do it, not look at the long long list of actions, get overwhelmed, and end up doing nothing.

What I do, or do not do, is really only important to me. I don’t owe the world anything, I am not going to beat myself up for not living of to my potential any more (It’s my potential and I will do what I want with it) and if I live the rest of my days as I am living them now, that is just fine.

I want more than that. But I will not use that as a cudgel against myself any more.

I am me, the only me, and I want to enjoy my life.

And that is all that really matters.