Daily Archives: August 17, 2014

On being Canadian

Posted on by
1

Got this very funny list of uniquely Canadian problems off Facebook and I thought it would make a nice change from my usual angst to post some of my reactions to it.

4. When I Travel Abroad, Locals Think I’m American.

I can top that, because I have lived abroad. Technically. I’ve lived in the USA for a cumulative total of around three years, and so I got presumed to be a citizen of the USA a lot. After all, to an American, the differences are very subtle, and Americans just do not do subtle. They do loud.

Of course, to a Canadian, the differences are anything but subtle. To a Canadian, every American comes across like a crazy ranting homeless person wearing a neon green jumpsuit.

But then again, the mouse in bed with the elephant always knows a lot more about the elephant than vice versa.

7. Uses Canadian Spelling… Gets Corrected By U.S. Spell-Checker.

So very THIS. I am constantly adding more Canadian spellings to the Windows default dictionary. I used to think that eventually I would have entered them all and it would stop being a problem. But somehow, there is always more.

And personally, I think the way we spell things like colour is perfectly representative of the rounder vowels we use when pronouncing them. So I stubbornly insist on correcting the computer rather than just using the American spellings.

Of course, the American spellings are still technically correct in Canada.

Why? Because we’re a nation of compromise.

But I will defend our textual sovereignty to the bitter end!

10. Shipping with the US: free. Shipping internationally: 3 BILLION DOLLARS.

Ayup. I learned to accept things like that when I was a kid, because before the Fixed Link, everything became mysteriously more expensive when it crossed the Northumberland Strait on its way to Prince Edward Island.

Same for things you ordered from Away[1]. First you had to convince them Prince Edward Island exists and they should look up shipping charges for it. Then you found out they added another three bucks just for PEI, presumably for the ferry.

So the fact that crossing the border somehow makes things cost more makes perfect sense to me, or at least, as much sense as anything else.

12. Just Got Netflix… U.S. Selection Is WAY Better.

Oh gods, yes. I have had Netflix for years now, but when I first got it, that was a harsh surprise indeed. I have learned to just filter out what Americans say about what they watched on Netflix recently. Odds are, if it’s something big like a hit TV series or a big budget Hollywood movie, Canadian Netflix either will never have it or will get it a year and a half later than its American counterpart.

There are IP masking services out there specifically designed to allow Canadians to watch American Netflix. I have considered it. But somehow, that seems wrong to me.

I am a proud Canadian, and I refuse to let even my computer pretend to be American, regardless of the potential benefit.

15. Wearing heavy-duty winter boots to school and looking like a hoser all day.

Oh gods yes. I did this for years. One year I even got heavy duty work boots because… because I’m an idiot, apparently. So those not only looked incongruously and hilariously working class on my fat middle class self, they bit into the backs of my ankles because I didn’t know you had to wear heavy socks with them, and they made a lot of noise on the concrete floors of my high school.

Then one day, I saw someone change out of their winter boots and into a pair of sneakers they kept in their locker, and I was like… duh!

24. Fahrenheit is a confusing and impenetrable mystery.

Totally. I lived in the USA for many years without really getting a grip on it, other than a vague sense that anything over 80 is “hot” and anything over 100 was “holy shit it’s fucking hot. ”

Come to think of it, both places I lived in the US, namely Portland, Oregon and Silicon Valley, were places without what I would call “real winter”. So I never learned the other end of the scale.

25. Need to fake an American zip code because there isn’t a postal code box.

Totally been there. I always use 90210. I figure, the worst thing that can happen is that some stupid badly programmed US website thinks I live in Beverly Hills.

If I need an entire American address, I use 1313 Buena Vista Avenue, Anaheim, California, which is the address for Disneyland.

Hey, who wouldn’t want to live in the happiest place on Earth?

26. “And remember class, it must be by a Canadian.”

Never encountered this one, but if I did, I would have not one but two aces up my sleeve in order to avoid all the depressing shit associated with what the Powers That Be consider Canadian literature. [2]

One ace : Theodore Sturgeon. Wrote great science fiction, totally Canadian. And he was fairly prolific, so you could use him more than once.

But if your teacher is a cretin who simply will not accept science fiction as a legitimate form of fiction (probably because they are afraid it will require them to know some science), you can always go for Stephen Leacock, who, against all the traditions of Canadian literary humour, is actually funny.

And finally, this one :

27. The air hurts my face. Why am I living where the air hurts my face.

I can’t say I ever asked myself why I live where the air can get so cold that just walking out your front door can make you feel like someone hit you in the face with a brick made of ice, but I have wondered why any of us naked beach apes do.

Then again, other places have shit like hurricanes and tornadoes, and people still live there, so apparently we naked beach apes are a stubborn bunch.

That’s all from me for today, folks. I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Oh, and there’s no video link in this blog entry because I haven’t made one yet.

[[2]] I will never forgive them for making me read More Joy In Heaven. NEVER.

Footnotes    (↵ returns to text)

  1. In Prince Edward Island terms, Away means “everywhere that is not Prince Edward Island”. So basically, the entire world.↵
  2. ↵

About the new place

Posted on by
Reply

First, the video portion of this blog entry :

I love the screenshot YouTube picked to represent that video. I look like I am rolling my eyes in outrageous disdain.

I picture myself saying “Oh please. As if. ” in a really snotty way.

Anyhow, as the big vid says, we checked the place out last night. I like the place. It makes me feel more modern and hip to imagine living there in this neat apartment in the middle of the heart of Richmond.

It’s a little smaller than our current digs, I think. I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to judge these things. For one thing, our current apartment is fairly rectangular and the new place is pretty square. So it’s hard to guesstimate the difference. I think it amounts to roughly the same amount of space.

The kitchen is fairly compact. I rather like that, to be honest. Normally I like lots of room everywhere if I can get it, but with kitchens, I want to be able to reach everything from a single home position.

I see these huge kitchens in fancy houses on TV, and all I can think of is how many miles you would walk trying to cook anything.

One thing I definitely like is that it has a double sink with a built in hose. That will make whatever dish washing we do by hand so much more efficient. Being able to have a wash sink and a rinse sink makes the dishes so much cleaner because there is no chance of any leftover soapy residue.

And it has two full bathrooms, which, as I explain in the video, is kind of necessary. I don’t blame people for not wanting to use my bathroom because, well, I never clean the damned thing.

That is unacceptably irresponsible of me, I know. I guess I figure if I am the only one who suffers, who cares? But even here, sometimes there is multi-person bathroom demand and having a second bathroom acceptable to others would be real handy.

So I resolve to break myself of this slothful nonsense and learn to keep my bathroom clean. Maybe get in the habit of cleaning it once a week. Probably on Saturday because it’s my quietest day of the week.

It’s not like it is hard. You just Windex and wipe all the surfaces, and take the toilet brush and some toilet product to the toilet.

So I have no excuses. Once a week, clean the damned thing.

In general, I am going to try to keep things more organized. As in, giving them any degree of organization whatsoever. I have been living au natural in a “let the chips fall where they may” way for a long long time now.

And frankly, it’s beginning to depress me. And I am slowly working my way up to the energy level required to make it a policy to change all things which make me sad into things that makes me happy.

My current policy is when looking at something makes me sad, I make a mental note to avoid looking at it in the future. This is easy for me as I pay very little attention to physical reality anyhow.

But it occurs to me that it would be a lot easier on my brain in the long run if I invested the energy to change the thing and thus leave more of my brain space and perceptual matrix free to actually like…. engage with reality.

Might help make the world seem a tad more real to me. Just a thought.

What else… I know it must seem nuts for me to be so excited about the garbage chute. Truth me told, I am not exactly sure why it delights me so much either. I suspect that there is some Freudian stuff going on in the sub-basements of my mind.

After all, what is a garbage chute but an apartment building’s poop chute?

I just know that when we first move in properly, I am going to be using that thing ten times a day. Anything not recyclable will go right down the chute. No need to keep garbage around for long at ALL.

Oh, and we saw the in-suite washer and dryer. Glee! No more having to pay Julian to do my laundry because I get dizzy going down stairs and I need a hand free in order to steady myself.

Now, I can do my own laundry in the comfort of my own apartment. Heck, I could even do my laundry naked if I felt like it.

Don’t laugh. It’s the only way to get all your clothes clean at the same time!

At first I thought I would end up doing laundry every day, but that is silly. Every washing take a little bit of life from the lifespan of a piece of clothing. Washing them all the time would just make them wear out faster.

I may end up washing my sheet and pillowcase every day though. I very much love the feeling of slipping between clean sheets, especially if I have just showered.

Clean body into clean sheets is awesome.

I brought one box of books with me when we went over. I carried it fairly easily. It went a lot better than I expected, actually. The strain on my body was perfectly acceptable, and carrying the box down the stairs was not the nightmare of dizziness and potential death I thought it would be.

Turns out, with sufficient motivation, I can carry a fairly heavy box in one hand for the duration of a flight of stairs.

So I am no longer as worried that I will end up being a nonparticipant in the move. It would hurt me a lot to not be able to do at least the majority of a share of the labour. Having to rely on others really saps my self-worth.

I hate being a burden so goddamned much.

That’s all from me for tonight. I will talk to you nice people later.