I grow increasingly annoyed with myself re : my procrastination.

I keep leaving everything to the last moment, even though I know that’s stupid. For example, I have had a week to do my Linguistics homework, and I only did it right before I sat down here to blog.

I told my fingers to type “blog” at the end of that sentence. First time through, they typed “play”. I am thinking I am having inner childcare issues.

I guess it could be said that I didn’t have a childhood, in that I didn’t have friends. I had a lot of independence, and there were certainly things I did for fun, and had fun doing.

But I get the feeling the real joys of childhood passed me by, and now my inner child wants to have fun fun fun without really having a clear idea of what that would even mean.

But if I had to guess, I would say it probably involves either other human beings and/or a lot more money.

When I think about what I really want right now, the first word that comes to mind is security. I want that carefree safe feeling that comes from a less restrictive, more secure life, and that means more money. My poverty makes me feel very vulnerable and cut off from the happy warm world of those with a better income, and I want to feel a lot more connected and included and, dare I say, grown up.

The desire to feel grown up might be one of the most childish desires of all. But it’s how I feel. I feel like I have completely failed to grow up and now I want to feel legitimate and worthy, instead of foolish and worthless. I desperately want to be able to afford nice clothing that fits well and good meals at decent restaurants and most of all, to be able to deal with people my age with my head held high.

Instead, I tend to feel the crippling shame that comes with my particular brand of failure to thrive. Compared to them I have done absolutely nothing with my life and I therefore have a status less than zero.

And knowing that I have been very sick for a very long time and it’s not my fault helps, but that only goes so far. A lot of time has passed me by, decades that I can’t ever get back, and the result is a deep feeling of inadequacy and a desperate desire to make up for lost time.

But I don’t have the resources to do that. Poverty really cripples a person that way. I can want advancement and legitimacy all I want, but until I at least have an Associate’s degree, I don’t have a way of acquiring it. I can tell employers how exceptional I am, but I have no way to prove it.

Plus there is the whole deal with my mental health. I can fool myself sometimes into thinking my social anxiety isn’t a problem any more, but it totally is. The terror I feel at the coming group work in my Introduction to Ethics class is proof enough of that.

My social and interpersonal issues run very deep. It’s hard to feel included when your strongest instinct is to eschew inclusion in favour of autonomy. As much as one part of me wants to be looking out from the inside for a change, another part sees that as a trap and prefers to be alone in the darkness outside, looking in and observing without ever becoming part of anything.

It’s that scared little animal in me, telling me that I am only safe if I have complete freedom of movement. It’s like I am a half-feral cat, willing to come inside for food as long as you leave the door open, but the moment you even look like you might be thinking about closing that door, I am out like a streak and it will be days before you see me again.

Better darkness and cold than being trapped, no matter how tempting the bait.

And it is going to take a long long time to domesticate myself. And it’s something I will have to do myself, as I am far too skittish for anyone else to do it for me.

I suppose it’s possible that the right person could make me feel safe enough for me to relax and stop looking for the exits in every situation.

But I can hardly wait for such a person to come along, now, can I?

And I know that means I should be pushing my own limits, but I feel so tired so much of the time. And stressed, in a way. So it’s hard to imagine pushing myself even further. It feels like that would be a nightmare and I would just end up feeling crazier as a result.

And I really don’t need to feel any crazier. One of the great things about going back to school is that it makes me feel sane and competent when I am there. School is good. School is something I can do. I didn’t have to do a job interview to get to school. I didn’t have to worry about rejection.

Rejection hits me hard. That comes from having a toxic childhood, according to an article I read recently. I can dig it. I did get rejected by my parents repeatedly as a child.

Most passively. Occasionally actively. I certainly didn’t feel like I was important to them at all.

In fact, I didn’t even feel welcome.

So yeah. I got a whole lot of crazy left inside me and birthing it to let it go will take a long long time, far too long for my impatient inner child who just wants to play and have fun.

But at least I am more awake and alive now than I have been in a long long time, and while that is not always pleasant, it is always good.

I’m getting there.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Just watched most of the premiere episode of the new Fox series Lucifer, and I thought it was very good.

The basic idea is that Lucifer (yes, that one) has gotten bored in Hell and has come to Earth and is keen on punishing the wicked before they die. ^[1]. He hooks up with a detective in the LAPD who nobody wants to work with because she stuck her neck way, way out on a case and it backfired. Also, she was in a fictional movie called Hot Tub High School (damn I love that name) in which she was extremely nude, and this fact continues to plague her life.

And the actor, Tom Ellis, who plays Lucifer Morningstar (how redundant) is magnificent as Satan on Earth. He is devilishly good looking and charming and self-confident and his British accent really helps sell it. He is so smooth and sure of himself that you can really believe he is the Great Tempter himself.

Also, so far, his powers are well defined and limited. He’s immortal, because duh. That also means he can’t be hurt. He has the ability to draw out people’s deepest desires, so people tend to tell him their deepest darkest secrets. And most women go absolutely soggy-knickers for him from the first time they see him, which has great comedic potential.

They define that power as “being irresistible to the opposite sex”, but I hope that sooner or later they give a nod to the fact that it wouldn’t always be the opposite sex who was attracted to him.

And I would be pretty disappointed if they made Satan heterosexual.

Plus, I think he can read people’s souls and examine their entire life.

All of those are very interesting and yet limited powers. None of them are plotfuckers^[2] and yet they are all very powerful and very interesting. Lucifer is nowhere near omniscient, so he needs the detective to help him solve cases and punish the guilty. He can’t fly or teleport or anything like that. In fact, none of his powers even require special effects, which I am sure must have helped sell the pilot.

And the woman playing Detective Chloe Dancer, Lauren German, has more than enough screen presence to counter Tom Ellis’ scene-stealing Satan. She really seems like she can hold her own against him.

And of course, she is mysteriously immune to his Satanic charms. Which intrigues him.

Add in the fact that I love anything dealing with Heaven and/or hell (or demons or angels or whatever) and the show pretty much has me.

None of it would work if the writing didn’t work, of course. And the writing is superb. I understand that the show is based on a series of graphic novels (isn’t everything today?) and I hope the great writing comes straight from the comic.

It’s a great premise because it uses the fact that evil is always cooler than good to create a “hero” with all the badass qualities of Satan, but using them for good.

I mean honestly, isn’t punishing the wicked something everyone can enjoy?

There’s also some stuff involving a rival to the throne of Hell telling Lucifer that he is getting too close to the humans and becoming weak and if he keeps it up, the rival will go to war with Lucifer and take over Hell. And the rival is a big tell sexy black dude, which is a major plus in my books.

I mean dayum.

Plus I love the theme of evil being tempted by good. It flips the usual bullshit about temptation on its head and reminds us that there are a lot of benefits to not being evil. It’s not a matter of having to choose between a boring and joyless “good” life or a hedonistic fun “evil” life.

It’s more a matter of what pleasures mean most to you. Myself, I can’t imagine anything rivaling the kind of pleasure I get from making people happy and helping them with their burdens. I am not claiming to be immune to selfish pleasures, and heavens know I could probably be corrupted by the right circumstances.

In fact, twenty years of poverty have made it ridiculously easy. Right now, I would sell out for a nice vacation, to be honest.

But as it stands right now, I want to make people happy more than anything in the world. I want to bring joy into their lives. And not some oversimplified notion of joy, but the kind of deep joy that makes you feel like everything is right with the world and you are truly blessed.

When it comes to what I want to do with my art, my ambition has no limit.

And to me, the pleasures of being evil can’t possibly compare with the pleasures of being good, because being good not only comes with the good feeling of knowing you did something to make the world a better place, but it also boosts your self-worth as a good person and evil can’t compare to that.;

That’s why, when I see those fun stories where Satan offers someone absolutely anything for their soul, I always imagine myself saying “Okay, I want you to make the world twice as happy a place for everyone. ” Or simply, “I want you to put an end to evil forever. ”

They are requests I know Old Scratch can’t fulfill because they would basically put him out of a job, and I would enjoy the look on his face when I reminded him how limited his powers are.

Probably not a smart thing to do, but it would be oh, so much fun.

I guess that’s enough from me for today.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.