The dark mirror of memory

I just finished watching an episode of the British show “Black Mirror” and it was so thought provoking that I thought I would share some of those thoughts with you nice people.

I will try to be brief. The episode takes place in a future where everyone has a “grain”, which is a little chip implant behind your right ear that stores all your memories and lets you review them or delete them whenever you like.

The plot revolves about a man who, after seeing how his wife interacts with a fellow named Jonas at a (godawful) cocktail party becomes consumed with jealousy and suspicion and goes down a fairly typical path of drinking, getting angrier and angrier, and finally confronts Jonas in a drunken rage and makes Jonas delete all the grain memories he has of his wife under threat of violence.

The twist is that it turns out the guy’s suspicions were well founded. Turns out that not only did his wife fuck Jonas back in the days before our protagonist met her, but she fucked him again, in the marital bed our hero sleeps in with his wife, and they didn’t even use a condom, and whoops, turns out Jonas is the real father of their 18 month old baby.

It’s an effective twist because I totally did not see that coming. I thought this was all going to end with him murdering his wife out of the bitter male jealousy that kills a lot of women every year. I had nothing but contempt for this guy up until that point.

But after that, while I don’t share straight people’s rather extreme attitudes towards monogamy, I certainly could understand how our hero might feel a tad betrayed.

That’s no mere cuckolding. That’s cuckooing. [1]

And along the way, the episode touches on some interesting aspects of the technology. There’s a character who had her grain stolen, gouged right out of her head, to presumably be sold to some rich pervert who wanted her sexual memories. In order to get on a plane, the protagonist must have the last 24 hours of his memories scanned to make sure he hasn’t stuck a bomb in his suitcase or whatever. In order to keep his job at a big law firm, the protagonist has to subject his memories to a two year review.

They even mention handling cases where adult children sue their parents over emotional neglect and so on during their childhoods, which presumably they can prove by showing the memories in court.

That is a concept I find equally horrifying (what a fucked up self-devouring way that would be to try to live a life!) and exultantly just (hey guess what? ACCOUNTABILITY!).

But I would not want a grain of my own. Sure, if I had one, I might be less absentminded, but probably not. After all, you still have to remember you have something to remember, and the technology wouldn’t help with that. It’s pretty much just video.

More than that, though, I simply don’t want that much memory at my disposal. I already feel like I remember too much of my past hurts and traumas. That high powered, high def memory of mine keeps them crisp and fresh in Ultra HD in my mind.

With every second of my life at my disposal, I would never be able to get over anything. I have mentioned before how I think high def memory makes it hard to fully process traumatic events because to even tangentially think about them is to bring them back in such vivid detail it’s almost like they are happening again.

I am grateful that in my case, that’s as far as it goes. I have never had a full on flashback and I hope I never do, My sense of reality in the here and now is shaky enough without having memories recur.

So no grain for me, please. That would only make things worse.

I wonder what teaching would be like in such a world. I can only imagine that it would be deeply unrewarding because the students would know they only had to pay a minimal amount of attention in order to have the whole lecture available to them at a moment’s notice. That would not be the same as learning it – any more than having a series of lectures on DVD teaches you. You would have to go through and pay attention and take notes at some point to actually learn it.

That’s the advantage, in science fiction writing, of a technology that merely records the sensory inputs from the person. That’s a big enough kettle of fish to deal with without dealing with the recording of emotions, thoughts, associations, ideas, and so on.

But the fact that these memories are stored in a file-like form that can be access by others in some form (even if it’s just on a screen), brings up the intriguing possibility of truly seeing the world through someone else’s eyes. And ears, and skin, and so on.

And yup, the episode made it clear that this includes sexual feelings too. So right there you have a huge amount of demand built in.

And what about fictional scenarios? If you can load memories that aren’t your own, who says those memories can’t be created artificially so that you can experience doing things that aren’t even physically possible in the real world.

Surf marshmallow clouds over a valley filled with unicorns and manticores. Give a stirring and passionate speech about human rights to assembled heads of state. Punch Cthulhu in the taint. Anything is possible!

And of course, it need not be passive either. It could be fully interactive, like those old CD-ROM games, or even like modern video games.

And all realer than real, baby!

Actually, maybe we’re better off without that, says the guy who spend 10 of the last 24 hours playing video games.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

 

 

Footnotes    (↵ returns to text)

  1. For those of you who do not know, the cuckoo lays its eggs in the nests of other birds, who then do all the work of incubating and hatching the thing, and most of the time even raise it as one of their own until it leaves the nest and finds the other cuckoos. In other words, that bird is a fucking asshole.

Incompetence and me

I ordered pizza tonight. Pizza hut. My usual deal, where you get the Panalicious pizza with two topping, plus 2 of the following four options :  Caesar Salad, Cinnapart, Boneless Chicken Bites, and Breadsticks.

I always get the Cinnapart and the Caesar Salad. The Cinnapart, while messy, is still pretty tasty, and I am always up for a Caesar Salad.

Plus the Boneless Chicken Bites are way, way over-sauced and too greasy for my tastes, and the Breadsticks are snoresville.

Anyhoo, my food shows up and it’s my usual driver, a kindly seeming older German gentleman. I take my stuff and pay.

Only to realize that the rather hot ovoid on fins type container that caught my eye was not, in fact, a novel presentation of my salad, but some else’s enormous order of said Chicken Bites. Not sure what flavour but the sauce is black so I am guessing it’s one of their variations on Buffalo Sauce.

I wonder if they call it Bison Sauce in upstate New York.

Now normally, I would not bother making a fuss. I’d shrug and eat what I got, and email the chain afterward. But there were two extenuating facts :

  1. I don’t like Buffalo Sauce or most BBQ sauce variations, and
  2. Someone, somewhere, was not gonna get their gross Chicken Bites.

It was the second point that compelled me to do something about it.

So I call my local Pizza Hut, and believe it or not, I got no answer. None. What the fuck? Nobody is answering the phone at a PIZZA PLACE? That’s like a consumer electronics store not taking credit cards. It’s crazy-go-nuts lunacy.

Called back again. No answer. Once more, no answer. I am very close to letting it go through to voice-mail and giving them an earful, but I gave it one last try, mostly out of sheer cussedness but also because leaving voice-mail would have meant accept a reality in which you can call a major pizza chain and get no answer three times in a row, and I just wasn’t ready for that.

A surprising amount of people’s determination comes from weird shit like that.

Fourth time they pick up at the very last second and I explain the issue to someone, and it seems to throw her for a bit of a loop. Understandable. It’s not the kind of call they (hopefully) get all the time.

So she puts me on hold for a while, then some dude with a thick accent tells me to keep the chicken and they will send the salad.

Now, this is not a complaint by me, exactly. I mean, it cost me some stress and aggravation, but I actually profit by some potentially edible chicken.

What it is, instead, is a long-winded way of introducing the subject of incompetence – by which I mean people not doing their job – and me. Because as harmless as this incident was, it touched on some pretty damned big issues, and I want to explore those.

Because the thing is, things like the Chicken Bites Mishap have the potential to make me super angry. WAY angrier that is called for by the situation. There is a part of me that is absolutely furious about all the people who can’t seem to do the most basic part of their jobs right and how much bullshit I had to put up with as a result.

And anyone who knows their way around a psyche can tell you that when such a strong reaction is generated by such a minor source, it ain’t about what it’s about.

It is merely the trigger for something else. The spark, not the forest fire.

And I have a lot of issues surrounding people not being able to just do their fucking jobs. It’s a big chunk of my entire controlling/untrusting complex of issues. Why?

Because I have been deeply wounded by a lot of people who didn’t do their jobs. People such as but not limited to :

  • Parents that didn’t parent.
  • Teachers who ignored me and allowed me to be brutally bullies because they didn’t like me either
  • Siblings too busy to look out for me or pay attention to me
  • School administrators who ignored a crying child covered in scrapes, bruises, and his own blood for nearly an hour before telling me to go to class
  • Therapists who tried to get me kicked out of their group
  • A surgeon who apparently had never operated on a fat guy before so he ended up having to slice me open like a gutted fish to get my gall bladder out as opposed to doing it cleanly and competently via laproscopic surgery, which is the norm
  • The nurses and orderlies who treated me like I was under quarantine, meaning my pain went untreated, as did several small complications, and who, when they did bother showing up, acted like they were being sent before Jabba the Hutt
  • And oh, so, many more

It’s things like that which convince a guy like me that nobody can be trusted to do their goddamned jobs, that I can’t rely on anyone to ever have my back, and that the only safety comes in doing it by yourself, alone.

An extreme reaction, I admit, but you can see how hurt I have been in the past. I was abandoned by everyone who was supposed to be looking out for me, That makes me razor paranoid about it ever happening again, and makes me feel like I have to be ever vigilant and ready to make sure people do their jobs… or else.

This is not a healthy attitude. And I am glad to say it’s only a part of me, and not a dominant part. But there’s a lot of rage attached to it that I have no idea how to release.

It’s not like I can get back at the people who failed me. After all, some of them are family, and the rest are probably either dead or wouldn’t remember me at all.

But a lot of bad shit has happened to me because of other people’s incompetence, and all that rage and pain has to go somewhere if I am to get healthy.

I will ask my therapist about it next week.

And I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.