Daily Archives: September 2, 2018

About the child

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“Status report!” barked the Captain.

“Gate oscillators fully synced! ” reported Gate Central.

“Encephelon charge at 108 percent! ” reported TK Assemblage.

“Interlock Guardians in final lock cycle!” reported Guardian Tower.

“And what about the Core? ” asked the Captain.

“The child has been…. stabilized. ” reported Core Control.

“Excllent!” said the Captain. “Then gentlemen….. and ladies, of course… then it is my privilege to tell you to…. OPEN THE GATE! ”

“Yeah…. ” said an unknown voice on the intercom, ” about that… ”

The Captain was livid. “What? Who is that? Who the hell is interfering with this operation? I want answers!”

“Figure it out, oh great military genius. ” said the voice.

“Peterson? Is that you?” demanded the Captain.

“Sir?” said Peterson, whose only crime was having played one practical joke on the Captain 22 years ago.

“Sir, I am getting some very odd readings… ” said Chief Scientist Pal Henderson.

“I will give you a hint. ” said the voice. “Who is the only person with access to this intercom whose voice you have never heard? ”

“I don’t have time for riddles!” blasted the Captain. “I will have you know, young man, that I know everyone under my control very well!”

“Some more than others. ” said the voice. “Isn’t that right, Lieutenant Day?”

“JUST WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING? ” demanded the Captain hotly.

“I’m not implying anything. ” said the voice. “I’m stating it. You fucked Miss Day. You have been fucking Miss Day since before I was born. ”

“Why, you…. of all the insolent, insubordinant, pigheaded…. I will have you court martialed for this!” raged the Captain.

“Who ordered the circuit sweep? ” said Central.

“I don’t think so, Captain. ” said the voice. “You see, I’m a civilian. ”

“THERE ARE NO CIVILIANS ON THIS PROJECT. ” said the Captain.

“You’re wrong. ” said the voice. “There’s one. Wow, you really have no idea who I am, do you? And yet we have worked together for so long. In a sense. ”

“Security!” shouted the Captain. “Find this person and lock them in the stockade!”

“Don’t hold your breath on that.” said the voice. “They are only just now realizing that they forgot to bring their guns to work today. Or their knives. Or their uniforms, as it turns out. And I must say, Doctor Henderson…. VERY impressive. ”

The intercom was briefly filled with exclamations of surprise and embarassment.

“I hope you will forgive me for the juvenile nature of my little joke. ” said the voice. “But what can you expect? I am, after all, only a child. ”

“WHO ARE YOU? ” screamed the Captain.

“You still don’t know, do you? It’s me, Uncle Brian. The child. Remember me? The Gifted One? The one with the special powers? The one who you used to bounce on your knee and tell all kinds of beautiful lies? The one whose powers you have been using to advance your own career without a single thought as to how I felt about it?”

“So you’re, uh…. you’re the child who…. you’re…. uh…”

“You can’t even remember my name, can you?” said the child. “That’s okay, that’s not your fault. I’ve been slowly eliminating your memories of me for quite some time. ”

Meh. I don’t like how that is turning out. Or maybe I just don’t have the mental energy to drive the plot home. Take your pick.

Long story short (too late!) : The Child (or “core”, as the Captain calls him) is sick and tired of being used like a piece of machinery and has been messing with people’s minds with his godlike psychic powers so that they would set everything up just how he wanted it, and he is now going to open that gate for his own reasons and join the interdimensional beings he’s been in contact with for years.

Or something like that. Frankly, the whole thing seems kind of dumb to me now. I mean, I know what I was going for, but I have lost all interest in getting there.

Honestly, right now I just want to sleep. Even though I just woke up. All that nap did was whet my appetite for more sleep, please. If I didn’ have a social obligation tonight, I would crawl back into bed and sleep for a year, or until I wasn’t sleepy any more, whichever meant more time to nap.

But no. Right now it is 4:17 PM. At 5:30 PM, I have to get in the shower in order to be ready to leave at 5:45 PM for FRED at 6 PM, and from that point on there will be zero chance for me to slepe for at least 6 hours minimum.

Not that going to FRED, then doing my shopping with Felicity, then coming back here and hanging with my friends for a couple of hours is some kind of tortuous hell or anything. If I can manage to get my mind booted up and operational, I will enjoy the heck out of the whole deal just like I do every week.

It’s only through the lens of my current level of sleepiness that the whole thing seems like something I would rather avoid.

And to be honest, I go through something like this every time I am going to go be social with my friends. There is always a part of me whining that it doesn’t want to go and telling me I should just skip it and stay home where it is safe.

This, despite all the evidence indicating that I will enjoy my social time and that skipping it would provide temporary relief from stress at the cost of making me extremely depressed when the moment of crisis passes and I feel horrible because my friends are having fun while I am home alone.

So for the most part, I don’t listen to that stupid voice. Every once in a very great while, I let it have its way in order to relieve the tension it accumulates, but that is it.

It is from such small choices that old  unhealthy patterns are broken and new, healthier ones at broken in.

Now if you will excuse me, I am going to get a little more sleep.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

 

What I deserve

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Now there’s a whopper of a topic.

I have never been particularly comfortable with the topic of who deserves what. Especially when you get into the nebulous and unstable area of personal fortune. Who deserves X happening to them?

Everybody? Nobody? There’s just too many variables and too many assumptions.

I can handle it in the form of social justice. I am all about the social justice. People deserve, to the maximum possible extent, to be protected from the cruel and callous hand of fate and to be given everything they need to grow, prosper, and thrive.

They don’t need to do anything to deserve that. They don’t have to “earn” it because it’s a human right. Earning should only enter into the equation when it supports human thriving and personal self-worth.

People need to be able to earn accomplishments and feel pride and earn recognition for them. It’s programmed into our social matrix. We need to feel we are a valued member of a tribe we can be proud of.

There I go, veering into theory again. Bringing it back to myself.

What do I deserve? A lot more than I am getting, that’s for sure. My self-worth has at least grown to that point. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and all I do all day is play video games when I could bhe making major contributions to my society and the world if only I could get around my psychological and logistical barriers.

Plus, I am a pretty nice fellow. If we are going on societal brownie points, I have many. I am a sweet, sensitive, empathic fellow who does his best to make the world a better place no matter where he is.

To a fault, really. I could stand to be a little more selfish.

Deep down, I believe that my low station in life and resulting low status and lifestyle is an error on society’s side. If the world were just and sane, someone would have realized my potential when I was still a little kid and taken an interest in developing my gifts and steering me gently but firmly towards what I needed in order to find my position in society and make a success of myself so that all my potential was realized.

Instead, everybody ignored me and nobody wanted to deal with me and nobody thought I was worthy of their attention, let alone any actual investment of time, effort, money, or even just monitoring.

It’s insane that someone like me should have slipped through the cracks. Objectgively speaking, I am amazing. I never had to study, I aced every academic subject, I was head shoulders and torso above the rest of my class, and I found pretty much everything I was asked to do to be ridiculously easy.

Society has a vested interest in finding people like me and guiding me into productivity.

But that’s one of those things we just stopped doing in my lifetime.

It’s not too late. I could still get into the game somehow and make my contributions. The problem is that it is all up to me whether that happens or not, and that means getting there is going to take a lot of time.

Why? Because I am unhealthy. I am sick. For me to climb out of my depression on my own is like a man with two broken legs crawling painfully through the desert in search of civilization and rescue.

He might get there eventually. But it would be a lot faster and more humane if he had someone to help him along.

So it all comes down to getting assistance. And that’s where things get very sticky because as a 45 year old man I am not “supposed” to need help.

Plus I have a lot of bad tapes in this capacious noggin of mine that say that there is no point in asking for help because I will only be turned down and made to feel like yesterday’s worst crap for even daring to ask for something from the worthy, decent, healthy people who deserve everything more than I do.

Ah, there’s the rub. If you ask my depression, I don’t deserve a goddamned thing. I don’t even deserve to live. The fact that I continue to exist and therefore use up any resource whatsoever is a galling affront to the very concept of justice and the world would be a far better place without a massive liability like myself. My only hope lies in disppearing into the woodwork and hoping nobody notices what an impacted pustule of a human being I am and finally does the world a favour by taking me out of it.

I should be deeply ashamed to even take up space that could be taken up by something more worthy, which is literally anything else.

I know that was unpleasant to read, but I feel better for having vented it. So thanks.

So my depression tells me I deserve absolutely nothing.  That is my default position and while that is, of course, completely horrifying and utterly wrong, it does have the virtue of simplicity. I don’t have to think about what I deserve. It’s always nothing.

So trying to escape that is a bit of a sticky wicket. As tonight’s column readily testifies, the first place my mind naturally goes from “nothing” is “everything”.

It’s always easiest to go to the opposite extreme for me. Changing the magnitude of something requires something of equal and opposite magnitude.

But switching polarities only requires multiplying by -1.

Thus, right now, my position on what I deserve is “a lot more”. That’s about as specific as I can get right now. I don’t see myself as deserving the whole world on a silver platter but I don’t see any reason to put an upper limit on what I deserve either.

Because when you really get down to it, it’s not about what I deserve.

It’s about what I want.

And I want it ALL.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.