The subject of introversion versus extroversioncame up in therapy. I had to give my therapist the gentle update on the difference between being an introvert and being depressed, or antisocial, or socially anxious, or whatever.

I described myself as an introvert, and he began insisting that I wasn’t one, and that it was my depression that made me think I was, and so forth and so on.

And I suppose a less naturally combtive person could have let that slide, but uh… I am not that kind of person.

But then he, quite rightfully, brought up the fact that I had said that I was outgoing and charming and liked being around people as a kid.

So that got me to thinking about the whole thing.

Like I said to him, I will always be an introvert in the true sense of the world : someone who generates their own energy rather than taking it from the environment like an extrovert would, someone who finds social engagement draining rather than stimulating, someone who can be quite happy curled up with a book all alone, someone who prefers a small close group of friends rather than a large shallow group of friends. etc.

That’s the kind of thing that does not change. That’s firmly established science. They can figure out whether a baby is introverted or extroverted when its only six months old, and then track that child over the years and verify that it simply does not change.

That said, there can be some motion within the categories. An extrovert can become more introverted, and vice versa.

And I do feel that, on a fundamental level, I am a lot more extroverted than it might seem. I think that, sans depression, I would be a much perkier, brighter, more outgoing and above all friendlier person.

I would, in essence, be Fruvous in real life.

Just thinking about that possibility makes me feel dizzy with excitement. Because like I said yesterday, Fruvous the Fox is amazing. He’s lively and adorable and full of love and life, and people really like him.

The very thought of my actual life being like that gives me goosebumps.

And it could be argued that he is certainly an extrovert. Or at least, a lot more extroverted than me.But he’s the version of me that is entirely my creation where I can be what I want to be and act like I want to act and in that sense, fictional and biologically improbable as he is, he is arguable the most genuine version of me around.

A scenario has been growing in my mind. In it, I go to a gay club and just plain let loose.  No more hiding myself or hesitating at the edge of the diving board or any of that shit. Just throw myself into everything that is going on, and follow my crazy instincts to do things like sit down next to someone and ask them if they are interesting. Approach any guy who strikes me as attractive without worrying about rejection because I am not betting the farm on a positive reaction.

I’m just testing and expanding my charm and charisma. If he lights up and we get something going on, great. If not,. meh, there’s plenty more dick in the sea.

And I know that, at first, I might fail spectacularly. People would probably be laughing at me and wondering who the fuck this crazy fat guy thinks he is and thinking I am the most pathetic loser in the world.

And I am totally fine with that. I am a pretty unique guy and that means it sometimes takes time to get an audience tuned to my frequency.

And some, of course, will never get there. They will continue to think I am an atrocious boor and an embarrassing spectacle. That’s fine too. I don’t need everyone to love me (though it would be awfully nice), I just need a small group of people who like and appreciate me. And in return, I give them all my love and warmth and wonderful wacky cute cuddly vibes.

And once I gather this little group of mutual awesomeness, I will be fine with more or less just hanging out with them.

That’s how it works online. I know a lot of furries online, and I consider them all friends in a general sense. So in that sense, I am an extrovery there.

But my real friends are the regulars at the particular hangout where I hang out who I like and who like me and who are interesting to talk to and not adverse to having a cute fluffy fox cuddle up to them looking for attention.

That’s also kind of an extrovert thing. The constant need for attention. So chalk that one up as a point for Team E.

As Fruvous,. I am always looking for affection and attention and other forms of positive interaction. To be honest. I am actually extremely needy. I just hide it by being cute and lovable and such.

In that way, I feel like I balance the books with people. I get the attention and affection I crave so much and they get all my fluffy cute lovin’. I make them feel good, they make me feel good.

All of life should be that awesome!

So I dunno. Am I truly an extrovert in disguise? Maybe. But for every point in favour of that proposition. I can come up with half a dozen in opposition.

So maybe the real lesson is to not get too hung up on labels. Labels describe what’s in the jar, they don’t define it. They can be useful signposts on the route to developing one’s sense of identity – something to add to your sense of who you are.

But you should never let them constrain you. The moment you start cutting off parts of yourself because they don’t fit the label is the moment when that label has to GO.

So am I an extrovert or an introvert/

Who cares? I’m a ME.

And that’s all I ever need to be.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Yes, it’s gone from “awesome” to “amazing”. Deal with it.

Lately I have been thinking about what an amazing and extraordinary person I am. And for once, not in a begrudging and dismissive “well, I suppose, given the evidence, some people might conclude that I possess some amazing-like properties” way.

In a true blue “it’s actually pretty awesome to be me” way!

It started from the way I interact with my fellow furries online in a text environment called Tapestries. I was signing off recently when it suddenly hit me : compared to all the other fuzzies there, I am an amazing phenomenon.

Not to put them down. They are fine. But I haven’t met anyone who is as dynamic, sweet, funny. outrageous, adorable, sexy, and downright entertaining as me.

I light up whatever room I am in. I bring the party wherever I go just by being myh scintillating. sparkling. amazing self.

And that’s like. no small thing. Most people do not have that. It’s extraordinary.

It’s just taken me a long time and a lot of recovery to get to the point where I can appreciate myself as the all star amazing fellow I am.

Snagglepuss : And in a social context, even!

Admittedly, it’s the safe social context of a world where I am my words and in that sense I have total control. but it’s still pretty amazing.

And the truth is, I could totally be that way in the real world,. too.

Think about it. As Fruvous, I am bold, outrageous, charming, forward, cute, sexy, and beloved by nearly all who meet me.

I tend to piss off cranky people. but that’s no loss. It just ends up with them looking like the joy and fun hating villain from an 80’s cartoon.

And the thing is, I could totally be like that in the real world. All it would take is some courage and a certain kamikaze fatalism that detaches me from outcomes and instead says “whatever happens, I gotta be me. ”

That’s a wisdom I would have laughed at until recently. Obviously the right thing to do is whatever produces the best outcome. What more could there be?

Byt it turns out that utilitarianism doesn’t work that great on a personal level. I now think that the best life strategy is – and brace yourself, because this is some mindblowing wisdom you have never heard before – is to be true to yourself and you can’t go wrong.

Wow, what a radical thought that the entire culture has been screaming at me for as long as I can remember. I guess I just never “got it” before. I was too busy being excessively reductivist and obnoxiously logical and myopically self-referential about every little thing.

To those of similar inclination : remember my motto – there is a lot more to life than what makes sense. Ditch the logic and ask yourself how you feel about the world. Watch a sunrise. Think about kittens. Give someone you love a hug. Open yourself to the large doses of positive emotions available in the world and don’t sweat what they mean or how they fit into the big picture or what, in balance, it says about society.

Just open up and soak it in. Let yourself feel good.

Because, like…. why not? Why not feel good?

Isn’t that what all intelligent organisms want to do?

In life, we logical types end up building enormous and elaborate defeneses against our own emotions out of a highly misguided desire to stay “in control”. These defenses end up strangling us and depriving us of the very important emotional nutrients we need in order to be happy human beings.

Well fuck that. We think we know better than our emotions but we don’t. The human mind actually works extremely well without that kind of interference and all the fiddling and reacting and constructing and justification does is get in the way of the mind’s excellent abilities to heal itself.

So the idea is to get out of the way. Simplify. Downgrade. Try to remember what life was like when you were a child on a summer day with no obligations other than to please yourself. Don’t worry that someone relaxing and thinking like a child for a while will somehow cause all your intellectual progresss since then to collapse and never return and suddenly you won’t be smart any more.

Relax. That shit’s hardware. It will boot back up when you want it to.

Back then, you dealt with the world on an emotional level, without filters. you felt things strongly and with your entire being. You weren’t jaded or cynical or wary yet. Your heart was open and you were happy.

But then life happened. Bad things happened. And you wanted to make sure they didn’t happen again. And it was here that you made a fateful choice : you decided that the problem was emotions.

Emotions were the enemy, and old cold precise intellectual reasoning could save you from them. Emotions made you do the things that led to the pain, and that meant the only solution was to clamp down hard on your emotions and take refuge in the cool crisp air of intellectualism and never let your emotions “get ahead of you” again.

And it made you feel safe. It detached you from your emotions and let you escape the negative ones and that was worth whatever price you had to pay.

But it was a huge mistake. Emotions were never the problem, and blaming them was like eating a bad peanut and declaring war on food. Emotions are life. They are the only reason we do anything. Logic and reason are powerful tools, but that’s all they are. Tools. They can’t give you the love and hope and acceptance you need. They can’t replace all the good things to feel in life. They can’t get you through times when the world seems very dark and you want to give up.

Only emotion can do that, and only if you LET IT IN.

Wow, what an extraordinary and inspiring speech!

Told ya I was amazing.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.