Getting the urge to run far, far away again.

It would be so nice to be able to shed this crappy life of mine and start over again somewhere where nobody knows me and I can reinvent myself.

Including inventing a whole new past for myself. Nobody needs to know what a loser I have been. I would be perfectly willing to lie in order to get my fresh start.

The only problem being that I do not lie much and might have a hard time keeping my story straight. Perhaps the simplest thing would be to tell people I was in the hospital for a long time. I dunno.

I guess even when starting a new life, I can’t dodge the “what have you been doing for your entire adult life” question and I just don’t have a good answer for that.

What have I been doing? Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. Playing video games, hanging out online, wasting my life, hiding from the world.

And the thing is, that question is always going to come up sooner or later. And every single time, I will not have a decent answer, and in that moment, I will be crushed.

And that’s a big deal. It’s the hot nexus of my social anxiety. It’s one of the main reasons I fear associating with normal people. It’s where all my feelings of being unworthy, contaminated, and broken come to a head.

Because most people have done something with their time on Earth. They might not have gotten their dream job, but they have had jobs. They might be divorced but they have had relationship. They have gone places. They have had a family and a group of friends and co-workers and all the rest.

But all I have done is avoid reality. I have next to nothing to show for my time on this planet. I’ve certainly not produced anything of real note.

And that makes me feel like I am not even here. Because I mean, what is the fucking point of it all? Why do I even bother getting out of bed every day when all that is going to happen is more wasted time? What’s the use in going around and around on the same merry go round again and again when I know it won’t get me anywhere and there’s no such thing as real progress and all I have to look for is a truly pathetic death at far too early an age?

I get so tired of everything sometimes. I just want to slip my skin and run away from the mess I have made of everything and find a nice clean place to lay down and die.

Or at least get some decent sleep for once. Actually wake up refreshed. Maybe then, I would have the strength to face my problems and improve my life.

I know i should forgive myself for how badly my life has done. And I want to.

But I just can’t.

More after the break.

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On negative thinking

And pessimism in general.

So I go to Foodora.com to order tonight’s delivery meal and uh oh…. the website says that delivery is not available in my area, and that it will be back in 15-20 minutes.

Totally did not believe them. Thought there was basically no chance that it would actually come back. Jumped immediately to the conclusion that this was another way the world had dreamed up to fuck with me when I try to order food.

But I decided to wait and check the site every now and then just so that I could, essentially, say “I knew it!” when the time came.

A sad reason to do anything, really.

But much to my surprised and eventual delight, it actually did come back. It took half an hour not twenty minutes, but it came back.

So now I find myself wondering what the hell is wrong with me that makes me jump to such irrationally negative conclusions.

The quick and unhelpful answer is, of course, “depression”. That’s what is wrong with me. That’s why I jump to negative conclusions so easily.

But that doesn’t really address the problem. What I really want is to be able to block the negative conclusions before I jump to them.

I might never be an optimist, but I am determined to at least get myself to neutral. No assumptions or predictions except those based on facts and evidence, not some cockamamie notion that I somehow know the nature of the universe.

Because that’s the thing about both optimism and pessimism, folks. They are both equally irrational assumptions about what it is even possible to know about the nature of life, the universe, and everything.

The main difference is that the optimists are happy.

I would vastly prefer to be an optimist. I aspire to optimism. But I am pretty sure it’s not an option for a rational materialist pragmatist like myself.

For better and for definitely worse, I am just not capable of fooling myself into believing something irrational, no matter how good for me that belief might be.

So, neutrality. No assumptions. No predictions. The Zen state of readiness, where there is no past and no future, only the infinite present, eternal and perfect.

Well, okay, that might be a little over-ambitious. Then again, I have always said that my spiritual ambition is without limit. I will keep striving to perfect myself until my dying day.

I honestly can’t imagine living any other way.

Grow or die. Stasis is not an option.

Update : I was so excited to see Tandoori King Cafe on Foodora. I’ve ordered my beloved Lamb Rogan Josh from them many times via Skip, so I was excited to do so again via Foodora.

So I got what I always get : the aforementioned curry, and chicken samosas.

And the curry was fantastic as usual. But something is seriously wrong with these samosas. They came with this weird black sauce I have never seen before, and the filling is dark and very gross and doesn’t taste like any samosa I have ever had before, and I have had a lot of samosas.

What can I say? They’re delicious.

But these ones are so bad that I am wondering if they are even samosas, or if I got something else that looks similar instead.

Either way, they are beyond gross and I am very disappointed.

But damn that’s good curry.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.