So my killer hunger is back. Can’t say I have missed it.
I mean, there’s real irony in being hungry enough to eat a bison when I had a blood sugar reading of 27.7.
Clearly I need to get that shit down. Luckily, despite the sanity shattering hunger, I was smart enough to remember that these demonic hunger pangs come from there not being enough insulin response to get the sugars from my blood to my cells, and the cells pumping out hunger hormones as a response, and so the appropriate reaction is to get some more insulin into me ASAP.
Even though that feels like the most insane thing ever because it feels a lot loike my blood sugar is too low.
So it’s good that I can verify which kind of hunger it is now that I have a glucometer. I took some insulin and that took away enough of the hunger to let me get some lunch happening so I can attack the hunger the old fashioned way.
Still, clearly I need to get my blood sugars down. It’s taking a lot more focus and drive than I thought it would, and those are in short supply when you have depression.
So it’s complicated.
I know what I need to do. I need to spend an afternoon exercising, taking insulin, and exercising until I get a decent reading.
But that’s hard. Especially when I have been so sleepy lately. The exercise part is tough, even though I know it will make me feel better in the long run.
But having to poke my finger over and over is harder. Damn it.
Maybe I can combine this with my desire to run away. I could just get dressed, go out the door, and start walking. Keep on walking until I feel better or I am utterly tired out.
Then take a cab home from wherever the hell I am, I guess.
That’s the sort of thing I would do if it wasn’t for certain facts, like the fact that every step causes me pain in my feet, or that we live in a time of plague and you’re not supposed to be wandering around for no good reason if you don’t have a mask on.
And I can’t do masks.
I still like to think about it, though. I feel like if I had gotten a better start in life, I would have turned out to be quite athletic, or at the very least very active.
i sometimes fantasize about being able to just run. Run open and wild across endless plains like a feral stallion. Get out there and really stretch my lgs as I run full speed, nothing held back, until I am so tired I drop down onto the grass and stare up into an endless blue sky and let its cool infinity soothe me.
If I could do that when i wanted to, I might actually burn off all my excess energy and lose all the nervousness and anxiety and madness for a while.
That sure sounds nice.
More after the break.
Some small victories
Scored some little victories today.
For one, I did exercise. Which was a little depressing because it turns out I can’t exercise for very long.
Not exactly a surprise, but still rather saddening.
I had planned to do my pushouts for five minutes and pace for five minutes for a total of ten minutes of exercise.
This seemed like a modest and attainable goal.
So I started off with the pushouts and I did 40 of them before I was way too sore to do more so I looked at my timer to see how close I was to being done.
Only a minute and a half had passed. Woops. Clearly it is time to adjust my expectations given my age and total lack of exercise.
The same happened with the pacing. Went back and forth 10 times in each direction. Was utterly knackered.
Only two minutes had passed.
Now part of the problem could be that I was pushing myself too hard. Normally, in those rare moments when I do exercise, my goal is to burn off excess energy and tire out my body so I can relax.
A rather hedonistic motivation, but it works for me.
When exercising to relax, I don’t go by time, I go by reps. And even then, sometimes I just play it by ear and go till it stops feeling good, basically.
And I think that is how I will do it in the near future. I clearly need to build myself up from a very low point. So I will forget timed exercise for now and go back to reps.
My other victory is that I threw myself into finding a new webcam.
First, I tried to get my old one to work, but it is D E A D dead. As in, when I plug it in to a USB port, Windows basically takes one look at it and says “WTF is this supposed to be? It doesn’t even respond to a DeviceID request!”.
So it’s dead in the water.
Ergo, I went looking for a new one. And I tried to be smart about it. I looked up lists of the best webcams for YouTube, and I tried to understand the fire hydrant torrent of information attached to each model, but I lost the ability to comprehend that kind of thing roughly about the time the Pentium debuted.
I mean, I understand all the terms, but I have no idea how to put them into the context of my modest needs.
All I want to do is record video of my own smiling self talking so I can then add images and clips to it and make it something worth watching, not just me talking.
In theory, I could probably make do with like, the cheapest webcam out there. But I ordered one with good reviews that was around $90 CDN, $75 of which was the birthday gift certificate for Amazon that my sister Anne got my for my birthday.
Thanks Anne! I am going to record a video thanks on it for you when it arrives next Monday, assuming it works.
It had better work.
After all, it is my key to becoming a world famous YouTuber.
Now which voice will I use…. fire and brimstone Martin Luther style, fair and balanced liberal style, beatific secular Jesus style….
So many choices!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.