Took my sleeping pill for the first time in weeks this morning.
Kind of regretting it.
Because right now I am super sleepy and bleary-eyed and in general messed up and it is making this whole blogging thing rather tricky.
Like I am walking into the wind.
This is what happens when I resume taking the damned thing after not taking it for a while.. Suddenly, I am catching up on sleep debt and while that is a lovely thing to have done and I will surely feel a lot better when the process is over, until then, I have a lot of extra thick mental fog to fight through.
Makes me wish I could just stay asleep until the whole thing is over. Just snooze the day away and wake up feeling good.
But of course, it ain’t that easy,. Nothing ever is.
Because I still need to eat and drink and blog. So I have to muddle my way through until I clear said activities and only then will I be free to get back to bed.
Another exotic adventure in the action packed thrill ride that is my life.
God damn is it hard to stay focused right now.
Downloaded a free trial of Corel VideoStudio 2020. Going to give it a shot once I am awake enough to do so.
So glad there’s a free trial. I am pretty fussy about video editors so I need to know if I can live with the thing before I buy it.
I will do my best to adapt to it. I want it to work. I want to go back to making videos via my new webcam and I want to make them look as professional as I can.
And for that task,.no rinky dink Windows Movie Maker is going to cut it.
Think I will break early ’cause I am all out of words.
More after the break.
Well it’s 7:15 pm and I have gotten a bunch more sleep and I feel a lot more human.
Plus I have a whole bunch of sushi on the way, and that’s always a happy thing.
I guess this means I am at least marginally caught up on sleep. I can feel that there’s still some sleepiness lurking in the background of my mind, and I will probably need to go right back to bed after I eat and finish the day’s blogging, but at the moment I am at least conscious, upright, and able to think.
Half an hour until sushi. Plenty of time.
Wonder how much of my recent depression was caused by lack of good sleep.
Yet another thing I should really be paying more attention to simply out of my own rational self-interest. Oh well, add it to the pile.
But I can see now how badly I have been sleeping lately. I had fallen back into my old pattern of never sleeping more than maybe two hours at a stretch, and that is just plain not enough. It takes longer than that to even reach deep REM sleep, let alone actually spending enough time there to truly recharge.
But it’s a classic frog-boiling question for me because the lack of deep sleep is easily ignored. It builds up slowly over time, and displaces a little more of my conscious mind each time it grows, and so I can get deeply into sleep debt and not even know it.
Well I am catching on now, and as much as I hate sleeping all day, I am on the case now and I can feel how much better I feel now and I want more.
So I will quiet my frustrations at missing the day and just keep on sleeping until I get caught up, even if it takes all of my available time tomorrow, too.
I hope it doesn’t come to that, though. I want to do stuff!
Just got some bad news. Joe just informed me that :
- He’s not feeling very good, and so he doesn’t think he will be up for our usual watching stuff at midnight. Personally, I know that from my own experience that a lot can change in the roughly four hours between now and midnight, but I also know that when I feel really bad, it can be a big relief to have a future social engagement off my mind, and so I understand where he is coming from. I just hope he doesn’t end up regretting it when he feels better later. On the personal level, I don’t like this disruption to my expectations. We all know that I don’t like surprises, especially bummer surprises. But I understand. And…
- Apparently his laptop can’t handle the latest Zoom update, so he can’t Zoom any more. That’s going to put a real strain on our social life.
Oh well. Sushi’s here. I will be back once I have eaten.
Not bad. Ordered udon. First time ordering it for delivery. Apparently they give you the broth separate from the noodles and meat.
Presumably that’s to keep the noodles from getting too squishy. Nobody likes udon noodles that fall apart when you nab them with the chopsticks.
I know I don’t.
On being around
I recently wrote about my feeling like I did not exist or matter and how that led to a fair bit of irresponsibility on my part.
But I backed off and let myself become distracted by some side points before really getting to the meat of the issue, so here it is :
People miss me when I am not around.
My locking myself away in my world of video games causes real pain to people who love me and care about me and who want to see me.
I owe it to these people to pull my head out of my ass more often and venture out into the world to where these people can see me and hang out with me.
Even if it’s all online.
And that means overpowering all that fear of exposure that has been holding me back and getting used to the idea of voluntarily increasing my social stimulation levels.
Woops, spaced on finishing.
You get the idea.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.