There are times when the idea of life being utterly void of meaning and value can be quite comforting to me.
Because that nihilism annihilate my anxiety. When the pressure is building in my mind and my anxiety level starts rising and it feels like the teakettle in my head is about to start screaming its effing head off, and I am on the verge of totally freaking out, a somewhat crazed butch voice in my head yells ‘FUCK IT. None of this matter. Nothing matters. Fuck it. Fuck everything and everybody everywhere forever. FUUUUCK IT!”
Or something to that effect.
Kinda like this :
And then the anxiety goes away, Cold,heartless, merciless nihilism is the ultimate countering force to my anxiety because my anxiety is powered by my feelings of impotence and inadequacy being magnified by the echo chamber of depression until it feels like I am going to explode, but if nothing matters and everything is meaningless then there is nothing to worry or stress about, is there?
It’s the angry id shouting down the neurotic ego, and it can be a godsend.
Had therapy today, which is how I got on to this topic. Talked about my plan to make videos and having to choose what side of me should do the talking.
I have so many!
There’s Happy Silly Fru, and Secular Messiah Fru, and Angry Bitter Sarcastic Fru (aka Satirical Fru), and Sexy Fox Fru, and High Powered Intellectual Fru, and Brilliantly Strategic Fru,and Avuncular Funny Charismatic Fru, and Lazy Tiger Fru, and….
…and a whole lot more!
And of course, standard disclaimer, these are not separate personalities and then don’t conflict with one another and I am crazy but I ain’t that crazy.
They are the facets. I am the gem.
In fact, the problem is not that they fight or that they all take up space in my head,the problem is that in general,I can only show one facet to the world at a time and so now I have to pick which side to show in my videos.
But you know what? Nihilism to the rescue again : fuck it. Whatever side of me happens to want to talk when I sit down to make the video is the one that gets the microphone that day and gets to have its say.
And I know that is poor branding. You are supposed to have a distinct, recognizable, consistent voice that people can understand and choose to follow.
Well I ain’t there yet. So until I figure myself out as a YouTuber, I am going to just throw stuff out there and see what sticks.
So in a sense, YouTube will choose which voice dominates. It will be whatever one gets the likes and subscribes. Whichever one seems to be working. Whichever one gets me some god damned attention.
And if people can’t handle that I seem like different people on different days, fuck them.
I have waaaaay too much personality to be just one person.
I am,in fact,a million different people from one day to the next.
My name is Legion, for I am many.
And they all like to watch when I pee.
More after the break.
The problem is…..
The problem with giving myself a “Whenever” schedule for making videos is that now I have to decide, on a day to day basis, whether to make a video or not.
This is a whole new level of option paralysis. One of my biggest problems is that I find it so hard to decide to do something. Once I stop dithering about it and actually decide to do it, I do it,no problem.
But the dithering can go on for days, weeks, months. That can’t happen with this video thing. I don’t want to be yet another thing I started with a burst of energy then gave up on when that initial burst of energy runs out.
I am going to have to make people with committing to things that require a constant ot repeated injection of energy.
That’s a direct challenge to my depressive regime, which no matter what will continue to insist that my energy is extremely limited and only the most severe austerity measures will allow me to survive.
That is, of course, total bullshit. My real problem way too much energy and it has nowhere to go so it turned into depression and anxiety and obesity.
Hey, you eat way more calories than you use, you get fat.
It’s the austerity regime’s harsh restrictions that are making me miserable. If I could only get it to unclench and let my energies flow freely and without inhibition, I could finally live my life and enjoy it too.
It’s like I am in dire need of a personal energy laxative. Or at least, a muscle relaxant to get the mind’s sphincter to stop clenching and start releasing.
Talk about having trouble letting go.
Hmmm, perhaps this is where marijuana comes in. The only way I can think of to force my mind to chill the fuck out is via chemical intervention, and weed is legal now and has a pretty good record on that front.
Like, tune me in to the universal harmonic so I can surf its sound waves, dude.
So maybe I should order myself up a bag of CBD gummies and see whether they do the trick or not.
Of course, I could also try meditation or yoga or both. At the same time.
Pretty sure if you’re good enough, you can still AUM in Downward Dog.
But of course, that kind of thing takes focus, drive, and energy, and if I had all those, I wouldn’t need meditation et al in the first place.
No, first I need to clear the blockage. And I could keep doing that by using blogging and therapy to erode the blockage slowly over time.
Or I could get stoned and try to clear that shit out the fast way.
Heck, I would even be willing to try low dose LSD. Just enough to make the walls in my mind more permeable and allow my deep consciousness to heal itself without a lot of interference from my fucked up conscious mind.
Whatever it takes to get me moving again.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.