It’s just…. could.
It’s so damned complicated being me.
At any point, I could make a video. I have ideas. Part of me is itching to make another and take a lot more time and care with it this time. I know I can only do so much skulduggery trying to figure out my voice and attitude before I can’t make any progress without actually doing the damned thing.
But it is so hard to do things when the rabid dogs of self-hatred are tearing at my guts. When “could” turns into “should”, that “should” becomes yet another way for my overpowered superego to punish me.
So to escape said punishment, I flee into my distractions, and nothing gets done, and I feel even worse about myself, so I bury myself even further, and sooner or later I am going to lose sight of the surface entirely and finally go completely crazy.
That prospect is not without a certain appeal. Might be nice to just give up trying to deal with life entirely and just go wherever the tempests of insanity want me to go.
But ultimately, that would leave me trapped in my own mind, and that would be hell.
So instead I am stuck painstakingly picking through my own guts trying to fix myself with the same brain that is broken in the first place.
At this point, I would welcome any sort of higher power to whom I can surrender my broken and unworthy self in order to be reborn and made whole again.
But if I want to find one of those, I would pretty much have to invent it myself. Other people’s imaginary patriarchs are not going to cut it for me. They bear the grubby handprints of people’s petty agendas and lust for power all too clearly for me.
Plus, ya know, I know they are not real. But that seems less and less important to me as I get older. Fuck reality.
Clearly, reality is not enough to keep a human psyche stable. We need some form of escape from the constraints of realism in order to provide permission for the mind to generate whatever emotional inputs it needs in order to be healthy.
So I need to dream myself up one of those, I suppose. I dunno. It all seems so risky and crazy and weird when I try to imagine it applying it to myself.
I have been dedicated to the truth and nothing but the truth for so long. Quite arrogantly, I have looked down my nose at the people and their cherished delusions.
Surely, a highly intelligent person with a keen and powerful mind like me had no need for such obvious bullshit. Right?
But genius or dolt, we all need the same things. Love. Acceptance. Peace. Safety. Connection. Status. Community.
Home. Can’t forget home.
But how can you believe in magic when you already know how the trick is done?
That’s why it has to come from withing, I suppose.
Because reality just plain does not have what I need.
Reality isn’t enough.
There has to be more.
Even if I have to invent it for myself.
More after the break.
I did an oops
Screwed up last night. Twice, in fact. When Joe asked me if I needed to go to Sav-On before we hung out with Felicity near McDonald’s, I should have said yes.
I was all out of my usual supplies, having undershopped a tad, and needed to get more.
But by saying no, I insured that I would be getting said supplies at 7-11,not Sav-On, and 7-11 does not stock the kind of carb-free snacks I like.
Then, to compound the error, I forgot myself entirely once we actually got there and got the same sorts of carb-laden snacks I used to eat all the time.
Double oops. Hard to believe I have only been lo carb for a month. Now the sort of things I used to consume on the regular seem sort of gross to me.
I mean, they still taste good. But they don’t feel right. If that makes sense.
And I would love to be able to say that I refuse to eat them and will, in fact,give them away ASAP, but no. I will end up eating them, at least until I get fresh supplies tomorrow evening at Sav-on.
But from that point on, it’s back to the new regime, with the almonds and the peanuts and the wasabi peas and such.
Maybe then I will give it all away.
Or maybe not. Whatever.
It’s all carbs!
I think I may have mentioned this already. If so, sorry. I will be brief.
A couple of weeks ago, I was in the snack aisle at 7-11 and I suddenly realized that the entire aisle was carbs.
Whether it was candy or chips or crackers or chocolate or donuts or whatever, the main thing everything had in common was loads and loads of low-density carbs.
And that really got me thinking. Why do we snack on carbs? Human beings enjoy a wide variety of foods. It’s what makes us omnivores. We happily munch fruit and meat and cheese and all the rest, and yet when we snack, it’s carbs
The quick, glib,and insufficient explanation would be that carbs stimulate the reward center of the brain, ergo, they are addictive.
But a steak stimulates the reward center too, so there has to be more to it than that.
Perhaps our nutritional programming prioritizes the acquisition of calories over all else. In the wild, that makes sense. Carbs are the fuel of life, after all, and if you run out of fuel, it doesn’t matter how healthy the rest of you is, you are dead.
But I don’t think that’s quite it either. Certainly, corporations have played their part through the largely innocent pursuit of creating the tastiest foods they can.
And the subsidization of wheat, corn, and rice is definitely a silent partner in this.
But I think there is something specifically about carbs qua carbs that produces a sort of high that makes carbs, specifically, quite addictive.
To the point where people get the symptoms of low blood sugar when their actual blood sugar is normal, it has just fallen rapidly from the crazy high of a carb rush.
So what do they do? Eat more carbs. And the cycle continues.
Regardless of the cause, I look forward to getting off that goddamned treadmill when I go back to my usual snacks tomorrow.
Now I need to learn to cut the carbs when I eat out, too.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.