I am officially a bit… worried…. about myself.
Because like I said before, dealing with this back pain is very depressing and every time I have to get out of bed it leaves me in a dark black mood no matter how good I felt before I got up.
Well it’s getting worse. And now it brings with it the bad thoughts.
Of the self-harm kind.
It’s worst when I can’t seem to escape the pain at all. When my back hurts no matter what position I am in or whether I am sitting, standing, or lying down. When just sitting in front of this computer feels like someone stuck a dagger in my back that digs in a little deeper with every heartbeat.
That’s when my depression and anxiety kick into “animal gnaws a limb off” levels of panic. The need to escape the situation no matter what it takes is very strong and makes me worried about my own safety.
I don’t think I am in any real danger yet, but I am way closer to the edge than I ever want to be. And I don’t like where this is headed.
At least I have a new weapon against the pain now.
Let me tell you about my day.
Got to Ambulatory Care. First order of business : test my IV. Ouch. It is old and busted. Time to take the old one out, needle and all, and install a new one.
The old one lasted 10 days, so it was way past due for retirement.
And I immediately knew this was going to be a hassle because I have those veins that like to hide and even squirm out of the way when you attempt to pierce them.
But my nurse busted out the kickass alternative light source that makes your veins glow in the dark. It’s so damned cool.
Then she grabbed my arm and spent the next ten minutes establishing a new IV connection with such concentration and care that you would think she was defusing a nuclear weapon and time was running out.
I was, and am, extremely impressed.
I also feel vaguely guilty. I know I didn’t choose to have these weird veins but they fit so neatly into the other ways in which I am shy and elusive that it’s hard not to feel responsible for them at least metaphorically.
Then came meeting with Doc Kwok. And I am brimming with pride because when he asked me how I was doing, I said “Not good!” and told him about my back pain saga and he was going to investigate immediately!
I am so happy that I spoke up for myself and managed to go against all my avoidant instincts to bring my problem to someone’s attention.
But plot twist : when I rolled my shirt up to expose my back for examination, everyone saw the infection I have on my upper left shoulder and back, and that completely threadjacked everything because it turns out it’s WAY worse than I thought.
I thought it was just a small pustule with some crusted on pus. Um, nope.
I have two serious wounds up there. Son of a bitch.
In my defense, I can’t see them and they don’t hurt. Add in my general ignorance of what is happening in so-called “reality” and it was the perfect setup for having something like this sneak up on me.
However, I must apologize to Julian, who has been bugging me to get it looked at and treated and I have been blithely dismissing him,
If only I could have seen what you saw, Julian. Sorry.
So the next little while was all about THAT. Luckily, Nurse Maria the wound care specialist was there and not busy so the wounds got immediate debridement.
That still sounds like a technical term for when a woman gets a divorce to me.
So now I have three wound sites with four infections.
I’m beginning to think I have some kind of a problem.
As for my new weapon, I felt like Doc Kwok was going to not get how bad the problem was and dismiss me too, but then he said the magic word :
Anti-inflammatory. Do I want one? Yes I indeedily do.
It’s called Naproxen and it seems to be indicated for a lot of things.. That makes sense because as we are learning, a lot of things have inflammation as a root cause or major contributing factor and so the fact that Naproxen directly blocks the chemicals involved in inflammation might make it effective on a whole whack of stuff.
I’ve taken one dose and I already feel better. My joints don’t hurt so much when they go click and the constant ache is much lesser.
And the drug info says that you might have to take the drug for two weeks before the full effect kicks in. So I ain’t seen nothing yet.
So there is some hope. I might escape the darkness after all. This week of misery might be nothing but a fading memory very soon.
So what if I am covered in seeping wounds? They are being treated. Medical authorities know about them. For once, I am not hiding my wounds away like the avoidant little animal I am out of fear of drawing attention to myself.
I still need to get my life under control, by which I mean my sleep and blood sugar levels, but at least I am not suffering in scared silence any more.
People have noticed me. And they care!
It’s a dream come true!
A very, very sad and pathetic dream, but still counts as a win in my books.
Never trust the darkness. It lies.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.
You couldn’t tell through the lab-coat, but Doctor Victor von Frankenstein was actually really into body building.
He found it to be a great way to make friends.
Is this too dark?
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