Today I went to the bank to cash my check…. for the very last time!
Hopefully. Fingers crossed.
See, while we were there, I got them to fill out their part of the form to set up direct deposit for my monthly cheque.
I’ve filled out my part too, so once I add the name and address of my welfare office, all it will need is for Julian to drop it off at said office and the wheels will be in motion.
Dunno how long it will take. You never know with the gubmint. But I am in no particular hurry. As long as it goes through before my next cheque, I’m cool.
We implemented my plan to have Julian wait in line for me. And thank Dog for that! The line was insane. I would never have made it through.
Guess a lot of people do their banking right before closing on a Saturday. LOL.
But ya know how it is. When you have all day to do something, there is no sense of urgency, so it is very easy to procrastinate. You’ll do it…. soon.
And often it is not until the opportunity is about to disappear that the mind’s mode switches from “soon….” to “NOW!” and you get the motivation to go.
In case you’re curious, that’s why some people can’t act until it’s a crisis. Only a crisis (like it’s do in FIVE MINUTES) can give them the adrenaline they need.
It also solves the problem of deciding when to do the thing. That can be the hardest part. It really crushes you between knowing you want to/need too get the thing done and also knowing that the moment you start doing it, things will get way less fun.
That’s where self-discipline comes in handy. It lets you will override the part of you that only cares about immediate consequences and therefore provides the strength you need to act in your own long-term self-interest.
It lets you do things that are not immediately rewarding but way more than worth it in the long run leading to a way happier life.
At least, in theory.
Now um…. where was I?
Oh right. So, got the bank shit done. Standing at the counter while the cashier processed the transaction was hard. Was in a lot of pain by the time we were through.
But I persevered. Yay me!
Feeling better today. The sunshine helps a lot. Seems like, at long last, summer is finally showing up and I am looking forward to enjoying that golden Goldilocks period in between “too cold” and “too hot”.
Maybe I will even get together the wherewithal to go out to get some fresh air and sunshine and exposure to nonlocal reality.
Not real soon though. I am far too fragile. It would not be safe for me to go to the little park next door right now.
That’s so depressing. Le sigh.
I am going to end up being one of those people that just gets wheeled around to various places before long.
More after the break.
Further down the spiral
Two very depressing recent events :
- I was walking back to my computer chair when I stepped on a wrapper on the floor. This was enough of a discontinuity of surface to cause my worse knee (the right one) to start to seriously wobble, and said wobbling led to my falling forward. Luckily, my bed was right in front of me, more or less, and so I only got a jostle and a bounce. but having my leg just give out on me like that was very scary.
- Last time I got up from the computer, my worse leg was so stiff that I almost fell just from the shock and the pain of it, let alone the way having one leg refuse to flex throws off your balance. I could have got splat forward onto my face, no bed to save me that time.
In other words, shit’s getting real.
I feel like disaster is stalking me, waiting for the perfect opportunity to truly fuck me over like I am the protagonist in a Final Destination movie. And no matter how careful and cautious I try to be, my basic absentminded nature will win out, I will make some incredibly dumb move because I’m not really paying attention, and then blam, I break some part of me that can’t be fix and it’s wheelchairs and catheters for me,
Hell, that’s probably where I am headed anyhow, via slow decline.
Or maybe not so slow.
I have to get this shit looked at. I will have to brace myself for the fact that whoever I dump this all on will probably be quite overwhelmed.
But it can’t be helped. A lot of shit is going wrong all at once.
At least my worse knee is not acting up as much lately so I can afford the time to go see
At least my worse knee is not acting up as much lately so I can afford to wait to see Doctor Chao instead of doing Urgent Care.
Urgent Care is still an open option, though. I am just trying to manage my anxiety. A nice familiar doctor’soffice is less scary than some place I have never been.
And surely someone can actually figure out what is wrong with me rather than just tell me what problems I DON’T’ have.
Hopefully somewhere out there is a solution that will at least halt the decay. I don’t want to lose the ability to walk. I don’t want to become all spastic and fucked up. And I definitely don’t want to be bedbound and full of tubes.
And that means I have to stop just floating along and start pushing to get my problems solved and not stop pushing until they are.
Yes – it’s the dreaded Long Term Commitment Of Effort! Every depressive’s nightmare.
Oh well. It’s not like I have anything better to do!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.