Feeling fairly chipper at the moment.

Mostly because I actually got the motivation together to take the Walker Express (hint : don’t both using the wheels, fling and follow old school style) to the kitchen and make myself some lunch that I could carry back to Mister Computer via my walker’s sidebags.

The one thing I could not transport that way was my beloved Decaf Diet Coke, so I still had to get Julian to bring that to me then take the half-bottle back to the fridge.

I plan to solve this problem in the future by getting my pop in cans instead.

2L bottles don’t fit in my sidebags but cans of pop totally do.

And when I had those cans of Decaf Diet Pepsi recently, I rediscovered the strange magic of canned soda : I was as completely satisfied with a can of pop, which is 333 ml, as I was with my usual half-a-bottle of Decaf Diet Coke, which is 1L or 1000 ml.

Equal satisfaction for one third of the quantity. That’s magic all right. i wish I could do that with everything I eat and drink,. I would be so happy.

So yeah. A switch to cans seems to make sense to me.

Also on the supply front is the fact that neither of the bags of trail mix I ordered with last week’s groceries actually showed up. Out of stock. Dammit.

Stupid supply chain issues!

In retrospect, I could have seen this coming, though. Before I went into the hospital, I had encountered the same issue and had bought some of my stuff directly from the bulk food section of Sav-on’s instead of in the “prepackaged bulk” form I am used to.

Don’t try applying logic to “prepackaged bulk” , You and logic will both end up feeling foolish if you do.

So I figure I have to make a rare second grocery order this week in order to secure the supplies I need and probably some sugar free treats too.

Sucks to have to pay a second $10 delivery fee in the same week, but what the hell, I will consider it a cost of learning a lesson and move on.

And what the hell, I can use it as an excuse to get stuff I don’t normally get.

More upsetting than the lack of bulk trail mix was the lack of bulk bologna.

I am so used to getting those big huge packs of like a zillion slices of bologna that the lack thereof makes me feel like, in one small way, we are failing as a civilization.

I wanted the baloney because my immediate short-term sloppy kludgy solution to my Vitamin B12 deficiency is to get the most low-effort kind of meat I can so that I can always just add a couple of slices of bologna to a meal and bingo, it has meat.

No prep. No fuss. Ya don’t even have to heat it up.

It is ready to eat the moment you buy it. You don’t even have to open a can.

And I find it is best to plan and program my life with realistic assumptions about my future laziness in mind.

Especially now that my leg pain limits the amount of time I can spend on food prep.

Still, to return to our thesis, I am glad I got myself moving and made my own lunch today. I needed the exercise and it felt good to focus down and do for myself and actually spend time in an activated state for once.

Oh. And breaking in a new keyboard is hard.

More after the break.

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Pain in the ass

Did another kitchen trip. This time I pushed myself a bit too hard and had to rest on my couch in the living room before traveling the rest of the way to Home Base here.

Another lesson learned.

Speaking of my ass, that’s one of my persistent issues right now : the fact that the longer I sit in front of here computer on my “I paid too little for this” cheap uncomfortable computer chair, the more it aggravates the wound on/in my butt.

It’s basically directly in front of and beside my nethermost gate and that is a crazy bad place for it to be for sanitary reasons alone.

Don’t think about that too much.

But the real problem is the pain. No wonder I do all my gaming on the tablet now. I only come here to blog and chat with my fuzzy friends.

And I might not need to do those things here any longer if Alexa’s speech to text capabilities are as good as they seem to be.

In theory, I could blog via just dictating to Alexa and having it going into a text file.

And I must admit, I am curious as to how needing to say things out loud in order to blog them would change the tone, tenor, and content of my blogging.

Then again, I could just vlog instead. And I am seriously considering it.

After all, the whole point of this blog o’ mine is self-expression and whilst I express a lot of myself in these words of mine after all these years of practice, I feel like I could express so much more of myself and who I am as a person via video.

And besides that, on YouTube, I might actually attract a following.

And then I could live my dream of becoming a mighty force to be reckoned with in the world of public opinion as I write my words of blood and fire across the sky.

Or at least really irritate a lot of stupid. crazy, and/or evil people.

That would make me so happy.

The tablet makes recording video ridiculously easy. Editing it, not so much. So the PC might have to get involved too.

And you know what that will be?

A real pain in the ass.

Callbacks make things seem smart!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

So I am incontinent now.

It just oozes out of me when it pleases. Doesn’t even wait for me to go to sleep any more. Containment has been lost .

Guess I should be calling the hospital and asking whether I should be going back in.

And I will. Real soon now.

But going back in will be a disruption and a drag, so I need to work up to it.

Probably do it tonight. Tomorrow at the latest.

No sign of my new keyboard yet. So typing via clicking persists .

Hopefully it will show up soon.

More after the break.

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The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog

Hallelujah, he is risen. The new extremely unfancy basic black keyboard I got off of Amazon Basics is working just fine so far, so I am back in business.

Went three whole days without being able to type (and hence blog) properly, and it was hell. I need to blog It’s a biological imperative for me now. All these thoughts and ideas and emotions and so on must be vented (at least in part) or my brain overloads and I become a much less happy Fru.

So woohoo, it is good to be back, baby.

Now what have I been up to?

Oh right, shitting the bed.

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That seems to be over for now. The last time it happened was a lulu. Stuff just kept coming out of me and I had to use a ton of Kleenex and other highly unfortunate bits of paper that happened to be there in order to staunch the flow.

A little still made it to my bed but it could have been SO MUCH WORSE.

I tried the “plug the leaking dyke” method at first but that was insufficient because more kept coming out of me in extremely involuntary waves.

So instead, I just pretended I had just “gone” and wiped hard.

These are the traumatic and humiliating details of my life. Pooping the bed in mny sleep. Getting crazy dizzy when I stand up. Having to get Julian to bring me things from the kitchen because going and getting them myself hurts so bad.

And like I have said before, I am not sure I can handle being this dependent on others, ler alone imposing on them so much.

That makes it a sort of double whammy of trust issues and fear of abandonment.

A deep part of my basic programming insists that if I ask too much of people or make the mistake of relying on them being there when I need them. they will decide I am more trouble than I am worth and leave me forever.

That if I am not super careful with this narrow window or opportunity created by my wit, charm, charisma, and so forth, whatever spell I can cast that makes people temporarily forget what a horrible person I am will be broken and they will see the real me.

And the real me is enough to make a saint run for the hills

I know that none of that is true. That the extremely dark picture my childhood memories paint of people’s willingness to tolerate me is an obscenity and cruelly inaccurate.

But the feelings are still there. And I am so scared that the sicker I get. the closer I get to being far more trouble than I am worth.

And then I will truly be all alone.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

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O wait, I’m not done yet.

I got like 400 words to go. technically.

What the hell, it’s not like I have anything better to do.

The word of the day is ARGH!!!!

This just happened : I moved on my bed and that nudged a thing which nudged another thing that nudged another thing and that caused my 2/3 full glass of Decaf Diet Coke to go splashing all over me and onto the floor.

Nothing like the shock of a sudden cold-ish splash of fluid to really hammer home the sheer slapstick futility of me miserable goddamned existence.

Because shit like this just keeps happening and it’s driving me up the wall. I try so hard to be careful and patient and yet my world remains boobytrapped everywhere and the only form of security I know these days is to lie in bed doing absolutely nothing.

Maybe reading or using my tablet. But that’s it.

And I know it’s because my spinal damage is making me spastic. I twitch and tremble and twist and flail so fast that I don’t consciously register it and so to me, subjectively, it seems like shit just flies out of my hands, falls over, falls apart, or otherwise is a victim of the non stop entropy show that is my life.

And there’s not a goddamned thing I can do about it. It’s just going to keep happening in new and inventive ways all the fucking time and all I can do is take it because it is beyond my conscious control yet I still wish to interact with my environs so I just have to take whatever brutal humiliations life has in store for me.

And it’s not hard to see the writing on the wall. Unless the Spine Team can fix me up, I will just keep getting more and more spastic and feeble until I am just a useless twitching slab of meat on a gurney in some back ward somewhere spending all day wishing I had killed myself while I still could.

Ain’t that a pretty picture, kids?

So it’s no surprise that I have been pretty depressed lately. I can’t say y life prospects seem real good right now and the future is someplace I don’t wanna be.

So all I can do is keepo plugging along in the home that dawn is still coming and with it will come hope, joy, and something resembling a life.

Guess I should have gotten my life started while I still could.

Oh that’s right. I couldn’t. Because I’m crazy.

Well that takes care of that, then,

I will still talk to you nice people again tomorrow.