That’s my motto these days.

Because objectively speaking, my life does not look real promising right now. I have spinal damage making my legs weak and my lower body in general messed up. I got high blood pressure and get super dizzy when I stand up. Overall, I feel feeble and weak and sickly all the time.

And I can’t handle all that. If I think about it too much, I get all freaked out and depressed and the Bad Thoughts about things being “OVER” start up and it gets harder to talk myself out of them every day.

So all I can do is narrow my focus to the immediate moment and keep myself distracted and entertained like I have always done, but this time with a purpose.

I’d rather find some way towards being functional despite all this health crap. I would love to be one of these inspirational types who turned to their art as a way to escape the bleak realities of their harsh existence and created amazing things as a result.

And I am not ruling that out entirely but it would take some sort of spiritually energizing event, positive or negative, that would force me to wake up and be in the here and now and actually focus for once because for once, I actually want something.

Even if that desire is something as basic as, “I want to make my mark before I die. ”

Right now, I am still wandering through the heavy fog of my inner world. Truth be told, I don’t truly care about anything. Not in an active, meaningful sense.

Not in a sense that might lead to action. Heaven forbid.

I mean, sure, I want to get better more than I want anything else in this entire world, but not enough to actually do stuff about it.

I mean, let’s get real here. And by that, i mean “remain delusional”.

My biggest problem is translating emotion and intention into action. I have so much amazing and powerful stuff floating around in this megavolt mind of mine but it might as well be museum pieces for all the good it will ever do in the world.

To truly wake from my long, long night’s dreaming and face the world so I can actually do something with myself would mean abandoning my cloak of night and committing yo being real and present and now, and that is not a price I am willing to pay.

Not yet, anyhow. Maybe someday, Maybe not.

So I will keep sleepwalking to my grave and not thinking too much about it. I can imagine a different, healthier, more vitally alive version of myself, but I cannot yet convince myself to make the transition.

The change would feel too much like dying. Or worse, becoming more alive than I have ever been before and thus having to face a much louder, brighter, and altogether far more intense existence that I have no faith in my ability to handle.

More after the break

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A little more distant

If the voice you hear in your head when you read these words sounds like it is coming from a little further away today, that’s because I have devised a somewhat unique solution to the problem of my butt wound not liking it when I sit on this terribly uncomfy computer chair of mine for very long.

The solution ; not sitting on the damned thing.

I am instead typing while sitting on the edge of my bed and using said torture device/computer chair as support for my keyboard and mouse.

As solutions go, this one is pretty crappy, as in exchange for less butt pain I get more back pain from my now completely unsupported lumbar region.

So honestly, I can see myself alternating between the two positions (distant and sitting like a normal human being) depending on which part hurts the most at that moment.

Today’s been dull, but in a soothing way, for the most part. Slept a fair bit, fucked aroiund on the tablet (in other words, played games) on the tablet a fair bit.

Finally remembered to email my therapist, Doc Costin, that I am out of the hospital. Gee, and only six days after I got out!

I often forget that other people are affected by my lack of action. I feel so completely alone all the time that it’s hard to remember that I am not, in fact., a ghost.

Or at least, no more so than anyone else.

This leads to a strange sort of misbehavior where I do things that are uncharacteristically thoughtless or cold or even grossly irresponsible because i sincerely forgot people cared about me and liked having me around.

My internal emotional landscape of Midnight Tundra does not allow me to feel the lve and caring of others very strongly.

I feel terrible saying that because the last thing I want is to give those who love me the impression that their love and care doesn’t matter to me.

It does matter to me, it matters SO MUCH,

It’s so cold and lonely on my tiny planet far from the sun that every single photon of love that actually reaches me is precious beyond compare.

So just know, my beloved friends, that if I seem lost and lonesome and a million miles away sometimes, it doesn’t me that your love doesn’t reach me or that it doesn’t help or it doesn’t count.

I would love to be able to orbit closer to you all but it is my sad and twisted fate to wander the cosmos, untethered and alone. and only come within radio range of other planets every once in a while.

I do not yet understand the forces within me that compel me to avoid others so much and to need so much space and autonomy all the time.

All I can say is that I am a very poorly socialized monkey and that leads me to places both dark and vile that the other monkeys will never have to see.

I wish I had more trust. I wish I could stop seeing my fellow monkeys as a threat first. I wish I could wipe all those bad tapes in my head that tell me over and over that I dom’t belong in the sunlit world of healthy humanity.

But for now, I have no choice but to be the squirrelly and paranoid critter I am.

But I love you all. Never, ever doubt that.

I just lose contact with humanity from time to time.

Try not to take that personally.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.