At least, I am pretty sure I am. Could just be me flying off the handle in hysterics like I am prone to do, but I don’t think so.

I think my as yet undiagnosed leg condition that is supposedly unconnected to my spinal injury has been getting worse.

The pain in my legs when I stand is worse, as is the pain I experience when I putter around the apartment with my walker. My endurance during those excursions is falling too.

Seems like as soon as I am on my feet, I am already sagging like water balloons hung a clothes line.

Yes, that’s oddly specific. Thanks for noticing.

In addition, I have been having more bits of body weirdness of the neurological kind lately. Sudden stabbing pains in random locations. Muscle twitching that goes on for minutes. Aching.

But by far the worst, and the hardest to write about. was an incident last Wednesday or Thursday when I was sitting and chatting and watching Colbert with Joe and Julian when out of nowhere and with no other symptoms, I started finding it extremely hard to speak.

Lord, you can take everything else but please leave me my life, my loins, and my words.

Pretty sure it was a brain level issue and not a mouth issue because it wasn’t just that I couldn’t make my mouth make the words, it was more like I would start to form a sentence in my mind and then the record would skip and I’d have to start over.

Meanwhile I would get a couple of phonemes into a sentence and then I would be making the sorts of sounds normally associated with toddlers fresh to the concept of words.

And all with the grin of a maniacal moron plastered across my face like a real goober.

I got over it, mostly, but I can still feel my mind trying to veer off in that direction and it takes a serious exertion of will to stay on track and not end up in verbal hell.

So I am not out of the woods yet, but I am utterly terrified. This is my worse nightmare of turning into a slaw jacked spastic hunk of twisted meat and tangled nerves warehoused in a back ward somewhere and running my hands through a bowl of rice over and over and over all day/.

Why yes, that is also strangely specific.

What can I say, the part of my brain that turns my emotions into imagery works with fever-dream intensity sometimes and my dreams are so powerful they leave me shellshocked.

So yeah. Pretty freaked out. Definitely need to call Doctor Chao for an appointment on Monday. I am really, really scared.

Oh. And apparently I had some sort of scan scheduled for the 26th of November and completely spaced on it. Didn’t even know I had missed anything until later that week.

Almost as if there was something wrong with my brain….

More after the break.

It finally happened

It FINally happened.

I’m slightly mad.

Actually, that would be a new high tide mark for me as I have been more than slightly mad for most of my life.

I’d say that I mostly stay at definitely mad with highs up to quite mad and lows due to hypomanic episodes down to a bit mad.

Mostly I don’t let it show on the outside, though. After all, it wouldn’t be very Avoidant of me to attract attention to myself.

I’ll just die quietly off in a corner. Wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone. I am sure you all have better, worthier, more important things to do.

Sorry about the mess.

Don’t worry, folks, I am not actually saying anyone is neglecting me. Joe and Julian are fabulous beyond compare, and I am eternally grateful to them for all they do to deal with their trying but also entertaining roomie.

I just need to get the self-pity out of my system sometimes.

And THAT is a real high water mark for me becaus e in order to pity yourself, you have to think you don’t deserve what it happening, and for a long time that wasn’t the case.

In fact, I have a hard time thinking about what I deserve. It’s pragmatic in a very bleak sense – who cares what I “deserve”: when it won’t change anything except to increase my feeling of impotent rage?

But really, I can only think of what I deserve in dreamlike hyperbole.

One side of me thinks, “Why darling, I deserve absolutely everything. Wealth, fame, accolades, a life nestled deep into the lap of luxury, a prominent place in the world pundit-sphere as a thought leader and notorious figure of controversy, and a cozy little ranch in a VERY VERY secluded area where me and a select few very special friends can live as we please.

No, I am not going to explain that.

Of course, I would have to expose myself to people who can help me first, which means disarming a heck of a lot of my Avoidant Personality Disorder first.

Then I would have to figure out where to find that kind of person.

Find them online, of course. I was unlikely to be invited to any swanky show biz party where I can rub elbows with entertainment moguls BEFORE my legs went boom, and if invited, I might have um.. failed to attend.

Now that I am pushing along with a walker, oy. I cou

I could probably handle a zoom call. I would be terrified and be looking at looking for those fast-acting anti-anxiety meds Doc Costin have me to try once, but I could do it.

I think one of them was an Atavan?

I am such a mess!

I really could use a caretaker/assistant/reality interface specialist.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.