Or, if that’s too folky for you :
I couldn’t figure out which one to post so I posted both. You’re welcome.
I chose that theme for this entry not just because the sun had almost completely set (pretty colors!), but because I have been pondering my personal lack of sunshine.
Where exactly did/does all this coldness inside me come from? And how the heck can I thaw myself out?
I’ve already had some clues.
The fact that my imposing intellect and I have, at best, a working relationship is a big one. That’s a big chunk of my inner glacier right there. Having such a strange and strained relationship with most of my cognitive hardware must have a chilling effect on my interior world.
Perhaps I’m so danged smart because it’s cold inside to the point of superconductivity.
Or maybe I’m so cold inside because I am so dang smart. Chicken and egg.
Another source of refrigeration is the sheer mass of unprocessed emotions that lies at the heart of my vast region of Midnight Tundra.
In order to avoid dealing with my emotions as they happen, I freeze them in place. And with every tick of the clock. more frozen feelings accumulate
And Spring never comes. Well, not yet, anyhow.
Another factor is my long cold childhood. There was a long time at the beginning of my schooling – grades 1 through 5 – and a period at the end – grades 10 through 12 – where I had no friends whatsoever, and those were some mighty cold days indeed.
And when I cast my mind back to those days, the cold winds rise from deep within me and leave me feeling a chill that pierces my very heart.
So I try not to do that.
The logical, clear, and useless answer to what to do about all this god damned ice is for me to move closer to the sun and let it all melt.
Far easier typed than done. I first have to truly and deeply convince myself that my ice is not, in fact, a part of me and that melting will therefore not equal death.
Or at least, not the death of anything I give two soggy shits about.
But it’s much harder to convince my deeper self. My true self. The one that lurks beneath all the stone and snow, using them as his protection against exposure to the harsh light of day.
No wonder I’m so cold. I flee the light.
One of my fundamental conflicts is that I both want warmth and love very badly and I fear it will destroy me.
Well if so, then let me be destroyed. Smash the ice within me and set me free. Liberate me from this empty shell of a life.
I will remake myself from whatever is left after the thaw.
More after the break.
On stockpiling talent
It occurs to me that I have not been doing “nothing” or “nothing but play video games” all these long lonely locked-in years.
I’ve also been getting smarter. Sharper. Deeper. And funnier.
Just from living my life as I do, and letting certain subconscious processes progress naturally, I have been honing my various gifts. It’s like I have been training them for some future challenge without knowing it.
What that challenge might be is, of course, entirely up to me. I feel like there is a spring inside me that is slowly winding up, and when it’s stored enough energy, it is going to shoot me into the stratosphere.
Failure to launch? Not this time!
Not sure of the trajectory yet. But I know I need to launch myself right smack dab into the middles of what’s going on, thus maximizing my chances of finding some kind of niche before I run out of momentum.
I will take any writing job I can find. I know I can’t afford to be picky at this stage. And whatever I take, I will of course crush it like a beer can under an elephant’s foot.
And that’s an aluminum can, for the record.
That means getting over my aversion to going back to UpWork. Why am I averse? Because my exit from there came in the form of ghosting on like three different jobs, and that fills me with shame and guilt.
So to get back to business on UpWork will require crawling through the minefield morass of my own personal guilt.
Luckily, I know it’s all in my head and there is literally nobody standing in the way of my getting back into the swing of things except myself.
And I can be SUCH a pain to work with! So flighty and emotional and sensitive.
But I mean well, I swear! And I’m worth investing in because I can spin magical tales that reach, and soothe, and even heal people’s hearts.
You want that magical sense of wonder? You want stories that make people laugh, cry, and feel like they have truly experienced something? Storytelling so good it makes people feel better about the world in general?
I can make that happen.
And that goes for anything else you want. Tragedy that brings out the tears you keep locked up inside. Adventure so bold and noble and heroic and exciting that it burns calories. Family dramas that feel like they are about your family… to everyone.
And of course, my specialty, comedies so funny they should include a part of adult diapers with the ticket.
All this and so much more could be yours if you are the lucky, lucky person to see me for the wonder I am and give me the honor and the privilege of making you a LOT of money, plus prestige, credibility, and the love of millions.
I could make the right person into the next Walt Disney, my friend.
And all it takes is the vision to see what I can do, the courage to take a chance on me, and the resources to cover my modest salary.
I gotta say, that’s one hell of a good deal.
Are you the lucky person who will take me up on it?
Man, I can really sell myself when I want to.
Hell, at this point, I’m chomping at the bit to hire me!
Food for thought.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.