As God told Abraham right after he pulled that hilarious “kill your son” prank on him.

I’ve always imagine God saying, “Oh my Me, you were totally gonna do it! Chill out, dude, I was just yanking your chain!”

Anyhow, my RAM hath arrived. So that’s one hurdle vaulted.

The other will begin when I make contact with Spuug. I emailed him last week but he has yet to reply.

Perhaps, like me, he doesn’t check his email nearly often enough.

But whatever, he has neither obligation nor duty to be my IT guy. I am sure he has other stuff he’s been doing.

And it’s hardly urgent. I am looking forward to having this new RAM installed because (fingers crossed) it should improve the performance of this ol’ computer considerably.

But I am getting on fine without it.

Speaking of, I forgot one detail in my tale of my renewing my relationship with Elder Scrolls Online : what a dumbass I am.

See, the new beginning of this game involves an (optional) tutorial section where you make your way to this sort of “well of worlds” type place where you can choose in which realm your character will start the game.

And after reading all the descriptions, I sagely chose a place called Vvardenfell^[1] because based on the description, that sounded like a good place to start out for a budding war mage like myself.

And then instantly realized my mistake as I (too late) remembered that Vvardfell was where you start in the game since the beginning and I have already been through the whole goddamned “save Vivec” timeline a zillion times so now it’s boring.

Too late. If I want to choose somewhere I have not been a million times. I would have to start another character. No getting back there with my current character.

And I might just do that. Going through all this Vvarden-crap again is stultifying.

It’s amazing how well you can remember something when you have it over and over again in a game you’ve spent 1600+ hours playing.

But I have my powerful urge to finish what I start to contend with. It tells me to just keep going till I have completed Vvardenfell and saved Vivec the Living (but dying) God and all the rest and THEN hopefully end up back in the well of worlds.

Besides, it would kind of suck to start all over again AGAIN. I would have to choose a different character class to avoid repetition as much as possible.

Knowing me, I would probably choose to be an archer. Archer and battle mage are my two most favoured character classes in any high fantasy RPG.

What can I say, I don’t like to get close to the enemy. Interpret that as thou wilt.

You could say it represents some very deep intimacy issues I have, the kind that trap me on my lonely planet far from the sun.

But it’s mostly to do with my aging reflexes.

I need to take them out from afar, before they get within a sword’s length of me.

Otherwise its too damned late!

More after the break.

---

This fucking song

(Trigger warning : self-harm talk (no plans))

Remember this thing? Probably not.

That song is not good for me.

Because it feels like it comes straight from the deadliest part of bright side of my mind.

All the images, individually and as a group, feel like someone took a flash photograph of that deep, dark,. mysterious part of my mind that wields enormous power over my being but that I have never understood or even been able to integrate into my consciousness.

It just doesn’t fit with my legacy irrationally rationalist mind. My mind is a (too) tightly integrated data processing machine, capable of processing enormous amounts of information in order to draw deep and powerful inferences and observations then integrate them all into a living model of the world in my mind that can make remarkably prescient predications based on small inputs of facts.

And its operating system is logic. Facts. Truth with a capital T. Its entire modus operandi is based on all those facts fitting together into one big picture.

So against this dark and powerful part of my mind, I have always been helpless.

Whenever something invoked it, all I could do is accept its input – it is far too powerful to be ignored – and then try to deal with it somehow.

Lacking religion, I have no path to the higher self to form a framework for understanding this deep and deadly intuition.

And yet, it is that very intuition that forms the basis of my mental gifts. My conscious mind can’t possible integrate data like I do by itself.

But my deeper self can, and does.

Crap. I am completely off topic. I have to stop giving in to easier to talk about, more intellectual threads that pop up to distract me.

My original point was that song is bad for me because it presents a view of death that makes it seem like sublime transcendence and a thing of rapturous joy.

And I don’t need that in my head. It makes death sound too good.

And lord knows you don’t have to be unhappy to commit suicide. It can be done in a state of joyous expectation of great rewards after death, when the toxic joy some feel when they have decided to end it all fools you into thinking death is great.

I mean, if the closer to killing yourself you get, the better you feel, then surely that trend will keep on going after you’re dead.

So yeah. A song about transcendent death with images directly lifted from the part of my mind I can’t control and have never understood is not a good thing for me to have around, all things considered.

And yet, I have it in my mp3 collect because (psychotic reasoning alert!) I feel better having it somewhere where I can keep an eye on it.

But ya know, it occurs to me that I have been looking for something bigger and more powerful than my corrupt and malicious rational mind in order to come in and destroy all the old malfunctioning structures and usher in new, better ones.

And it’s been there all this time. This deep part of my mind could totally do the job.

But how the heck do I tell it to do it?

This thing didn’t come with an owner’s manual, for crying out loud.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.