I have to believe that I can be wholesome and pure and clean.
I have felt dirty and soiled and gross for as long as I can remember. Even since I was raped and that was almost 46 years ago.
It forms the foundational layer of my Avoidant feeling of being something disgusting and horrible and loathsome. It devours my self esteem the minute it tries to establish itself and gnaws at the roots of my psyche with its urge to purify the world by cleansing it of my filthy fucking presence.
And on my tombstone, it will say “Sorry for the mess”.
It’s the reason that no matter how many of my virtues I add up – intelligence, charm, sweet nature, et al – the balance sheet remains vehemently in the red.
It’s the reason why I hate myself so much. Enough to want to kill the man in the mirror.
It’s the reason why I use words like poisonous, toxic, and radioactive so much. I am trying to express what it’s like to feel like a living fucking turd.
And not a healthy one, either.
It’s also the deep basis for my lifelong issues with hygiene. Here’s why :
Because if you can’t be clean, the next best thing is to just stay dirty.
That way, you never have to feel that horrible contrast between being clean on the outside and living filth on the inside.
That’s when I truly feel like a blot on the landscape. A toxic accident. A Thing That Should Not Be.
Besides, it’s easier to be filthy and stinky and gross. Takes less work and matches how I feel inside anyhow.
This is a common feeling in rape survivors. We were violated in such an intimate way that it’s hard to shake the feeling of having been permanently ruined.
That goes double when you’re male and triple when it happens when you’re only four.
So like…. six times total.
Stuff that happened later did not help. My being ignored by my family and abused by my classmates only confirmed what a repulsive sack of shit I was.
Maybe they could sense something broken inside me. I dunno.
There’s a truth in the idea that we project how we feel about ourselves to the world and that it is this message that other people unconsciously align their own opinion with.
Maybe I was telling people how to treat me without knowing it.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. I can overcome this. There is nothing wrong with me. I am not some kind of nightmare parasite helplessly feeding on those who love him.
I can cleanse myself. I can purge myself of all which makes me feel impure. I can find my way to a wholesome and healthy point of view that makes me feel strong and upright and holy and proud.
I can leave all my toxic effluvia behind and start fresh again. I can go to where the water is clean and the air is fresh and the sun shines golden and warm all day long, and I will be received there and welcomed into their kingdom as the wretched refugee I am.
I will have to sacrifice much to get there. But it will only be things I am better off without.
And at this point, there is little I would not give of myself in order to finally, after all these years of suffering, be clean.
More after the break.
Unwanted advice for young people
I will be 50 in 74 days – not looking forward to that – and so it’s about time I entered the didactic phase of my life and starting giving young people unsolicited advice.
With that in mind, here’s some life lessons from someone with no life :
A. The point of life is to be happy. Everything we do is or should be dedicated to that goal. Even our jobs and careers should be seen as beholden to the obligation to be a net increase in our happiness quotient. And if something is taking more out of you than you are getting out of it, cut it loose and look for a better option.
B. Do it now. Whatever it is you really want to do, do it now. Don’t wait for the right conditions – that’s just a bullshit way of not doing it while pretending you someday will. Next stop : Loserville. Whatever it is, get on with it. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Take risks, get hurt, and learn from it.
C. Beware of illusions painted on the horizon. WTF does that mean? It means that the world is full of people who are sure something is going to happen some day even though they are doing absolutely nothing to make that thing happen. Ergo, this idea of the effortless eventuality is an illusion of a future that is always the same distance ahead of you – like the horizon. Via the simple act of actually pursuing your desired future, you put yourself way ahead of all those people. Even if it goes poorly.
D. Treasure your momentum. Whatever you do, do not let your life grind to a halt. Even if you badly need a rest, take that rest with clear intentions of getting that rest then going back to your life. Don’t let yourself dawdle in the doldrums. Inaction for too long lets the rust creep into your joints and before long starting up again will seem impossible and you will be stuck there for a very long time.
E. You will get old too. The younger you learn to accept that you will go through all the well known phases of like just like everybody else, the more of an advantage you will have over the people who will one day waste enormous amounts of time, money, and effort trying to stay young. Your youth is valuable, it’s true. You have more vitality and sex appeal now than at any other time in your life. But aging gives as well as takes away. Imagine yourself at every age that lies ahead of you. What will you be doing then? What will life be like? Start thinking about these things now so that when age does catch up to you, it won’t be a nasty shock. It will be exactly what you knew would happen because it happens to everybody.
That’s all I can think of right now.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.