Earlier today I got this sneaking suspicion that this was a five week month.
Checked online and yup, not getting another disability payment till March 22, which is exactly three weeks from today.
Sigh. I hate it when this happens. Oh, I will be fine financially – I have just enough saved up to cover the extra week.
But it’s just so depressing. To be expected to survive one extra week without any extra money seems so arbitrary and cruel.
Imagine if at your job, sometimes you went three weeks between paychecks instead of two. You’d raise hell, right?
But it’s always safe to pick on those who are too weak to fight back, like us disabled folk and folks on welfare.
Oh, I am sure they have some kind of justification. Probably one that amounts to “it makes the bookkeeping nice and tidy. ”
I’m not kidding. That’s how these people think. I mean, what is the welfare (there’s that word again) of thousands of BC residents versus the sheer joy of a clean spreadsheet?
Nothing, am I right?
Oh well. At least it gives me something to bitch about.
And that’s a good thing…. kinda.
Free to go
Postulated : I accept that I can leave this hellhole of an existence any time I want.
Corollary : The real issue, therefore, is to want it.
And I do. But I also don’t, and that’s the problem.
As much as a big part of me years to be out there in there world living a normal life with a job and a boyfriend and my own place to live, another equally big (if not a little bigger) part of me views that as an annihilation level event of incalculable undesirability.
To be clear, this is not an adult part of my mind. There is absolutely no reasoning involved. It is pure raw emotion, that emotion being terror.
Actually, terror isn’t a strong enough word. It’s too civilized. If it’s terror, it is vehemently not the terror one feels when watching a horror movie.
It’s the terror of a prey animal staring into the slavering jaws of a predator that has almost caught up with it.
And there is no reasoning with that because it is not the product of reason. It comes from the deep animal emotional center that was there in us long before we even gained the ability to talk.
There being no rational solution to this wall of fear of the world outside my nanite sized comfort zone, all we are left with irrational solutions.
Solutions based just as much in that primal pre-rational world as the problem. One with some seriously powerful mojo behind them.
And I am sure that shit is possible, I just don’t know how to do it on purpose.
I am lost on how to interface with this deeper pre-rational mind of mine.
And what’s frustrating is that I know that even asking that question is going about things completely the wrong way. It’s asking a rational question about an irrational thing.
But for now at least, that’s all I got.
More after the break.
Outside the light
Once more, I am confronted by the vast and murky realm outside the powerful and revealing light of my incredible powers of reason.
That light touches so much that I can see how people like me might fall into the trap of thinking that it illuminates absolutely everything. That it touches all that is real and anything it doesn’t touch is mere illusion.
That’s a particularly dangerous load of crap.
Take it from one who knows. I thought like that for decades. Unconsciously, which is ironic as it denies the existence of the subconscious mind.
But as I touched on in part one, the really important stuff comes from layers below the conscious level. That’s where all the powerful emotions that rule our lives come from and that’s the layer we have to go to if we need to repair emotional damage.
And brother, do I need that.
That said, I still feel like I can travel to the very edge of what the light shows but I can’t actually leave the light entirely.
It’s like I’m a dog that has reached the end of where his leash used to be. It’s gone now but he still fears going beyond its reach into the Great Unknown.
For me, the biggest problem is, I think, the leap of faith. In order to learn to survive in that void, I have to let go of the structure of connecting facts that makes the world make some kind of sense to me.
Within this structure, everything fits together logically and new facts are always coming in and making it even more accurate and robust and everything is bright and shiny.
Colder than hell, but bright and shiny.
And that’s the thing : the life-giving warmth and love and acceptance I crave so deeply lies in the lands outside the light.
I will never be able to feel those things until I go into the darkness and fix my damage.
And to do that, I am going to have to learn to view the land outside the light in a radically different way.
Right now, it seems like oblivion. The void. The great nullity. On that deep down level it feels like if I let go of my structure and leave the light, I will be destroyed.
But that’s making the error of the fixed self. No doubt learning to navigate my own psyche in a brand new way will change me a lot. And so, from a very narrowly construed point of view, “I”, i.e. the person I am at this exact time, will “die”.
But who cares? The person I am right now is deeply broken. That means that by definition, healing my wounds would be a very large change.
And that’s what I want, isn’t it? To heal?
What I really want is to not feel sad and trapped and stifled any more. I want to be a normal, functional adult human being who can stand on his own two feet and face the world and not only handle it but thrive.
I am so sick of being weak and scared and tired. I want to be strong and happy and full of light and love and overflowing joy.
And to get to that point I have to let go and enter the darkness.
Can I at least bright a flashlight?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.