I come to you today, gentle readers, in a pretty shitty mood.

Mostly for video game related reasons, or at least that’s the proximate cause. The game I have been playing and loving called Pathfinder : Wrath of the Righteous apparently doesn’t love me back because the fucking thing keeps hard crashing on me causing the signal from my computer to my fancy monitor to drop completely (???) and thus forcing me to reboot my computer.

And wow does that piss me off.

There I am, right in the middle of playing the game, immersed in its intricacies and its world, when suddenly and without warning I am thrown back into harsh reality and have to wait for my computer to reboot fully before I can play again.

Usually I just say “fuck it” and lay down for a nap, possibly preceded by masturbation, instead. Not the healthiest response but what I can I say, I get discouraged.

And flouncing off to bed gives me something defiant to do to give the metaphorical middle finger to these foul events.

Whereas when I tried just patiently sitting there while my computer reboots and then resuming play, I felt like it was me who was getting played instead.

I guess that, in a strange alchemy of my male brain, if I do that, the game wins. It made me do things its way instead of doing what it’s supposed to be doing!

Grr, growl, seethe, pant, etc.

Plus I have encountered some petty obstacles in the game itself (when it works) that have also worsened by mood.

Nothing major or objectionable, just the usual thing where each individual thing makes you a little more irritable until it feels like the world is determined to fuck with you on a deeply personal and quite frankly extremely worrying level.

Hey, remember this song?

Now see, that made me feel better. I am still kinda pissed off, but a lot less so.

I rediscovered the gem linked above because it was linked off of this Internet classic :

It’s an Internet superbomb because not only is it an amazing video for an amazing song, it blew up SO FREAKING BIG online that it was like it was everywhere all at once, playing on every screen and speaker.

This despite containing the word “pedipalp”, which is a scientific term for the sort of foot/hand appendage some spiders have that can, when needed, turn into a sort of penis, and well, the rest of the story you know.

Finally, there is this video that took the furry world by storm :

The song is meh, but that video is pure gold. Tells its story so well and with such charm.

And with such a furry sensibility!

I should boost my mood with nostalgia more often.

More after the break.

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Stirring the ashes

Still feeling the leftover remnants of my earlier pissed off state.

Either that, or it’s the early signs of congestive heart failure.

But it’s probably the first thing.

So let’s start with this :

I resemble this.

I was the baby left to cry, after all. Her remarks about trauma from before you even had words from being a baby left far too long in a dirty diaper really hit home for me.

I was emotionally abandoned before I was on solid foods. Before I had object permanence. Before I could sit upright.

And I have definitely flown off the handle over very minor things which made me feel abandoned, neglected, and/or ignored. It hasn’t happened very often due to the mild sort of life I lead where I mostly deal with my awesome friends, but that beast has crawled out of its cage to stir up trouble now and then.

And when I was in my late teens and into my early twenties, it was a regular occurrence. I was so bad at expressing anger that it would just build up and fester inside me until some small thing set me off and then on came the tears, the accusations, and the rage.

Luckily, I got that shit under control by learning to express my emotions better. No buildup of pressure means no bomb, after all.

Then again, maybe I would be healthier if I had the occasional meltdown. At least my emotions would be released now and then.

Sounds better than my current system, where they just keep building up inside me, becoming more and more toxic and dangerous over time, with no end in sight.

I don’t think I could explode like that today even if I wanted to. Over the years, I have become far too good for my own good at just making more room for repressed emotions when the existing structure starts to fill up.

I think some form of compression is probably involved.

But yeah, I got massive abandonment and neglect issues. I really want to grow out of them but I don’t have the inner strength to do that yet.

I still feel so weak and scared and tired inside. It’s getting better but it’s still not very good. I want to be able to power my little seacraft out of these doldrums that have held me hostage for 25+ years but instead all I can do is drift in vaguely the right direction more often than not and hope to strike land somewhere nice some day.

There are so many things I could do with myself if I could escape this listless life.

But my mainspring is busted and I can’t be wound up. The energy has nowhere to go because my transmission is shot too.

And there is nobody who can fix me the way I need to be fixed.

Nobody except me, and that’s debatable.

SO as usual, I am left on my own to face a big bad world I am in no sense ready to handle and so I just hide away and rot.

Welcome to my reality.

It kinda sucks.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.